MILs - Is it always all their fault?

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I may regret starting this, but here goes...

Since discovering mumsnet, I have been struck by how many "my MIL is the root of all evil" threads there are on here. There appear to be two main camps -

1. My MIL ignores me/ my dcs, or
2. My MIL interferes too much.

Am I alone in suspecting that in some cases, maybe it is the DILs problem, and that some MILs couldnt win whatever they do or dont do.

If some MILs have a problem detatching from their adult sons, maybe some wives have a problem with their dh having a caring relationship with their mothers?

What does anyone else think?

(BTW, this is not directed at any particular post - no hidden agenda.)

Yep, it could partly be because it is mostly women posting here. I am blessed with a marvellous MIL. My DH, on the other hand, his MIL is a complete nutter.

There are unreasonable people in all walks of life so unreasonable DILs and MILs. Also, when you have your first baby it is not unusual to be rather precious and get other people's backs up!

Tend to agree OP.

I sometimes read AIBU threads about MILs who have done X or Y, and my first thought is '...and?'. And wonder if I'd missed something . There are people who would manage to take umbrage at anything.

I have posted about my crazy MIL for ages on MN- It's a way to vent and share stories with others so they don't feel alone and I have yet to be told it's me in the wrong- perhaps everyone was being nice to me, but I doubt it- she really is about as manipulative and gaga as you can get.
I do often laugh at how petty some gripes are though.

I have earned my stripes and am going to be a loony/mad MIL myself so I don't get roped into looking after PFB grandchildren, I will be on here in 30 years time, I guarantee it!

I spend ages nagging DH to phone his mother (we are in UK, they are in Oz). He speaks to her maybe once every 4 months, sends birthday and Christmas cards and that's it (actually I send cards but withhold favours and wine until he signs them). I think often MILs blame their DILs for this sort of thing when in fact it's just that DH is a lazy arse when it comes to staying in touch, and my MIL is, in fact, a nasty piece of work and he is quite pleased to be out of the firing line.

I deal with my MIL by being all sweetness and light and giving her ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to have a go about. My poor and very dear SIL has stood by and heard her 2 year old DD referred to as 'that little bitch'. She finally snapped when MIL called her daughter (then aged 5) a 'stupid bitch' last Christmas. MIL has had very little to do with SIL since and SIL is loving it! DH and his brothers do not intervene - truthfully think it's a case of anything for a quiet life - they know she won't change and just roll with it. What MIL doesn't see, of course, is that her sons spend as little time in her company as possible, and that is their decision. This is my 2nd marriage, and I actually had a v.good relationship with EX-MIL, so I know I'm not the problem

Dweezle the last part of your post struck a chird with you. Prior to dh I had three serious relationships, two engagements, both prospective MILs adored me (I see them when I travel back to where I used to live) and still to this day when I catch up with them and moan about my MIL they tell me they wished I married their boys instead so I can't be all bad either LOL!

Gosh sorry didn't check that last message!

Struck a chord with me- that should of read.

I think it is really hard for MILs (the sane ones). They'll have done everything by the book as it was 30 or 40 years ago and it must be hard to get your head around the changes. Imagine us all in 2030 being told by our DiLs that a new study has shown it's great for babies's development to - ooo I don't know - be left alone to cry for 5 hours a day, and having to nod and smile and be supportive.

My MiL is great. I'm sure there are lots of things that make her go - the only one she can't help commenting on is how often breasfed DS feeds compared to her ff'd sons: 'He CAN'T be hungry AGAIN!'
I got round this in the hot summer by saying 'Oh DS is thirsty.' Apparently thirsty is acceptable where hungry isn't .

'"A son is a son until he meets a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life"

I think this is an interesting saying. In our case my husband is far closer to his parents than I am to mine. When I first met him he phoned home 3 times a week, I only ever phone about once 2-3 weeks
He tells his parents some of his problems and wouldn't think twice about asking for help.
I'm more reticent with my mum, there's a definite line I wont cross with her. For example I would never swear when she is there, whereas dh , Mil and fil all eff and blind in front of each other. They are more openly huggy etc but also more openly argumentative with each other, my dh has often had a complete strop at MIL whereas I would never to that to my mum. Juts the way we're brought up I guess

my MIL is also a nutjob, so deffo her "fault". I would love to have a good relationship with my MIL. I also think a man's relationship with his mother is very telling about his attitudes towards women ie: respectful or whatever.

definitely agree with that
Me and dh really go hammer and tong when we row, my mum and dad were much more the silent, brood on it type, but mil and fil are exactly like me and dh

theinvisiblemandidit - snap - my mil spends half her time telling me how awful her mil is, and then is horrible to me. she told me outright after i married dh that she wished he had married his ex girlfriend (who he wnet out with for about 2-3 years and had split up with years before) - not in a 'i'm being nasty to you' way - just fairly matter of fact.

i agree it cant always be the mil's fault, but i also think there are an awful lot of mothers who dont think their son's choice of wife/partner is the right one and thereafter they dont make the dw/dp very welcome.

i also think that you grew up with your own mums views etc so you often agree with them whereas your mil comes from a totally different point of view often. Eg. i get on really well with my mum - i know however that my sil (brothers wife) finds her quite trying at times, and I can understand from her point of view where she is coming from, even if i tend to agree with my mum.

to expand slightly, my dh's ex was the daughter of a friend of my pil, so I think mil had pictured family holidays, big christmases etc with both families. I can understand why she would have liked that - no problem understanding her point of view.

However, my dh wasnt happy with her, and was much happier after they split up. A few years later, we met and 4 years later, got married so it had been quite a while for his mother to adjust to the idea that they wouldnt be together forever.

