Its getting harder and harder to stay

[Molly100]

I am finding it so hard to stay in my marriage yet too hard to leave. Still love DH and we 'have it all' but I am sick to death of him being rude, patronising and not accepting my points of view. He always ends up arguing with me and when it gets too heated he says 'your impossible to talk to' or 'theres no point talking to you'. I have told him how rude he is to speak to me like this but it makes no difference. He starts raising his voice and then the swearing starts to flow. I am so bloody sad, its all so unneccesary but it is wearing me down and making me feel like shit. Sorry for the rant but I am really sad and it makes no difference what I do or say. I asked him does he want to stay married to me and he says yes so why is he making me so unhappy.

I think you need to sit him down and spell out how bad you think things are - does he know that the thought of leaving has even entered your mind? Would he consider Relate or something like that? Even if he won't go, you could go on your own and it will give you the chance to get it clear in your head whether the marriage is worth fighting for or whether it's time to call it quits and move on.

Marriage is about respect just as much as it's about love, I think, and he doesn't seem to be showing you any respect - is he stressed about other stuff like work or money? Is that affecting his behaviour or is he always like this?

I think you need to sit him down and spell out how bad you think things are - does he know that the thought of leaving has even entered your mind? Would he consider Relate or something like that? Even if he won't go, you could go on your own and it will give you the chance to get it clear in your head whether the marriage is worth fighting for or whether it's time to call it quits and move on.

Marriage is about respect just as much as it's about love, I think, and he doesn't seem to be showing you any respect - is he stressed about other stuff like work or money? Is that affecting his behaviour or is he always like this?

I don't think he is stressed as such, money doesn't appear to be an issue at all and yes he has been like this for years which is why I say it is getting harder and harder to stay. If i told him I was thinking of leaving he would (I am 99% sure) show me where the door is. He is a person who would lose everything rather than his pride - how dumb is that! We went to relate about 3 times a few years ago then he decided we didnt need them to tell us stuff we already knew. He is such a bigshot (in his world) he is controlling.

So what is it that you love about him?

What do you want him to listen to -- your thoughts on stuff? Are you giving him unsolicited advice, or is it more that you'd like your likes/dislikes to be taken into account when he is deciding stuff?

If he sees himself as a "bigshot" and is very proud (as all men are), he won't want you to give him advice, as he'll feel that means you don't trust his manly judgement. That's why he'll patroninse you & belittle you, because you might make him feel that's what you're doing to him.

I'm reading a wonderful marriage book at the mo, that sets this all out. It's amazing.

Molly

This is all about power and control.

You don't mention if you have any children but if they're seeing all this (which they are) its not doing them any favours. Damaging lessons are being imparted here to them; we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

What's there to love about him exactly?. You are married to a controlling bully of a man who takes pleasure in belittling you. Small wonder therefore he gave Relate the heave ho (due to his controlling nature and know all attitude) and I reckon as well talking to them at the time helped you. You're probably also afraid of the unknown, to have to start afresh. That is probably also what keeps you there.

If he won't go to Relate then go on your own. He likely wants to stay married to you because controlling men do not like to let go of their victims easily. He has you exactly where he wants you to be.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft - this book shows how such people operate. Controllers are by their very nature abusive.

You have a choice ultimately (they do not) but your children won't thank you for staying with such a man.

I don't think it neccessarily means a man is a "controlling bully" if he doesn't like Relate! He probably just wants to feel that his opinions matter, and that he is respected & admired at home. When a man doesn't feel that way, he often resorts to bullying tactics.

Molly loves her DH and he loves her, why must it ALWAYS come down to "leave him" on here??

Agreed Beautiful, my first thought on reading the OP is that it sounds as though the dh isn't feeling listened to, so resorts to shouting and swearing.

Maybe both of you need to find help in actively listening and understanding what the other person is trying to say.

I actually think that the problem is not so much Molly as her husband. She's tried talking to him (and Relate) and its made no difference whatsoever.

Molly - you certainly "don't have it all" if you feel like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat - I never thought of it that way. You are right, if I don't have the basic respect and support of my DH I actually 'have nothing at all' let all 'have it all' No wonder I feel so low and 'possessions etc' mean zilch

I think the one thing i have learnt is that you 'allow' people to treat the way you do.

I have no idea if he is a controlling bully or not - but his behaviour is not making molly feel loved in the way she needs.

Molly it is hard but you have to tell him and mean it, what he is doing to you. Tell him you are not prepared to live like this any longer and he has a choice to either try and change somehow or he will lose your love and that will lead to you not wanting to stay married.

And please please do not stay in marriage for the sake of your children - my parents had/have zero respect for each other and now are 'trapped' - my mum is ill and my dad is her carer. She is cared for a man who really couldnt care less (but can not leave now as he will look like a complete shit), and he is trapped looking after her and not having the life he should have done.

We get one chance at life and so you need to make it the best for you.

Good luck

Thanks HappyWoman, it makes sense what you say. I have been 'standing up to him' for want of a better description, these last months and I have been a lot less tearful in dealing with him and managing to stay calm and controlled. I'm not there yet (hope to be) in as much as just being able to overlook his childish/churlish ways. But still, his ability to hurt is strong and I am trying to hang in there. Sad really, as its not so hard to be kind and loving.

I would agree with HappyWoman.

How has he reacted when you've been standing up to him?. Badly I suspect. You sound like you've put up with an awful lot of rubbish behaviour from him; you've likely been conditioned by him over the years into accepting your lot. He's put you in a dark place.

Why should you actually have to overlook his childish/churlish ways. He would not give you the same consideration. You don't mention whether you have children or not but if you do you certainly don't need this manchild to look after as well.

You love him yes, but love should not be such hard work honestly. He's certainly not worth sacrificing any long term happiness and self worth over.