If your partner/husband/you yourself have ever been violent in a relationship, how did it start?

[NorkyButNice]

Did they/you suddenly lash out with no warning whatsoever? Did you always feel that there was a possibility of violence?

I am seeing warning signs and it's scaring me (to put it mildly).

Hi NBN. Speaking from personal experience, the signs were there all along, it just took hindsight for me to recognise them. My ex didn't actually get violent until the first time I tried to end the relationship, although the reason I was trying to break it off was because of other abusive behaviour, such as jealousy every time I spoke to another male, jealousy about the amount of time I spent with friends, and being told to "shut the f**k up, you don't know what you're talking to" everytime I had an opinion that differed to his. After we got past this, he learned a few tricks. We split up for a while and got back together. He realised that I would leave him for good if he hit me again, so his tactics changed. For years I fell into the trap of thinking he wasn't abusive because he wasn't hitting me. Of course, he did eventually. Typical warning signs include jealousy and possessiveness, inability to take responsibility for behaviour (always someone else's fault, etc), making jokes at your expense and claiming you're being oversensitive when you complain, criticising what you do. There are lots more you'll see if you log on to various abuse sites. If this is your partner you're talking about, I'd advise you to do some more research and if you're still worried, leave before it's too late, although I know that's easier said than done and sometimes a partner can be a twat with some of these behaviours but not necessarily be abusive. If it's you you're talking about, sit down and analyse your behaviour. Are you controlling or just reaching the end of your tether? The big mistake most people make when talking about DV is believing that violence comes from loss of control. It doesn't. Violence is a choice deliberately executed to gain maximum control of a sutuation, however much you are misled into thinking otherwise. If you think you may be abusive because you're reaching the end of your tether, honestly (rather than thinking you'd like to lash out and put your DP in place), why are you so close to lashing out? Is your DP making you feel that you're the one being abusive when actually it is your DP? This is also typical of abusive relationships. Please type domestic abuse into a search engine and go from there. I think you'll find it will answer many of your questions. Good luck in getting things sorted. I left my abusive XP 2 years ago and have never been happier.

good post optimistS

Thank you for the response OptimistS - apologies for not getting chance to respond earlier.

Yes it is my DH I am talking about - he displays many of the things you talk about (jealousy, possessiveness) along with a real temper (he slams doors/throws things across room). He says it's down to frustration and not being able to express himself verbally - I've said his behaviour scares me but he says I always see the worst in him and that he's very offended that I think he'd be capable of hitting me.

He does swing between being really loving and affectionate, and being miserable/cold/distant and I think he may have some signs of depression, but he refuses to see the doctor or a private counsellor about it (his work would cover the costs of counselling if he wanted it).

Thanks again for your reply - I really appreciate it

I second that possessive and controlling behaviour are earl warning signs. Also being verbally abusive.

Even if your DH would never hit you it doesn't make it ok for him to behave in the way you describe.