Ex is here and i think something is going to happen

[Mumlikeu]

I broke up with my partner of three years about a month ago. He is my best friend and we are still extremely close and see each other once a week because he has my son on fridays. He is my son's 'daddy'. And although we arent together any more he is still playing his role in my sons life and because of this we are still a family in that sense.
However me and my ex were not having sex due to a decision made by myself to be celibate as i wanted to stay pure until we got married.Infact we have not had sex for the year. And although it was difficult at the beginning we knew the reasons for doing it and i was amazed by how close we still remained. It was not until a few months ago i started to feel isolated and feeling like things were still not any better. He has a demanding job and i am in college plus i work and have my son. So there was very little time for us to see each other and when we did it revolved around my son. And things were becoming extremely routined and i wanted out.
The confusing part is ever since the spilt we are getting on much better and im finding myself becoming rather attracted to him more and more.
I dont want us to have sex. As i am aware i ended the relationship for things to improve. I am afraid if i allow something to happen tonight it will result in a bad way. I love him and he still loves me. It is clear that neither of us wants to move on. But we clearly have issues to resolve in our relationship and i dont want anything to complicate matters.
Advice asap!

The OP makes little sense to me.

You have a son. This man was playing a significant role in your son's life.

So, in an effort to improve things, you decided to refuse to have sex. Your man went along with this but then things (what things?) did not improve.

Then because your relationship was becoming routine you dumped the poor man.

If I am honest I think you sound a bit nuts (sorry). How is refusing sex (and possibly excluding other forms of intimacy from your relationship) going to "improve" things? You had a man who looked after you and your son and was prepared to put up with you refusing to have sex which is part of a normal adult loving relationship and when your relationship wasn't also exciting (which I assume you mean when you say it became routine) you dumped him. He sounds like a doormat and you sound demanding. If I was him I think I would be glad to be out of that relationship.

If I am honest I also suspect that you are only attracted to the poor sap again now because since you have finished you can't control him anymore.

As for things becoming routine, that is the nature of adult relationships after a while. But things being routine means they are also comfortable. This has its compensations - a comfortable relationship is also one in which there is trust, love, intimacy and respect. I rate that pretty highly.

Hey ladies. Im pretty disappointed some of you think of me as a'loon'. That is a little harsh. I have no issues with sex and neither am i troubled.

I am a born again christian. And dont believe in sex before marriage. But of course i am aware that i am not physically a virgin, i have a child!

I think what i failed to say is that we both want to be pure until we work out ourselves and get to that better place in our relationship.

I think maybe i was un clear with how i put myself across. I just figured as we are all mums regardless of religion i would get some undertsanding and maybe some advice instead of criticism.
I am sure alot of us go through the motions and sometimes refuse to put up with someone just for the sake of it. And if we could all try other ways of improving our situations we would.
Thanks
mumlikeu

you sound very young . You either want to be a family unit and have a normal relationship with your child's father (I am reading that right aren't I , although you talk about "my" son not our). Did he have an affair because you denied him sex, or go along with it ? If he is faithful, trustworthy , a good dad and your best friend what is stopping you or do you not love him ? Assuming you're both consenting adults I'm not sure what you can really gain by this stategy , unless you have imminent plans to marry.

Mumlikeyou, I'm really sad to read this thread and the way you've been treated - I think your OP was a bit confusing, I didn't quite understand the problem myself but can see there is one, iyswim and I am sorry people were rude.

I hope you manage to find a way through this situation, wishing you luck xx

Gosh there are some really nasty, condescending and downright bullying posts here.

Where do you lot get off calling someone crazy and a loon?

I can see why a lot of people are leaving mN now

most of the born again Christians I know see marriage as the foundation of a young child's life

why aren't you married if your commitment to this is so strong?

Thanks. I am 28. I dont really think age is the issue here. As i have been thorugh alot for my age and can honestly say some of the posts replied to my OP come across to me as young minded people who get off making others feel inadequate.

We were hoping to get married but unlike a young minded person who sees marriage as the be all and end all. I rather make sure and solve the fundamental issues that are there now so that when we do get married those un resolved issues do not become a problem.

I would like to say one thing. I am not depressed anymore as i once suffered from severe depression. I can honestly say the replies on this thread were damn right offensive and if i were in the same place i used to be mentally few years ago, reading such replies couldve have detrimental effects. Ladies/mums lets just be careful how we respond to each other. This site should be a tool for us to interact and relate as mums. It is NOT and never should be a site for us to be demeaning and rude.

I will still continue to use it as i find it useful and insightful. Let us not loose the focus of whats its all about.
Mumlikeu x

Good, as you can see from some of the considered, considerate replies we're not all horrible

IN fact a lot of people come across as rude when they are just having a joke, and are nice as pie when they know you better and you know them

Trouble is being a newbie people don't always make allowances and can make you feel quite bad. I don't think it's malice, just thoughtlessness.

Mumlikeyou - I am sorry if the replies here (including mine) have upset you.

I don't have a problem with people electing not to have sex for religious reasons and know a number of people who have gone this route, although it would certainly not be for me.

I also agree it is smart to fix any relationship problems before getting married.

What I did find odd about your OP were the ideas that, firstly, not having sex would improve your relationship and secondly that having split up because your relationship had become routine you were contemplating "something happening". If I were the man in the equation I would be very confused by all of that.

Well, I for one was willing to come here and offer my take on it, and I am sorry that my attempt to stand up for you when you were called a loon is brushed off as rude an offensive in that I called you troubled. Sorry, but you sound troubled. So if I cant call a spade a spade and be honest, I will be off.

