Do you still fancy/have a "spark" with your DP/DH?

[LeavesLeavesEverywhere]

And is this essential to a relationship working longer-term?

DS's dad and I have lived apart for a while. We've been seeing a counsellor to explore reconciliation, and have been working fairly effectively through a lot of stuff that contributed to the end of our relationship. Despite this progress, she has commented that there doesn't seem to be much of a "spark" between us. I think she's right, and I think I know why it's fizzled out.

Does it need to be there for this to work?

I think it does have to be there to work. But often resentment can be a real longterm killer so it depends.

I often read on here about women that have been treated dreadfully by their other halves and are prepared to overlook things and ride it through 'just to stay together, I still love him's and things'. I often wonder if this 'spark' is stronger than we think.

Spark? Love? Lust? Click? To be honest I don't know anymore. All I can base it on is my own experience with EH, whom I adored and worshipped and loved unconditionally and always had a great sexlife with, then he went and had an affair, and the spark, click, lust, love died all in one go... I never got over it, and I couldn't bear him coming near me. Couldn't get over it. Resentment is a big bummer.

I used to go through the motions with him after we reconciled but I never had that spark back, ever. Eventually we parted and went our separate ways. I think of him now (rarely) and I don't know how I could have ever loved him, had the spark with him or whatever it was...

Thanks, Kally and givethedog. I can relate to what both of you are saying. Kally, to have felt so intensely for your EH and he then do what he did must have been devastating. You're sounding as though you have well and truly moved on now though.

givethedog, I have felt that way too about DS's dad. Maybe expecting it to be there all the time (which I don't think I was before, but the counsellor has got me fretting!) is unrealistic, especially way down the line with kids in tow.

I think you have to work hard at keeping the spark, especially if there have been problems, you have young kids etc. I posted this elsewhere earlier...

"I went through a rough patch with my DP and found it difficult to get my sex drive up when I had so much emotional stuff going on, we split up after the birth of DD, I was very angry etc. You might think these are all really silly as it is a slightly different situation etc but you never know!

Things that have helped us are being more touchy feely and intimate without having sex, we have baths together and just talk, or read. We go swimming, sauna, steam room etc together. Massage and lots of it, this can very quickly descend into something erotic. Would he have a problem with you finishing yourself off as it were if this did get you (and not him) sexually aroused?

The other thing that really worked for me was very slow burning foreplay and don't get me wrong I know this isn't for everyone but texts/emails throughout the day, packing a note in with my lunch etc so by the time I got home I was really looking forward to seeing him - just because I know how much he loved/wanted me IYKWIM, not about sex at all really.

Oh and kiss, LOTS, at every opportunity in fact. This was without a doubt the best bit of advice I ever received, kissing made me feel loved and sexy."

These are all of the things we did to get our spark back and after a reasonable amount of work and effort (from both of us) it has worked. It was hard though, I have a 7.5 month old and we've been working on gettin us back together for the last three/four months, I've had a young baby, back to work FT etc so it required a big commitment.

I don't think you can expect to have that spark after the breakdown of a relationship in whatever way without proactively encouraging it.

I fancy Dh 99% of the time (been together nearly 10 years). However you will have to work at keeping the spark alive IMO. make sure you have adult time, go out for lunch or whatever you fancy.

Last week we had a child free day (9-3) and I got the papers, nice breakfast and we went back to bed. Just like a ordinary Saturday pre kids. It was bliss!

Also we both dont mind that we each have our own social evening things we do and appreciate you need time on your own too.

Hmm, i think it is essential, in my relationship anyway because we can annoy each other etc, but because we still fancy each other we can 'flirt' our way around the annoyances iykwim.

Thats not to say we don't have rows and that we can't have a laugh together without having to succumb to passion (with a 3 year old running around its nearly impossible anyway).
It definetly helps and I don't know that I would want to be in a relationship without a spark anyway.

I think you would be better off as good friends if its no longer there.
Just my humble opinion.

I do feel it with DP and it's my only relationship that's lasted beyond 2-3 years (now 10 years in...)

Not always of course though - it comes and goes. And it definitely goes if I feel he's being lazy and leaving me to clear stuff up and other mundanities. Those things have a big effect.