I think i have married the wrong man, but two DC later...

[isthistheend]

Oh dear what a mess, I am really confused what to do.

I am questionning if I have ever really loved DH. We are in a really bad rut, and I honestly dont know how we will get out of it as I really feel that my feelings are very low for him right now. Lots of stress at his work, long hours, snappy temprement, and if I'm honest I dont fancy him at all (that makes me really sad).

How does anyone know if really its the end of the marriage? I just cant imagine me telling everyone its over and actually moving out but in my heart I dont love him and dont want to be with him but I am scared of being alone and scared that a few months down the line I might feel that it was the wrong decision? Perhaps most people feel like this but Im not the type of person to discuss this with anyone in RL

DH adamant he wont go to marriage counselling

I should also say that it has been like this pretty much for the past 2 years.

Perhaps you could go to Relate on your own to talk through your feelings, explore the possibility of leaving him.

Or maybe some time apart would help you think things over, could you go and stay with friends or family for a few days and see how you feel then.

(((BIG HUGS)))

I second the idea of going to Relate. Talking to someone should help you to find a solution, whether that is to try to make it work, or to separate. When I was considering ending my relationship, I found self-help books very helpful. Positive thinking etc...

thanks for the replies ladies.

I have thought about going to relate alone but in all honestly I just don't feel it would help a great deal as I think its mostly DH's behaviour that needs to be acknowledged by him and for him to understand why I'm so unhappy.

I know its different for everyone, but part of me wished I had a better understanding of relationships in general - we met very young and I feel I have no guage of what is going to be normal in most relationships and what you really shouldn't have to put up with

well tell us and we#ll be your guage of what you shouldn't have to put up with !

met my dh at age 17,

"Lots of stress at his work, long hours, snappy temprement" is this him or you, or both of you?

Chatkins, being treated like a dogsbody, complaints toys are still out when DH gets home, housework not done etc (not true as DH so untidy and messy that he undoes so much). Him and I not really having anything in common any more (used to pre kids), his need for far more sleep than both of us can get each night/week (I always get up and see to the kids during the night and in the morning yet he always complains of being tired and is so moody with it), He often complains about DC2 crying (very harsh as DC2 isnt a screamer and is a good soul). DH never txts or calls me from work (does have breaks in his day when this would be possible), DH never does anything towards household like sorting out any services we need, bills , mortgage, loans etc

I think I feel like a housekeeper

Beanieb - I am still on maternity leave, DH is the one with long hours and snappy

how ,ong were you together pre kids ITTE

maybe it is just having young children....

Have you spoken to him about any of this ?

There are some things you mention that sound familiar to me with mine, but we tend to joke and muddle through, and things tend to even out etc.

But you sound really genuinely fed up and I donm't blame you

NaOOHD been together 13 years in total, 10 yrs pre kids.

We just seem incapable of being civil to each other for extended periods of time. I know this isnt sounding great which is why I wondered how many couples are really happy and enjoying each others company? I probably sound spoilt

no you dont at all

You need to be happy

life is a one off and you need to enjoy it

It does sound a bit grim. Did he always expect you to take care of him, service him and put his needs first? For instance, when you were dating, was it always his choice of film to see, place to eat etc? If so then unfortunately he thinks that he is a Man and therefore more important than a Woman and you exist for his benefit.
Could you point out to him that men who do their share of housework have better relationships and get more sex than men who treat their wives like servants? Might that help?

Chatkins, we had a big palava 2 years ago when he seemed a bit too friendly with a colleague. It changed how I felt about him but he doesnt accept that and says its my personality trait to be suspicious etc. I feel that maybe years ago I was but certainly not in the past , say, 4/5 yrs.

We used to joke about the housework etc but he always raises it in an arguement or when hes been drinking. I feel he doesn't value my opinions or advice either , in fact last wk he googled something I had been telling him for years and when he read the same advice on line he stopped doing it which was hurtful as I had been saying that all this time.

I just don't discuss this with anyone in RL so am unsure really if hes being an arse or whether I've just unrealistic ideas of what marriage should be like?

You are not spolit, you deserve to be happy, that is not exactly a lot to ask outnof your life, is it ?

NaOOHD - sometimes I convince myself we need to separate to be happy, in fact we did row a month or so ago when we both agreed "this isn't working" but we muddled through. I find him very selfish , we eat when he's hungry etc but then he is under immense pressure at work and worries about losing his job etc.

SGB - yes he is the stronger of us both, its probably my fault as I've always been happy to go along with the flow with most things in life - his choice in holiday, cars, meals etc (actually that is grating on me a bit now as I cook 2 or 3 meals a night as he doesnt like a lot of things me and the kids do).

we havent had sex for ages, he says he fancies me and we should do it more often but its always me who initiates it - he'd far rather play pc games/geeky stuff til way past bedtime.

ITTE I could have written your OP 18 months ago (minus the kids - we were TTC at the time). I don't think I solved it the best way, but we are now back together on a 'fresh start' - new house in a new area, new jobs (turns out it was his job-worries that put him in a permanent sulk with me), new attitudes. He even starts cooking dinners all of his own accord if he's home from work first now.

How did we turn it round? He refused counselling, so I did it on my own. Not Relate - I found an independant psychotherapist. Although H refused to attend, when the therapist gave me exercises to ask him to try, he did try them (half-heartedly, but at least it gave me a chance to talk through my side of it with him). He refused to change, so I changed my attitude to him - then he had no choice but to change!

I did move out for the best part of a year, I don't know whether the same result could have been achieved with a week away (it only took him a week to get into trouble for forgetting to pay bills and to run out of clean underwear at which point he phoned and said 'I don't know how you were doing it all)

HTH. Good luck! If you want to save it, or even have the slightest idea that you might want to, then you CAN turn this round.

Ditzzy, interesting to hear how you turned your marriage around. I feel very worn down by DH right now, and feel that the only thing keeping us together is the kids as in I am not planning to go because I would feel very guilty of breaking up the family home and depriving my DC of their father. Then again he works such long hours sometimes he doesn't see them for a few days as they are in bed when he goes/returns.

I'll close this thread now as I have had some time to think and have received good advice. I'm going to have another attempt to ask him to go to counselling with me , if he still refuses then I'll tell him straight that I dont see a future for us.