FURIOUS at dh. Help me calm down, please.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

Thankfully he has gone out for a bit, otherwise we would have fallen out very badly.

He's admitted to me this week, (after a bizarre shouting, swearing incident last week that he couldn't remember doing) that he is under alot of stress at work just now. It's so bad he's looking for another job.

He's used this as his excuse for starting to smoke again. Now he's a grown man, and I normally think it is a persons own decision to smoke or not, but he's recently been in hospital with pneumonia, and what was very mild asthma before this is now rather severe.

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to go through that kind of worry about him again, nor do I want to try and expalin to 2 very upset little boys why their daddy has a oxygen mask on, drips going into his arms, and why he can't even get enough breath to say hi to them again.

He stopped smoking for 7 weeks. He knows he can do it. He kept saying how much better he felt without them. So when I ask him why he wants to put himself at risk of being ill again, I think I have the right to be angry when he replies 'I'm under stress, so I can do it and don't start getting moody as you'll make me worse'.

I'm mad at him for not having enough will power. I'm mad at him for taking the chance when he got so ill before.I'm mad at him for using stress as an excuse to get away with what ever he wants

And I know the smoking didn't cause the pneumonia, but it did contribute to his lungs not being able to cope with the infection.

I'm determined not to argue with him, so please help me calm down and maybe see his point of view. Or am I being really unreasonable and controlling by not wanting him to smoke again?

I'm with you. I don't see an excuse and if it were my DP (like I did a couple of times with mine) I'd tell him to at least not smoke around you (cuts down his smoking time) and if he dares to light the fag - take it off him and throw it on the floor.

I can understand why you're so cross about the smoking.

But do you need to ignore that and talk to him about why he's so stressed at work? So stressed that he's started doing something he knows could make him ill again. He will know that but sounds like he's bottling up a lot of stress to me. Shouty swearing incident he can't even remember? I'd be talking to him about that rather than having a go about the smoking.

Lucky, he doesn''t smoke in the house, he hasn't since we've had the children.

Pea, I posted on here recently about the shouting/ swearing. He can't remember a thing about it, and thinks I'm making it up (even the children heard it and have since mentioned it to him). He won't tell me fully what's happening at work, as that 'gets him stressed'. I've got a fair idea as I used to work for the same company and one of the reasons I left was because of the pressure the staff are under, and he's in a much higher position than I was.

He's seen a good position that would be ideal for him, spoken to the recruitment person, just needs to e-mail his cv. He's sat in the house all weekend while i've been working, playing pc games and hasn't sent the e-mail. That's making me angry too, because if he's so stressed he should be jumping at the chance he's being given to possibly get out, but he can't even spend 5 mins sending an e-mail.

Feel like I should be really sympathetic and trying to help him, but all I feel is alot of anger towards him.

Feel like such a bitch.

In normal shoes, I would say, sort out the job situ first and then sort out the giving up smoking , but in his shoes it shoes a wilful disregard for his health, and is passing the 'stress buck' to YOU.

Gawd, my DH stops and starts all the time.
There is ALWAYS a reason to smoke..... stress, bordom etc etc
he once managed to stop for a year!
ANd I have lost 3 grandparents to smoking related illnesses, so it upsets me deeply.
twunt!
SO, I don't think you are a bitch BUT all my friends who have managed to stop smoking advise me to just back off and leave him alone as he knows all the dangers, risks etc and will do it when he is ready

Thanks QQ.

Wish I could ignore it and let him get on with it, but I want him to realise it's not just about him.

He's in far to bad a mood just now to even try and talk to so will just my tongue.

