Im starting to NOT LIKE my husband(hates a bit too strong at the moment)

[sunshineakindat]

ive been married for 5 years and have produced 4 boys including twins. if this wasnt enough my husband is becoming more and more annoying to me. this morning i told him i was finding it hard to cope and instead of saying i will try and help you out more, his reply was that i needed to manage my time better! i was so angry. i gave up my job to be a full time mum and i really miss working. i want to work part time and have time to create arty things. he is a dreaded retail manager so holidays and weekends are the worst time because thats when hes busiest at work. he is really starting to annoy me. He goes in early,he comes home late, , has a go at me or the boys for the state of the house, eats his dinner ( which i always cook, surprising as he says i dont manage my time! then falls asleep infront of the tv. he always has a go at me for going to bed after midnight then getting up at 8 but im so knackered and dont have time to do the housework when the kids are in. hes so moody and sensitive he seems to have worse pmt than me. too make it worse weve just moved in with his parents as he got a ccj and weve had to rent out our house to pay off our debts.the house is a tip but noone ever helps me tidy up including their mess. im expected to do everything and I CANT COPE! ive been very childish and told him im going on strike ( sex included) but ive had enough. ive joined mumsnet today and have decided im just going to spend my days blogging and let the boys do what they like. i dont care if they havent got any clothes or if the dishwasher hasnt been loaded, i will order a pizza for dinner then leave them behind and go to my mums for the weekend bymyself! thanks i feel a bit better now. (sorry i dont have time for grammatical errors).

Didnt want to leave your post unanswered, cant offer an answer, Im sure one of the more enlighten members of mumsnet will

Have a BIG HUG

Poor you you sound knackered.

No proper advice but welcome to Mumsnet by the way! Now you have found this place your house will be even more of a tip I promise you, it gets very addictive!

Have you thought about looking for a part-time job, it sounds like you are missing work? I am a SAHM and appreciate it is hard, but must be impossible living with the in-laws.

Totally know where you're coming from! I've once threatened to run away for 2 weeks! I don't really know what more to say or suggest to help, but I hope that just by ranting this out to MN, you feel slightly better already.

I too sometimes find myself in periods where I dislike my DH intensely, and its aggravated by his snoring too! Argh!

Take care!

Poor you it sounds like you and your DH are having a hard time at the moment. I can understand how you feel as have had sveral periods such as this with my DH, mainly because I've been knackered and he's been stressed. If I'm knacked and he's not stressed or I'm not so knacked we manage OK as one of us supports the other when you're both having a hard time you both need support and feel the other should be doing more to help.
It sounds to me like you need a break, good idea to go to your mum's, having 4 DC of that age must be very hard, esp boys.
Spare a thought for your DH if you can and try to see through the resentment understandably that you feel. He is no doubt stressed and finding things hard at the moment. he is probably feeling like he has let you and the family down if you have had to move in with his parents, IME men are very proud about providing for their families and so he is probably feeling bad about it, and also IME this comes over in withdrawal and criticism.
I know its hard but it sounds like you need to work together as a team through this, but you need to talk without being judgemental - believe me, I know that bit is hard. He is already being very hard on himself and feels that he has let you down so you need to tell him you love him and its alright, don't criticise his lack of help but say specifically what you would like him to do - like could you take the rubbish out please, or change the babies nappy. Men don't mind being asked what to do like we do - ut makes them feel needed and right now that should help his self esteem.
I speak from personal experience and also from the Mars and Venus book it really is very helpful to understand how men perceive situations in a different way from us. It sounds like you're both having a hard time so do try to make your realtionship work, he won't he's too proud but you can.
Remember men aren't really shits its just that's how they behave on Mars
Good luck, its worth it.

so i suppose i shouldnt really carry on with the strike then?
its only been 4 hours and i feel terrible already. but i feel i should carry on just to make my point!

