Have I over reacted? Or am I a mug? Please please help

[nuclearsatsuma]

My partner and I have a fairly stressful life at the moment. 2 kids, age 1 and 2.6, huge mortgage and he went self employed at the start of the year.
about May/June I things started to fray and a rift came between us. I went through his phone (wrong I know would never have done this before) and found very rude text messages to and from and ex-shag buddy of his. It looked like a full blow affair. I confronted him and he apologised and said all it was was text messages and nothing more, just harmless fun. He text the girl and said the rude texts had to stop.
Some time later I found out he'd been on a sex chat site giving out his number and asking to meet girls. saying he was in a dull relationship and needed some fun. I was devastated, but he still insisted it was all just for fun and he would never have gone to meet anyone, he just wanted a responce to boost his ego since I was so grumpy all the time. Charming. I threatened to leave him and he completely changed and was really nice to me, we both made an effort and he said everything was fine. He was more attentive and told me all the chat room shit had stopped.
Being paraniod I couldn't help hacking into his e mail (wrong again, wish I never had) and found he still had a couple of girls in contact from the website he was on. It was still rude but not as bad as it had been. I confronted him again and he went mad saying he had done nothing wrong and I ahd completely over reacted and was being obsessive and stupid, reading too much into it as it was all just words. Am I wrong to feel so upset? What do I do? I can't stop thinking about what he might be up to. He's destroyed my trust and I hate him
He doesn't go out so I don't think any more has happened he's fr too busy.

Advice please I'm in pieces

chatting with girls in a sexual way is wrong in your relationship because he knows you don't like it.

However, it sounds as if you both have to work pretty hard on your relationship.

IMO it shouldn't be about what he's done but about what you can both do now to move forward together

appreciate that will be hard, sorry for what you're going through

I don't think that you are overreacting.
You're stressed, have you been trawling the internet looking to engage in saucy/sexy conversations with random men?
No real advice in how to take things further, he doesn't seem to be heeding your warnings at all.

If you are being obsessive and over-reacting then it's because there is a history of deceit and lies, and that's of his making, not yours. I would be very very unhappy in your shoes - the texts/chat-sites would be bad enough (although I can see that from his POV it might have been harmless escapism), but the saying he'd stop and then blithely carry on bit would push me over the brink.

For a relationship to work, you HAVE to be able to trust your partner. He has given you no reason to be able to trust him, and that's something he needs to thinnk long and hard about.

oh sweetheart, i don't think you are over-reacting either. i had the same thing from x, he had been on local fuckbuddies website claiming that it had been curiosity, 7pages????? no i don't think so either. with a lot of other things, the trust had gone and i couldn't trust him anymore.

imho, chatting in sexual way with others is wrong, you have explained this to him and he still does it. what you need to think about now, is how you would feel staying with him if he carried on, with you feeling as though you can't trust him. you need to have a good think without your emotions getting entangled (i know its hard) - think of it this way, it's easier said than done but what would you say to your friend if she was going through it? (((((((((((((((())))))))))))
you will be fine xxx

Lizzylou, no I don't feel the need to do anthing like that. I'm dead against infedelity of any kind. Dh thinks I need to stop taking life so seriously and not see everything as black and white.
He won;t even talk about it now, just switches off.

NS, I didnt think you had! What would your DH say if you had though? Would he think you'd "lightened up" or would he be madly jealous?
The latter I think, perhaps you need to spell that out to him?

Trouble is, he really doesn't see any wrong in whathe's done. Like I said the chat wasn't as bad, just cheeky ironies rather than full blown stuff. He seems to think I meant no chat websites not no naughty talk with girls. How do we move on if he won't even talk to me. I've been crying for days and he completely ignores me. Can't leave him couldn't bear it. If he won't change do I have to?

((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

you might have too sweetheart ((hugs))
it seems harder than it is, tho i would say this:

ONLY change for yourself, NOT for him. that way you start regaining your self-respect and your self-esteem.

it can be hard-going but the shock and enormity of what, i think imho, you need to do, can actually feel worse than it really is.

whatever you decide sweetheart, you will be fine. xxx

He is repeatedly breaking your trust. I don't think you're overreacting.

He has told you its stopped and it hasn't...he's mad at you to take away the attention from whats he's doing wrong. Now its up to you to decide if you can trust him again, if not that's your answer.

Hi everyone, we have both calmed down a bit now, and I have had something close to an apology. He sent me text saying he didn't want us to fight, that my morals are higher than his and that I'm a better person than him. He said he must try to raise his moral sandards to mine.
He said the messages looked far worse than they were meant because he was just out to get a reaction.
He admitted he knew I wouldn't like what he was doing, but didn't think it was as bad because it wasn't on a chat site, was just with a couple of friends, any flirting was just in irony or for a laugh. He does look pretty sorry about it. If he's being honest, I think I can forgive him. I don't think it ever was any more than that. Maybe I'm being diluded, he's usually brutally honest with me. Going to stick around and see what happens.

glad you managed to chat and hopefully have sorted it out

if he does it again then i would have to seriously think about leaving

he has sent sexy texts to ex,rang sex phone lines and then emailed some ofthe girls fromthe phone line

all of the above are wrong, but to if he did something else - after texting/ringing and emailing, the next step would be to meet

if he did meet one of them, then what??

He sounds really sleazy - not to mind dishonest and disrespectful of women. Doesnt that bother you?

Of course it bothers me. He just doesn't see it as serious, so he carried on thinking that as long as he wasn't on any sites or giving out his number it would be acceptable. I have told him that no sexual contact whatsover is acceptable and he has allowed me access to all his accounts and says he's stopped it all. I'm scepticle but i have to try. For the kids if anything. Mt little girl adores him and I can't bear to take her away. Son is too young but I still couln't do it to him either.