Message withdrawn

When my dp was smoking he was the most addicted smoker I have known. He smoked roll ups and must have got through at least 40 a day since he was about 15. He didnt know how to function without a cigarette being
a start or finish to something. He did have three serious attempts before (I hope) giving up for good. At first he was unbearably grumpy, but then became quite depressed. Aparently, depression is common in people giving up smoking, as smoking changes the chemical make up in your brain. Every time he tries your dp will have learnt new things about how he can function without cigarettes. It sounds like he wants to, and although its not unreasonable for you to want him not to smoke again, it has to come from him. He probably feels quite weak for starting again. Try not to be judgemental (I found this hard) and maybe a visit to the gp to find out about what treatments / support is available for smokers trying to give up where you are.

smoking is a toughie. My dh nagged me for years about my smoking (he had never smoked). I told him that he got together with me as a smoker, that was me, and he shouldn't try to change me. I was infuriated that he was trying to change me, although secretly I wanted to give up myself. It was only when he gave up on the nagging that I gave up smoking myself. i did it quietly, without any fuss, and then revealed to him that I had done it WHEN I WAS READY. No adult likes to be told what to do. Try laying off completely...he knows he should stop. GL

I am a smoker. I'd love to stop. The thing that would make it even more difficult would be someone banging on about it. Have some experience of this and I can't commit to 'stopping' in case I fail!! They say that stopping smoking is harder or as hard as giving up heroine. FFS its a REAL addiction. You must see this. I know it must be really hard for you to understand that. I hope his health gets back and then support him in stopping. On the other hand I can see your frustration tbh but you probably aren't really helping.

you gotta want to stop more than you want not to. thats the crux of the matter

i think i would be v., angry if i was in your shoes too.

it needs tons of support, its v. hard. patches, gum, nhs helpline, lloyds pharmacy do consultations.

like another poster said - there is always a reason to smoke if your looking for it.

theres always a better time to stop - than right now. - on sunday after we have those friends over saturday, after we go out for that meal on wednesday - you know its hard after a meal, after aunty jeans birthday, after uncle toms anniversary, in January, when we get to winter......................
...................... always an excuse

Custardo, that's so true, but it doesn't take away the addiction bit. It's a biggie. I can't afford to smoke. I love a clean house, I have two beautiful dcs and I still smoke. Why would I smoke? Because I'm addicted.

i agree your preaching to the converted

nicotine is out of your system within 48 hours.

the immediacy of needing a cig every minute is really hard.

but the ongoing forever of not having one - well thats harder - every single day.

i did once get to a point where i might go a whole day not thinking about it at all - i think that was about 5-6 months in.

am stopping again january! for real this time.

Custardo, oh dear, so it's still a toughie with you then. I soooo want to stop. As previous post.................. after Christmas????? (Sorry, did I just say the 'c' word then).

I suppose you know that one 'stopping smoking is easy, I've done it loads of times'.

xx

Thanks for advice all.

I know how adddictive it is. I used to smoke. I gave up when I was pregnant with Ds1.

I've been thinking alot overnight, and I actaully think that, although I am angry about the smoking, I'm actually more angry about the way he's acting recently, with the shouting and moodiness.

I can't get angry at him about this, because I'm worried about putting him unfder more stress, but after him being ill, I can get angry about him smoking. So all the fustration I'm feeling has been channelled into that one thing. iyswim.

Deep breath, bite my tongue, and will try to leave him alone.

Such a tricky one.

Smokers aren't rational. Smoking is an addiction, and people who smoke act like drug addicts a lot of the time - because they are. They put their own desire / need to smoke as a priority above most other things and get very angry and defensive if you point it out to them.

I say this as a long time smoker, now thankfully an ex-smoker. I don't think you putting pressure on him or getting angry will work, unfortunately.

I'd support him in his job search and let the smoking go for now.

He'll probably stop of his own accord when he's no longer so stressed because of his job.

I'd be far more worried about the shouty sweary incident. Not worried that he did it, but worried that he can't remember it.

Uriel, that is worrying me alot. It's happened twice now. I has to go to our doctor last week about something else, and talked to him about it. There's not much he can do unless Dh speaks to the dr himself.

here is the very long winded thread I posted last week about the not remembering.

Actually reading that thread again makes me feel like such a bitch for getting angry at him last night when it's obvious he must be feeling so much stress.

Have been cooking all morning, so will phone him to come for some lunch and apologise.

thanks