At every family meal for the first few years, she would bring up the ex, and try and have conversations about her. The telling me she'd have preferred him to marry her etc - lots and lots of similar things and not all to do with the ex.

My point is that its not her decision who her son marries, and I just hope if I am ever a mil, I can be open and welcoming to whoever my ds chooses.

I am very fond of my mother, but objectively I can see that she is not good at being an MIL. She worships the ground my brother walks on, and, as a consequence, any time she doesn't like, or agree with, one of my brother's decisions, she blames SIL. They have a terrible relationship and it is mainly (not wholly) my mum's fault. She even wore black to their wedding ffs. And sat there with a face more suited to a funeral than the happiest day of her son's life.
I can see a similar dynamic at work with my own MIL - DH is very different from the rest of his family and always has lived his life his own way, yet whenever he does something they don't like, it now appears to be because of my influence.

I can't help thinking it is often the MIL's fault because she should take more responsibility for the MIL/DIL relationship because she is the one with more life experience. When I think about how I felt with MIL's interfering when I first had my babies and how I needed time to find my own way with them and develop the bond even if it meant making a few mistakes and learning from them without feeling pressure to do it perfectly under her critical gaze, I really hope that I will think about this if I become a MIL myself and be a lot more sensitive. I can see that my MIL's 'issues' and lots of others I've read about are to do with them feeling they aren't the most important Mummy anymore when their DIL has their son's baby. I sympathise but I also think this is quite childish if they can't get over it pretty quickly and MIL's are supposed to be the most 'adult' one in the relationship.

I hope that if I become a MIL I will refrain from any criticisms or even slightly judgemental comments unless I feel DIL is actually harming their child. Doing something slightly differently to the way you would have done it is not harming the baby, just doing it differently. New mothers will make mistakes but should be supported and encouraged and helpful suggestions made if the DIL wants them. New mothers often would appreciate practical help but if their MIL gives it but at the same time tries to interfere or control things then they are better off without the help. The new mother must be allowed to bond with her own baby in the early days without an interfering MIL trying to take over.

I am in the wrong when it comes to the relationship between Mil and myself:

-I don't tell her she is wonderful every 5 minutes.

• I haven't given her custody of the children.

-I haven't asked her to move in with us.

• I haven't told her that we can't possibly survive without her.

• I haven't ignored all her lies and given in to her constant attention seeking. (She is still wearing all her bandages from breaking her finger almost a year ago, despite being told that all is fine a few months back, because she loooves people saying "oooh, what;s happened?")

So yes, I am to blame.

My SIL is significantly older than my DH so she takes on an MIL stance. I had been with DH for 8 years when we got married. A month or two before, she told him that he was doing the wrong thing as I make him miserable. When she found out that I was pregnant, she kept telling me in a nasty and condescening way, "you haven't a clue".

Since my daughter has been born, she's made it very clear that I'm an awful parent. When DD was 5 weeks old and we were at a family event, she asked when I was going to wean DD. I said that the guidelines were 6 months so we'd see how we went. She then did a straw poll asking everyone to put their hands up saying, "now who thinks that tsam will starve her baby?". My DH was out of the room at that point but the rest of the family put their hands up :-(

DD, 14 months, doesn't crawl (she rolls everywhere) and this is my fault as I don't leave her alone enough. Also, as my DD doesn't like SIL (screams when she holds her), it means that there is something wrong with my DD's head. I HATE her.

I'd say from the threads on MN it's often the fault of the DH/DP for failing to support his wife/partner when necessary, and in turn that may be MILs raising their sons to be mummy's boys.

In my case my MIL was very unreasonable at times... before I had DD. Then again I wasn't the only person she's lashed out at, so I'm not just presenting one side of the story so to speak.

Some people just happen to act horribly at time. Sometimes they're mothers-in-law, sometimes they're daughters-in-law or whatever.

I agree that sometimes when you read posts on MN that it can be a case of 1/2 dozen of one and 6 of the other. You know your
MIL is at fault when:

• She whispers snide comments to you when others are out of earshot.

• She ignores you whenever she feels like it (and you catch her hiding behind a bush just so she doesn't have to say 'hello').

• She turns her head away from you when you pass her in the car and wave.

• She ignores your dc because they are yours with an exh and not dh's.

• She talks over you when another family member asks you a question, as if you don't excist.

• She gets in a strop with dh when he is paying more attention to me than her, so he has to spend 'hours' at her house trying to find out what the matter is.

• She ruins your break away by phoning you every 5 minutes and when you don't answer your phone she contacts you via the relative that you have gone to see.

• She gets in a strop for 2 weeks because her son has asked you to marry him.

• She turns up to the wedding, ignores you all day and makes it perfectly obvious to all the other guests that she is not happy about the marriage.

Need I go on??!!

on the whole my mil is ok. In fact dh says that he's often astounded by how alike we are and says "I married my mother!" But she has on numerous occasions gone on about how wonderful she thought dh's ex (who slept with his best friend ) was and how much she would love to see her again.

Fil on the other hand essentially told me I was a bad mother and then didn't speak to me for two years, even when he came to my house. But he seems to have got past that now and we are on good speaking terms once more. And I find it doesn't really pay to hold a grudge.

Sil on the other hand hates me and I have no idea why.

I've also seen family members (on my side) treat their son's wife/DP like utter crap - ranging from being controlling to telling the bloke that the baby's not his, I kid you not.

I have forgiven my MIL for what she did but I'm still wary of her, though she is free to see DD as often as she likes and does so without any griping from me. I agree with wannaBe - it's not good to harbour grudges. I do really wish we were closer, but sadly it's unlikely it'll happen. The rest of my in-laws are fab though!