Relationship problems with husband

[monathegiraffe]

Namechanged...

I'm having big relationship problems.

I'm married, and have been with my husband since we were both 17. We are in our early thirties now.
We have 3 young children, aged 6, 4 and 1.

I first felt there were problems when we had our first child. I had a very difficult time at the birth, and took a very long time to get over it mentally. My husband was of no support to me at all. He found it very hard coping with a small demanding baby and dealt with this by spending as much time as he could at work, leaving me struggling at home.

As time has gone on, and more children have been born these problems have worsened.
He is emotionally completely unsupportive. Two of our children have been seriously ill, and while I have been a complete emotional wreck at these times, he seems to have been unaffected. He loves his children, but for some reason doesnt seem to see the seriousness of what was happening, when everyone else did, nor to give me any sense of being cared about.

I also find him to be unhelpful in practical terms. He does very little to help around the house, and what he does do he tends to do badly. He doesnt seem get that the things that need to be done actually need to be done if you see what I mean. For example a fairly common thing is that I will ask him to do something, eg to get something ready for one of the children. He wont manage to do this, but will say that he tried his best. This infuriates me because whatever it was would still have to be done, only he thinks that as long as he can say he has tried that is the main thing, completely missing the point that if something has to be done then that leaves me then having to do it.
So I feel like I am taking overall responsibility for the whole thing. I would like a partner, but instead I have an assistant.

I feel like maybe the problem is that we were just too young when we met. We were both 17, and as a 17 year old he was fine, and I was pretty similar. I'm older now, and very different. More confident, socially skilled, professionally able. But I'm still married to a 17 year old boy.

I dont love him. We dont seem to have any real common ground anymore, except for the children. Physically things are terrible too. I cant stand to be touched by him, and dont find him attractive.

I dont want to split up, because I dont want our children to have divorced parents. If we didnt have children I would have left a long time ago.

I wish that there was some way of retrieving this situation. I have tried talking to my husband, who whenever we have these discussions promises to change, but never does.

I suspect that I'm not perfect either! I probably sound really horrible having written all this down. I am very conscious that as far as I can see the situation, my wishes are all about how my husband should change his behaviour, but I doubt he is the only one who needs to change, but I dont know how to help the situation, and my husband cant think of anything either. He says that actually he is happy with how things are (how can he be?).

What should I do?

Thanks Lula.
I'm OK to an extent with just carrying on with things as they are. I realise that its not ideal, but it may be the least-worst way forward.

I wish there was a way forward. I used to love him, I really did. I think that things may have been too bad now for too long to get back to a proper relationship.

I wonder also if I am complaining about nothing. He isnt terrible, he is good to his children, isnt mean or nasty, is faithful, works, and I think would like for things to be better between us, but as he doesnt actually believe there is a problem then he probably isnt going to be very good at helping to fix things.

I know that a lot of people have much harder things to deal with in thier relationships, maybe I just need to be grateful for what I do have.

From where I see this, you feel disconnected from him, like you feel you have 4 children in the house. I really see the little boy burying his head in the sand here, it will all go away.....

Sounds like you need councelling. What do you think?

After all, he doesn't sound like a bad person?

He sounds like a stranger to you.

You have hit the nail on the head cheeset. That is exactly how I feel. 4 children, when 3 is hard enough.
He went straight from living with his mum who did everything for him, to living with me, and I think in retrospect this has not helped, as he hasnt really developed the ability to manage things for himself. It wasnt so bad before we had children, as we had more free time and it was just the two of us. Now we are both busier looking after the chidren and there are times when he has to do things for the children, but doesnt seem to quite manage. This is much worse than him just not managing to do things for himself. He also really lacks assertiveness.

He is like a stranger to me. I have no idea what he would like to do, what his hopes for the future are etc. This isnt for want of asking. When I do ask him things like that I really just get a blank look. It is always him saying "well, what do you want?".

He isnt a bad person, and my approach to the situation isnt working. I try not to be too critical of him, as I have made my opinion of how things are very clear to him. I also think if he was more confident he might manage things better, and I dont think criticism from me will help him with that. At the same time though I dont want to be his mum, as I think that is actually a large part of the problem (him expecting me to do the things for him that his mum used to do).

Maybe counselling is the answer. I dont know how comfortable he would be at doing that sort of thing though. He hates sharing his opinions, he usually claims not to have any, so I think that counselling might be difficult as he would probably maintain that he thought things were OK.

Right, he sounds like a closed book tbh. Does he have any hobbies? A hobby would build his confidence which I think is the problem in a way. Why should he improve in his eyes when you do such a better job. He'd rather you take ownership of a problem/task as it just wouldn't be up to scratch/your standards.

A shared interest might be a good way of having a bit of fun together and seeing the fun in each other. Bowling? Bingo? Game of cards? It will all help and sometimes the thought of spending time alone is worse and when you get on and do it, it may surprise the both of you at how much fun you can have.

The worst thing you could do right now is going away for the weekend together, people sometimes suggest this as a remedy but I think it is so stressful on both parties.

Your still there, he's still there so you both already have something in common at the very least.

I would book yourself a weekend away and leave him home alone with the kids. Seriously I sometimes thinks it takes this for people to realise how hard it can be, he may then (hopefully) appreciate you and help more.

I would be worried by the fact that you say you dont love him anymore. I would rather be divorced (children or otherwise) than in a relationship with someone that I dont love. Do you think you would love him if he changed and grew up a bit?