How do you tell your children that you are sleeping with your 'boyfriend'?

[lilibet]

I have been a single mum for a while and have in the past few months started seeing someone. I have 3 children, dd is 14 and ds's are 6 and 9. DB (!!) stays over when the children are at their dads and sometime stays over when they are here but never in my bed. How do you introduce the fact that he is sleeping with me? I am sure that if dd came in and found him there we would all die of embarrasment or if i broached the subject with her she would hate it. I am also concious of her being at a very impressionable age and don't want to give the wrong impression, but it does get a bit frustrating - not just talking sex here, having someone in bed for a nice cuddle andd to put my cold feet on is lovely too. Any brill suggestions other than put up with it!!

I am not in this situation myself, although one day I surely will be. The way I think I would deal with it is that my children love having sleep-overs when their good friends sleep in their rooms. Perhaps you could suggest having a sleep-over with your new man and see how they react. Only a suggestion - may be not even a very good one.

lilibet - I have not had this problem as a parent, but have very clear memories of being a 14 year old girl!

I think you should broach the subject with your dd. As you say, she is at a very impressionable age and now is your chance to set a good example by going on about how much you and your boyfriend love each other etc. Your dd may hate it at the time, but it could be valuable for her if you are completely honest and open now - it shows you are not living in the dark ages and will possibly counteract the pressure she is / will be under from some of her friends to experiment before she feels comfortable with it (if you see what i mean).

As for your DSs, not sure as they're so much younger.

Does he hang out with your children generally? What do they think of him? I would make him a part of your family first, personally. Days out, cinema, dinner together, hanging out on Sunday afternoon etc. It will be a lot more natural IMO if he's part of the family. I also think it is important, when you are alone with her, to 'officially' explain to your daughter that he is your boyfriend, that you like him very much/he's important to you etc and ask her if she has any worries or thoughts about it - she might well be more worried that he's going to try to tell her what to do, or that you won't want to be with her as much than about your sex life. Re the actual sleeping together, well, does she come in your room a lot? Maybe just tell her not to be surprised to see X when she wakes up as tonight he's going to stay over tonight with you. She is 14 after all, and I think she'll understand what you are talking about. It would have left me mortified if my mother had ever tried talking about her sex life in any way - no criticism of you, but that's what teenagers are like. I think the younger ones will just accept it and probably want to come into bed for a cuddle. My stepdaughter was six when I met her, and we got to know each other first and she didn't bat an eyelid to find me there in the morning.

Obviously, you may well do all this already.

Thanks for the comments so far. Yes, he is part of the family, babysits for me, has had tea with us all on numerous occasions, the boys think the world of him, for them its really nice to have a man interested in what they do, dd has been ok, and does sit and watch tv with us, which does make me feel a bit like my mum is in the room!! Absolutley with aloha on the sex talk. I would have died a thousand deaths. You just don't want to think of your mum having sex at all at that age do you?

lilibet, she probably assumes you sleep with him anyway. At 14 she is unlikely to be completely naive about sex, so I would be tempted to ask her if she minds him being around. I think in her postition I would prefer to be asked if I minded him staying over in your bed, the conversation is likely to be very embarassing, but if you are open with her now, she is more likely to be open with you in the future when she wants to start sleeping with boyfriends.