Good Luck.

Quint I thought you were very kind earlier.

i dont know why we still feel the need to go on. I know i aint troubled Quint. And as for your earlier message being kind, i choose to disagree. I mean to be frank we all have our opinions on things. So to call a spade a spade as you said is rather blaze. But whatever!
Its all good. I did and do not need to be defended. But will not tolerate disrespect regardless of whatever someones opinions might be. If we all thought the same what a boring place the world would be. But its not what was said from the few ignorant replies and comments that bothered me. More so the fact that they were said based on prejudice.

It is clear most of the replies were coming from older women who assumed im this young girl and referred to my ex as 'boy'. And showed total disrespect for the fact that i chose to live a 'pure' life in terms of celibacy and decided because it is not someone you would do. I must therefore be 'loon''nuts' 'troubled', 'born again virgin act'.

Maybe Mrshappy you felt the need to write those things cos you arent as happy as you think you are. I know one thing from this experience is that alot of you on here are truly messed up, ignorant, disrespectful, and lonely. And it took someone like me with an issue i dont even loose sleep over, but wanted some woman to woman advice on. As i assumed this was a family of mums understanding eachother and being supportive to eachother.

To be honest serves me right cos i used to have my doubts about sites like this. It is simply bullish to make someone (anyone) regardless of age, religion. etc to feel small because of ignorance.
Infact i have to laugh and im laughing now as me and my ex have read all the replies and even he cant understand where the confusion with the OP is> maybe it is the fact that many of you think a relationship is only so based on sex and cannot comprehend how a young woman could possibly want to better her relationship by not having sex. Anyways this is my last entry on this matter.
Everyone has a belief, everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a heart, everyone has feelings. And with all of this respect is required.

Oh my gosh. Well after reading that I would tend to go with troubled myself, actually. What a bitter and strange post. I am quite sorry I stood up for you now.

I'm going to leave this thread now as I think it's horrid and pointless.

OP you are apparently more prejudiced against us than any of us are against you. Take a look at yourself.

Except to say that I am amazed to see you're training to be a counsellor.

agree with rr . It doesn't seem as if you have really broken up , apart from living apart for a few weeks. I'm not even sure your sense of isolation was associated with the celibacy, rather just the way things settle down into a routine. If you think there is a future together, with or without sex before marriage, go ahead and try to sort out your probelms, if not you'd better make it clear to your ex or he may have rather different expectations.

I think the "Born Again Christian" thing is the real issue.

Try living by slightly less rigid rules, be a good person, treat everyone with respect and dignity and do what ever needs to be done, within reason, to make you, your son and your "ex" happy. If you remove the confusion of unrealistic morals and open yourself up to honest emotions (including desire) you may find yourself much happier.

It's particularly difficult to make any suggestions on how to resolve the "issues" you had when you don't actually say what they were, but if he has weathered 12 months of celibacy and still acts as a father to your son (when he is not actually his father) then he sounds like a keeper, so get yourselves sorted and stop over-complicating your life with Jeeezzus!

An excellent example of how religion really screws you up, that's all I can say.
Please bear in mind that the core teachings of religions are supposed to be about kindness, fairness, tolerance etc and the sexual hangups some religions propagate are to do with indivudual dysfunctional men who hate women and therefore want to have power oer them.

Mumlikeu - sorry you feel your OP was not treated respectfully or helpfully.

I meant to be straightforward and respond to what I heard. It DOES sound as if you have a lot between you, and as if you and he got phased out bey the demands of your lives. It sounds as if he got launched into taking on the 'Daddy' role to your child before you and he had had time to be fo each other and primarily fo each other - which is the bond that will hold a couple together when the demands of parenting start to bite.

But there must be other issues which you did not include in your OP.

I can't advise you on what to do about a kind, mature, generous man who is a good dad toyour child to whom you feel strong sexual attraction: personally i would use that sexual attraction as part of the celebration of my love , freindship and respect for that man. Unless I really didn't want to be in a relationship with him. But it so much sounds as if you two could work this out...

Good luck.

PS since your aproach and context for this is very much tied into your religious conviction, you may get a more sympatico reposnse from likeminded people on the 'Religion, spirituality and philosophy' board.

"PS since your aproach and context for this is very much tied into your religious conviction, you may get a more sympatico reposnse from likeminded people on the 'Religion, spirituality and philosophy' board."

You mean she is more likely to get people telling her to be a Good Christian Girl even if it is totally f*cking up her life and relationship?

I am frustrated by the assertion that sex is somehow "impure". Sure, there can be dirty, filthy sex, but when a couple make love it can be a very beautiful and spiritual thing. Far from degrading a relationship it can help to bring your closer.

Why didn't you explain your situation fully in your OP then?

Your response to people here has been patronising, arrogant and failed totally to see that others may have been trying to understand your situation and therefore help you.

hear hear

< wanders off, whispering "loon" >

If ever there was an uptight soul that needs a good seeing to........

yep, the doctor orders a jolly good rogering

< resolves to stop being a bitch now >

OMG, Mumlikeu, aren't you just up your own arse !

I have been on here months and have never felt this incensed by someone's response. Sex is a healthy, normal and very important part of a relationship and anyone who wants to take it away from their partner needs to take a good hard look at themselves ! Religion or no religion, didn't it say in the bible that the people should go forth and multiply ? We are in the 21st century FGS, there is nothing wrong with sex before marriage, we are not going to be struck down by a bolt of lightening !!!

In fact, I've never been this rude to someone before on here, but believe me, you are not a mumlikeme !