Well 4 hours isn't very long, I've gone on strike for a couple of days - mind you it didn't do much good as DH didn't actually notice
No, do take some time off , you do need a break, but then come back refreshed and ready to be the one to sort out your relationship.
BTW welcome to mumsnet - it keeps me sane, you will find that however bad you think your DH is someone else always has one worse. Don't let your DH in though otherwise he will point out that he's not so bad after all as he could be a lot worse

thanks cluttered up.
when i picked the kids up from school they noticed the mess and i told them i was on strike. my eldest said i think your right you do everything. ive told them we r having a pizza for dinner so as we speak one is hoovering the hall and the twins are tidying up their bedroom. i wish adults where as lovely as kids!
i love them boys!

btw i spared them the details. my parents always used to get us involved and its the worst thing you can do. when my husband gets back they will be in bed so wont hear him moaning at me hopefully.

if hes going into work early/coming home late, is he under pressure at work? you both sound exhausted...my husband has to do this as he is an associate and i find myself struggling with two+pregnant, and i can feel a bit abandonded fighting the tide of mess and having to do everything for everyone and no one making sure that i'm okay..having a teary fit because i'm always the last in the equation. you have to connect with each other and both agree that its tough and try to agree to some solutions, although things sound really tough for you having to life with your inlaws.

Being on here all day and leaving the children to fend for themselves will have no impact on your husband's attitude to you. He will just be more annoyed about the state of the house.

He needs to grow up and you both need to talk to each other without getting angry.

Would it help to make an extensive list of:

1. the things you need to achieve every day/ week
2. the reasons you think you're not achieving them
3. the things you're pleased about to do with handling your life
4. the pluses and minuses of your relationship

Once you have this on paper it's much easier to take a proper look at your life and find a way through it.

Going on strike will provide very short-term gain but add more stress in both the short and the long-term. You say you think it's immature but you're doing it anyway; your DH will almost definitely see it as immature, unsupportive and mean. It seems to me that neither of you understands each other's perspective and until you can do that you can't move on.

I once heard a marriage counsellor (with 20+ years of experience) say that he's never encountered a marriage that couldn't be fixed. With that in mind, believe that there IS a way through this which will result in a stronger, fun and more supportive relationship.

You and your husband firstly need to get to know each other again - organise a 'date' - even something as simple as an afternoon on your own in the park while his parents look after the kids. During this time you must ban all talk of your home lives. The point here is not to sort out your problems, but to connect.

If you think you'll struggle for something to talk about, why not both watch a TV programme or listen to a radio programme, and then use that as a starting point for discussion.

I suggest that you find a marriage course or see a marriage counsellor, though often men are reluctant to do this. It is basically a way of investing in your marriage in the way that you might invest in your career - ultimately I'm sure your marriage and family lives come first for both of you, regardless of how chaotic things are at the moment.

I suspect that your money troubles are adding to your husband's temper - he may even feel humiliated/ emasculated by the CCJ issue. This is not an excuse for the way he's been treating you, but it might help to explain some of his behaviour. Also four children in 5 years of marriage is a HUGE deal and will have tranformed your relationship dramatically.

I have to dash, but I hope these thoughts are of some use.

Thanku. he is always going on about us going out together. might do at the weekend if hes talking to me!
i dont regret going on strike today ive had a fantastic day! i have not left my kids to fend for themselves as 3 of them are at school. my baby boy had a fantastic long nap today which gave me some much needed peace and quiet and they are all in bed now. we had such a great afternoon as i wasnt bothered about the housework and we just chilled together. i ordered a pizza and they did their rooms. the house looks better now except the kitchen but i refuse to do it. my inlaws are not helpful and do not see why they should do anything including their own stuff. my brother in law is 25 is still here and has been in bed all day! i havent even seen him today . it just showed me that the kids in the house are not the problem its the adults behaving like children that cause me the most stress.

i think that you should try to get a part time job in order to pay for a cleaner. Otherwise you will continue to feel dumped on. Good that you are teaching the boys to help themselves- good for you, them and their future wives).

Warn your husband you were chatting to somebody on line who used to live with a man like that (well, in fairness to your husband, my x was a lot worse). But he used to criticise the state of the house. Dinner was criticised if it wasn't nice enough, but I was criticised if I spent too much on ingredients.

I didn't want to save my relationship because my x was a complete wanchor, but if you do want to save yours, I think you need to properly OPEN his eyes to what you have to deal with. The ONLY way to do that is to go away for a fortnight. His parents aren't allowed to help.

Then when the blinkers have fallen off (about how easy it is to be a mother then get a part time job maybe a few evenings, so he has to mind the children and you're not spending money on childcare. He'd never criticise again.

Ddfinitely get a pizza tonight! And don't even be the one to flatten the pizza box and put it in the recycling bin. let him do it.