Not talking to my dad - advice needed on Xmas

[Pennies]

In the summer we had a disastrous holiday at my dad's house in France which we left early because of how him and his DW (my step-mum) were to us. Long story but he rents part of the house out to guests, he ignored the children for the whole holiday, criticised my parenting and then put money before family by telling me to sort my children's very normal bedtime tantrums out because family play second fiddle to paying guests and he didn't want people to complain (despite the fact I was also looking after the guests' children - for free - during the day). I posted about it here but must have put it in chat as I can't find it now. The consensus was that he was being a complete tosser and I was better off without him. RL friends also believe this.

Since then there has been no contact with either of them exception for a Gruffalo book sent to my DD for her birthday (just bunged into a brown envelope, they couldn't be arsed to wrap it) and a card for her which he didn't sign.

There was no acknowledgment of my birthday last month - not even a phone call.

So with Xmas looming should I:

a) not send a card

b) send a card

c) send a card with a book token for a nominal amount in

d) send a card with a copy of The Good Grandparent Guide or similar

e) send a normal present as if nothing has happened.

b) and don't sign it

Send a card and present, Pennies.

I recall your thread, and I think we all agreed to write the holiday off, chalk it up to experience and never attempt anything similar again.

He is a prize twit but you can be the Bigger Person here.

Depends what you want to achieve.

Definitely not d)

I would do nothing.

The fact that it is Christmas doesn't change what happened. Are you speaking? If not, then leave it.

Unless you want to mend fences, and have a relationship with them again (for the life of me I wouldn't know why!!), in which case, a nice card with a letter, thus putting the ball in their court, might be a good idea.

Most people have a "must forgive anything if the person doing it to you is, through an accident of birth, related to you" attitude , which tbh I find baffling. You are thrown with people for no reason whatsoever and you owe them nothing (and they owe you nothing) if you get on - great. If you don't - fuck 'em.

How about you leave it till the very last day for posting and see if you get a card. If you don't, don't bother.
TBH though if he makes the effort, I would get in touch, you only get one dad and I'm sure you'd be upset if he wasn't around. Season of Good Will and all that

Just send a card and present and stop being so ungrateful about unwrapped presents. At least they sent something.

think life is too short for silly games someone has to be the bigger person here

send a card and present or just a card regardless about what you get back etc it could be the start to build bridges no matter who was in the wrong you both sound as stubborn as each other

as they havent contacted you but doesnt sound like you have contacted them either make peace its just not worth the hassle and whether they wrapped present or not they did bother and it should be the thought that counts

I agree with bubblagirl. We have a similar situation and that's what we're going to do. Not particulary bothered if we get anything back, but just leaving the hypothetical door open.

You will feel better for being the grown up.

Did I say I was ungrateful? No - on the contrary she loves the book and we enjoy reading it together. I'm sure you can understand how the way it was sent and the fact that he didn't even sign a card for her shows a level of offhandedness that is rather .

Not sure what I want to achieve. I don't want to antagonise (option d is exactly what my dad would do which is why I put it in) but I'm not sure I really want to have much to do with them. Life without them since the summer has not been unpleasant.

I don't understand why people feel something should be done at all in cases like this. I really don't. If you don't get on with someone - why have them in your life? I have never heard a reason for that that wasn't "because they are family" - which brings me right back to "an accident of birth, so what?"

Because when they are gone you might regret it?

As someone else said, you only get one dad.

Only you can decide.

I think I'd send a card.

Depends on how your childhood was/relationship with him before this incident as to whether you would send a present as well. If it was good, send a present as well. If not, leave it at a card.

My mum always says that just because my dad is a nasty person, we shouldn't allow him to make us into nasty people as well.

It obviously bothered you it hadn't been wrapped, so yes that is ungrateful imo.

I wish I had a Dad to send a card too.

My dad died last year just before Christmas, so I feel the same. But I do realise that some people, no matter how much they want to have a good relationship with their parent, can't because of reasons we may not be aware of.

If you truly think the relationship is not able to be fixed, for whatever reason, I'd leave it. If you are able to imagine what would happen if he died at this point, and know you wouldn't feel any regret, then that is ok. But don't rely on him being there forever, and remember you're the one likely to outlive him and deal with this.