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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do about inlaws. Please someone help me get things straight in my head!!

15 replies

AnAngelWithin · 07/11/2008 11:46

Firstly, this is likely to be long and probably a bit ranty, and for that, I am sorry in advance!

So, here goes.

Me and DH been married for 10 years. 4 kids. ILs live the other side of our small town. SILs both live away.

Anyway, both SIL home this weekend with their partners. I said ages ago that me and both SILs should go out this weekend. They said yes. Anyway, theres 3 of the families birthdays between yesterday and next friday including both MIL and FIL. Last year was ILs 60th, big party, everyone went including us.

I asked FIL the on wednesday what he was doing over the weekend and he let it slip that him, MIL, 2xSILs and their partners, MILs sister and BIL, are all going out for dinner on saturday night. We have not been invited. Its not the first time this has happened, but we have always let it go. However this time, DH has got really upset and cross about it. MIL and FIL came round last night but DH wasn't here. I basically ignored them really cos I was so cross. They came to see the kids.

Anyway, we are starting to feel now that we are being more and more excluded from the family. There was an occasion where MIL basically hurried us all off out the house, and when we called round later with something I had picked up from the shop for her, they were all sat there, 10 of them having a meal. The only time we have really been out with them is if I have sorted something out, and for the ILs birthday party (felt it was just for show cos of the grandkids!). We haven't actually ever had them ring us up and say 'we are going out would you like to come?' DH and I don't know what to do. MIL is coming round at 12, and I don't know whether to say something about how upset we are, or just ignore it. DH is even on about us booking a table in the same restaurant at the same time as them and us go on our own!! I would like to tell MIL how much they are upsetting us, but I don't know if i dare! And SIL cos she had already said she would go out with us this weekend. DHs other aunty has said that it was SIL idea for them all to go out for dinner this weekend as well saying 'oh i thought it would be nice for us all to meet up seeing as me and x (other sil) are both home for the weekend'.Everyone exceot us I take it. I don't know what to think. I know we have got 4 kids, but tbh, and I am not just saying this, they are really good kids and are very quiet and polite when we are out. People even said at the ILs party that they had never seen such well behaved kids. So it's not like the kids are so naughty it puts them off inviting us! sigh. I'm frazzled and this is turning into a rant and a half so I will stop for now!! Sorry!

If I disappear its cos shes turned up!!

OP posts:
tiktok · 07/11/2008 11:50

Oh dear....you are right to be hurt and upset. This is something best tackled by both you and DH, IMO. You need to be open and honest with them, and as for what to say to MIL now, before you can confront her with DH, I suggest being cool with her and saying you and DH will be in touch later to talk to them about 'something important' and don't be drawn on it any more.

mampam · 07/11/2008 11:59

I think DH's idea is a good one, book a table of your own at the same restaurant. That'll put the wind up their sails when they see the two of you there.

cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 12:02

Tricky as they are excluding you & it's hard to find out why. Do you have a relative that dh can talk to about this?

Twims · 07/11/2008 12:03

Go to the restaurant - with your 4 children if poss and have great fun - they won't know where to look

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 07/11/2008 12:08

theres no other relatives we can talk to. I know that if DH spoke to MIL, things would get pretty heated and then things might be said that shouldn't be said. Thats why I am tempted to say something while its just me and MIL? she not here yet.

OP posts:
mishymoo · 07/11/2008 12:14

TBH I think it would look childish if you turned up at the restaurant while they are there especially as FIL knows he told you, IYSWIM? I think you and your DH need to speak to your IL's and ask why you have been excluded and tell them how it makes you feel.

cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 12:15

Does your dh agree with you taking on your mil?

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 07/11/2008 12:19

yes DH agrees with me talking to MIL. I thought it would be a bit childish turning up at the restaurant too.

DH is even on about moving away cos he thinks that it will be us that end up having to look after them in their old age, even though we aren't the ones that are the closest to them, but it will get 'landed' on us cos we are the nearest!

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 12:21

If she's reasonable you could just ask her for an explaination - see what she says. Good luck.

Original poster
AnAngelWithin · 07/11/2008 12:23

i think she will know that something is wrong as I wasn't very sociable with them last night, so she will probably ask. Then I will tell her. Shes late now! I told her I am going out at 1!

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 12:26

Hopefully you & her will be able to resolve the situation and your dh will be pleased you were able to bring the family closer together.

ilovetochat · 07/11/2008 12:27

go out at quarter to 1,
seriously, i would ask her why you have been excluded and if there is no real reason (which i can't think of one) then stop haveing her round so much and see them all on your terms and they might realise how hurtful they are being.

anynicknamesleft · 07/11/2008 12:35

When i read your message i thought why wouldn't they want the two of you turning up? Then i realised that you intended to take the kids. Beautiful as they may be people without children (or more than one child) find they cramp their style. They may enjoy then at a party but they have a clear cut 'this is adult time' and probably don't want to talk about the lastest power ranger. They probably didn't invite you because they thought you would feel more offended if they said can you get a babysitter than if they chanced you not finding out.

I was offended by MIL when she stopped me waking my child for christmas dinner, cos he might make a noise. Anyway over the years i have realised that she can do nothing right in my eyes and that it is my problem.

Zahrah · 07/11/2008 14:24

We have had the same thing happen to us except it was the SIL not the parents.

Awful behaviour from adults. Why they can't tell you the reason for you not getting invited is beyond me. (Gutless twats!)

The best thing you can do is go out to another restaurant with your DH & DC and enjoy the evening.

cupsoftea · 07/11/2008 21:03

How did it go? Was it ok? Hope it's sorted out now xxx

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