my mother's getting hyterical. please help me detacha little

[oranges]

she;s misintepreting, overreacting, generally lashing out as she does soemtimes when she;s unhappy but I need to not absorb it all and let it wash over me and not feel guilty for things i haven't done. can you help, please? feeling alittle shaky.

oranges

What sort of things is she saying to you, can you elaborate?.

Your Mother's issues are hers to deal with; you should not take ownership of these. Her unhappiness is something that she herself needs to deal with.

I would suggest you take a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

its all silly - we are moving house and she is exploding and twisting everything I say, so if I say we could get a lodger if we lose our jobs and can't pay the mortgage, then that turns into - you are inviting a paedophile in to abuse your son. And she's going on and on about my weight - I gained some and am losing it slowly through exercise and healthy eating, but she keeps telling me I'm fat, at really awkward moments, like when I'm heading out of the door for work, having had five hours sleep. I think she's having problems with my dad and its coming out on me.

oranges

How does she react when you ask her to stop talking nastily about your life?.

How is your Dad - is he at all reasonable to talk to or has he enabled his wife's behaviour for his own wanting a quiet life (some men in these situations act as bystanders and do nothing).

I would keep my distance from such a person - parents can so easily damage their son's/daughter's self worth very quickly. You would not tolerate such behaviour from a friend , parents are no different in that regard. Neither of them should have carte blanche to ride roughshod over your feelings.

You know I have a mantra "I am not responsible for my mothers happiness" and it is true. I wrote it on a card and kept it in my pocket, teking it our when I needed it.

Now it comes automatically when she starts I keep repeating it in my head - so her words are just like bla, bla, bla.

my dad had a breakdown a decade ago, and I could tell his behavious was getting erratic, but he kept telling me not to tell my mum, which I didn't. She then blamed me for not saying anything, but even now she tends to explode at him if he tries to say he's unhappy with anything, so he keeps it in.
But she's not someone I want out of my life at all. Most times they are wonderful parents.

weight and houses are her two obsessions - she thinks she is overweight and has a tiny house and in reality is a very neat size 14 and lives in a 4 bed detached home. But she has no perspective on it and projects onto me.

My dad behaves a bit like your mum sometimes (and has absolutely no insight into it). I've got no idea how I haven't ended up with an eating disorder as he is obsessed with my (and everyone else's) weight. I think I learned to let his comments wash over me at a young age. I find venting to my brother and DH helps and we have a laugh about the more ludicrous comments - have you got anyone you can have a moan/laugh about it with?

my dh just brushes it off and if i vent to my brother it makes its wy back to my mother eventually and it explodes again. I normally cope by not saying too much to my parents about my plans or thoughts so they can'tbe torn apart but i'm naturally chatty and sometimes things slip out.

Just moan on here then I find it hard because even though I'm a grown woman, I think part of me still looks for parental approval of my decisions, even though I know I'm probably going to get a negative reaction. On the positive side, it probably makes you more independent as a person, do you think?

god yes, i'm incredibly independent! I get really jittery when I have to rely on others and at the moment my mother is providing emergency chidlcare for a fortnight, which I am incredibly grateful for, but wish I'd got a short term nanny instead. I think that because I can't just walk away as I normally do, I;m getting shaky.

Oranges - I think I understand that feeling. I know I struggle with how to let my dad be involved in our lives, but without him thinking he's then got carte blanche to interfere and say/do unhelpful things. Since dd born, this has become even more complicated - he dotes on her though. He dotes on me, he just isn't very socially/emotionally skilled at times. I've been trying to discuss things with him since I was a teenager, but there's no point as he doesn't get it. Deep breaths are the only way!