Should I tell my elderly/ill father about my marriage break-up?

[Eponine]

I quite recently split with my H. My dad is elderly, disabled and not in very good health and lives in a nursing home nearby. I visit him daily and although my separation from H is generally commmon knowledge, I haven't told my dad.

I really don't want to upset him. I know he would sit and brood about it and this would probably affect his health/appetite which is already quite precarious. He has become completely institutionalised since living in the home and although he is of sound mind, his way of thinking is very insular and he does sometimes get a little confused/forgetful. I have never discussed relationship issues with him before so I certainly can't start now; he would be quite alarmed and confused by it I know and would worry about me a lot; how I'm coping etc. All he can do is sit in chair all day and I can't being myself to tell him, to load this on to him.

My sister etc think it's wrong that I haven't told him. However I'M the one that visits and handles all his affairs. She hardly has anything to do with him. I think she's concerned about the will more than anything. Our father is not a man of means but he has arranged to leave what he does have to be split 3 ways, between me, her and H who he has always had a good relationship with. H is not mercenary, is not interested in profiting from my dad's will and has said that he would just hand his inheritance back to me, although we havent discussed it in detail.

H doesn't visit a lot but certainly more than my sister and he's been in to see him since the split, several times, and said nothing at my request.

The split between H and I has been emotional but fairly amicable. In fact we don't know at this stage know whether there is a chance we may get back together at some stage; another reason, to my mind, for not causing my dad the massive upset I feel it would cause to tell him.

Trouble is, because I haven't told my dad, I haven't told his immediately family either (my cousins, aunts, uncles on that side) and although I am not particularly close to them, we are in touch several times a year. I haven't seen them since the split so it's been easy to avoid the issue but now I'm worrying about Christmas cards; I can't bring myself to write H's name on the card with mine and the childrens' as if we are still one big happy family. But if I don't write his name they will most defintely be asking why, as well they might. I had thought about putting a short note in explaining that we've split up and that I haven't told dad and why.. but I really don't know what to do for the best. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

bump

Could you trust your dad's family to keep quiet about it?

Could you spin the whole situation, for the moment, as a separation rather than a permanent split?

Could you trust your dad's family to keep quiet about it?

Could you spin the whole situation, for the moment, as a separation rather than a permanent split?

I think so. Although his brothers do visit him sometimes and I am not totally sure about them, or whether they would get the importance of the issue. I shudder to think of the effect a casual comment could have on dad, when one of them goes to visit.

And yes, spinning it as a temp split, for benefit of extended family is possible.

When I started reading your op, my immediate thought was - why tell him? It will just upset him for no reason, but the will issue does complicate things, as does telling(or not)other family members.

Do you think you think he may want to change his will if he knows you have seperated (I mean cut your ex h out?)Would this bother you or your ex h? You say he has no interest in inheriting from your dad.

I dont think you should avoid telling your other family. That could make things quite difficult in the future and may make you look a bit manipulative.

Overall, my worry would be dad finding out from someone else, so I think I would tell him as gently as possible.

When I imagine someone letting it slip, it makes me think me explaining it to him (without any details) is far the preferable option. But that leaving him in blissful ignorance, far better again.

To the extended family it would be just gossip.. "Oh Epinone's marriage has gone tit's up; she's going the way of her cousin Jane, that one..."

Whereas my dad would be devastated, I'm 99% sure. And the family can manage without gossip fodder really can't they? So maybe I should not tell them either. But then what to write in the cards? I don't do deception really. Have been too much a victim of it!

If your sister is concerned about the will, maybe it would be fairer to propose a 50/50 split with her? E.g. your DH's money goes half to you and half to your sister? That would remove any financial reason for her to tell your dad about the split ...

Arent the family likely to find out anyway, whether you tell them or not?

I don't want to be seen as maipulative; my only motivation is to avoid distress to my dad. And the nobosdy else would be expexcting to inherit from the will anyway; it's really not a huge amount of money and so, not really any of his sibling's business? I assume they would never know/have known H was on it anyway. The solicitor at the time said it wasn't usual for the son-in-law to be allocated a chunk of his own, but Dad wanted him treated as a third child so she said that was fine.

I don't know what Dad would say about cutting H out to be honest. He would probably stress no end about it like he does about every little detail now, and then look to me for guidance like he does without everything.

I don't think my sister will tell him; she has just mentioned to me ( a few times) that she thinks I should. She has been in to see him (once) since the split and said nothing. Mind you she had my DD with her. Am not totally sure she would not if she was on her own. But think she probably wouldn't. She loves him too and wouldn't want him upset; she just takes no responsbility for him.

No I don't think that part of the family would find out unless I told them, not any time soon anyway. It's possible but not probable. We really don't fraternise all that much.

oh gosh what a tricky one. tbh I don't think the will issue is something to be concerned about - unless you think your father is the sort of man who would want to remove your H from the will if you weren't together anymore.

My Grandfather had a will similar to your father which included all his children, their partners and the grandchildren (me and my DB) our partners and any of their children. exH and split between him dying and the estate being split - there was never any question that he would get it, or that he would be expected to get it back. We (my family) knew that my Grandfather had included him in the will because he wanted him there, and whether we were still together or not made no difference - he (exH) was the father of his only great-grandchildren.

I think perhaps you should tell him. The fact that your H is still visitng him occasionaly (to me) says that there is still a good relationship there and if he (your father) were to find out through any other channel there is chance that it could cause more upset than if you gently expained the situation to him.

NQC yes sorry, goes without saying that I wouldn't pocket the whole of H's third; would split it with my sister.

Could you be up front with family and say you have split with h but would prefer your dad wasnt told as it would just upset him and make him anxious?
Surely, they would respect your wishes?

Hmm now I'm wondering if H should have his third? He could certianly do with it, small sum thought it is. And he has been a good son-in-law. But I don't for one minute think that's why he still visits him sometimes; he does that to help me out on days I can't get round there. But yes they do have a friendly relationship.

Heaven forbid that we should lose dad any time soon anyway. This will thing's only part of the main issue.

Sometimes I think I should tell him. A couple of times I nearly have! But the words have always stuck in my throat.

I would not tell him but I would tell the rest of the family and ask that they keep it from your father so as not to upset him.

This happened with my grandmother when my parents split up. I kind of hated the bullshit (i was a teenager then!!) but understood that it would just upset her needlessly.

Could your ex dh not tell his immediate family. Perhaps you could write a note in Christmas cards if you agree and then sign that from both of you?

Unavailable yes that was what I was thinking of doing via note in Christmas cards when sent. Cringing a bit about doing so with the uncles though. Most of the cousins are irrelevant; they don't visit my dad and I don't even send them all cards. But am quite close (in a long chats on phone few times a year kind of way) with one of my cousins and her mother, my aunt. Maybe I should ring them and tell them.