I subside your life, I allow you to live, you either do as I say or you fuck off

[onthatmidnighttrain]

Just what you'd expect from the father of your children and partner of 8 years hey? This isn't the first time he's come home drunk and ranted like it but fucking believe me this is the last. If that's what he thinks stuff him and I will get out and make a nicer family for my children before it's too late.

Can you tell I am seething?

He just came and switched the pc off and sneered that the house is always a mess as I spend all day on facebook and shit internet sites. If only. This from the man who is paid a great salary and openly admits him and his colleagues spend half the day reading news and playing stupid games.

I told him to fuck off and never touch me or anything I'm doing again, he walked off yelling that he is paying for the internet connection. There is no reasoning here clearly.

I'm going to have a hot bath and think things through. Straw that broke the camels bank springs to mind.

i would post a thread in the legal section asking where you stand legally with regard to the house if he refuses to leave.

Thankyou almummy, I'd love if you could keep an eye out and give me more advice having gone through the same.

Not doing his ironing isn't an option. Nor is ignoring him, he's taken to calling the house phone from his mobile if I don't respond to him shouting for me (even when I'm in the bath or on the loo!)

I do agree it's time for change , not to sound too Obama like. If I imagine myself here doing the same this time next year I weep, and I've given him chances, bent over backwards to do things to please him and it's not working. I can't do it, and or should I.

And thank you to everyone else who has posted, you are a lovely lot when it comes down to the real shit.

I'm off for my bath now, but will keep you posted.

hows things today?

I'd have his things packed ready for him and the locks changed. Even if he does 'subsidise' your life, you're bringing *his children so he has to support them.

The verbal abuse would be enough for me let alone smashing things when drunk. Supposing it's your face next time?

"I'd have his things packed ready for him and the locks changed."

do not do this as it will only work against you later on if things do go down the legal route.you can't lock someone out of their house no more than he could do it to you if you owned the house. this guy sounds like an absolute dick and if i was you i'd severe any connection apart from those relating to his parental rsponsibility. but i would not get dragged down to his level and become embroiled in any malicious or aggressive acts as many will often advise (e.g. change the locks,cut up shirts/ties etc) as then you are engaging in criminal activity as well and will look just as bad in front of any judge/arbitration. you can not force someone to leave their own house unless they have been physically abusive (and even then i'm not sure how it would work in your case as you are not married)

Ok scrub that then but I'd still want to take steps to protect me and mine. What (legal) steps can she take?

as i say i'm no expert in this issue, i studied law and know people who practice family law and they have told me constantly about the perils of women (who even though they have been completely put upon mentally) who do the classic examples of change the locks/cut up clothes and are then made to pay for it later in court. i.e. a judge is presented with the case and instead of just having her say "he does x/y/z mental abuse" he now has that plus him saying "she locks me out of my own home etc" so now they are just as bad as each other in the eyes of all impartial observers. also he would be legally entitled to either get the police down and force her to allow him entry or he could simply use rewasonable means to gain re-entry i.e. break a window or the door both of which normally lead the woman in question feeling more victimised as such actions will be supported by the authorities.

as far as solid practical advice i would give the only advice that anyone with knowledge of the law should give on a matter where you have such little advice. See a Solicitor ASAP!!! as i've said it's been years since i've studied such law and the fact that they are not married will play a huge part in what she's entitled to. as far as support goes he has no responsibilites to her only to his children as to what she is entitled to from the house that would depend on when it was bought,when they got together,how much she put into it if anything. the argument that her being a SAHM allowed him to work and thus afford the house doesn't really wash anymore when the couple in question are not married as it is seen as a concious decision not to enter into such a co0ntract by both parties.
my main point would be as i said earlier as i'm not qualified to give advice and the points i have made are merely hypotheticals and potential legal arguments,so get yourself to a solicitor and follow all of their practical advice and do not get dragged down into petty malicious arguments which will only paint you in a bad light

I had a similar situation last year - bad relationship, not married, yound ds's - me partime and co owning a huge house, when things started doing down the route you describe I went to a solicitor (qualified for legal aid - just I suspect you will too if you dont work) and started the process of severing our relationship and put the house on the market - do you co own the house? (as in name on mortgage deeds?

I would like to add that its not an easy path, but just over a year on me and my sons our in our home home (which I managed to buy after getting the equity out of the old one, my half of it anyway), totally happy and secure, they still see him (all be it once every two weeks) and I do not have to have any more dealing with him than I choose to. I am so so so much happier as are my two ds's. For me it was the best thing I have done although the scariest getting rid of that dead wood (exdp)

sadly mayorquimby is right on several points. As they are not married, and presumably the house is in his sole name, the OP cannot simply throw him out or lock him out of his own house/change locks. Also, unfortunately, his only legal liability is to the children who he legally has to maintain financially. Under the old CSA rules he would have to pay 20% of his net income (gross less tax, NI and pension contributions) in respect of the children. However, on the 1st November the CSA was replaced by the Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission. Although it is early days, I understand that the new governing body will have much greater enforcement powers than the CSA (who lets face it, were bloody useless) and I also understand that child maintenance will be assessed on a gross rather than net income. Enforcement options could include the removal of passports from non-payers and there will no longer be a need to acquire a liability order from the courts before enforcement action can be taken.
Onthatmidnighttrain, if you have somewhere that you can go with the children then you should think about going. You cannot be treated in that way, it is unacceptable. You need to consider an application to the CMEC (as above) and apply for whatever benefits you can. Although (I assume) 'his' house is in his sole name, if you can demonstrate that you have made significant contributions towards it then you may be able to claim a beneficial interest. However, your first course of action should be to get you and the children away from this vile specimen.
Ref parental responsibility, if the children were born in the last 4 years or so and he is named on the birth certificate, then he will automatically have parental responsibility. This doesn't mean that you automatically have to allow him whatever contact he wants with them, but means that as he has parental responsibility he can make an application to the Court for a Contact Order. However, put yourself and the children first and go somewhere where you feel safe, loved and protected. Good luck x

Midnighttrain hope that you are okay.

mumoverseas - sorry for hijack but is this true about gross income - I will have to look at the new website but does this mean they should pay 20% of gross income?

Thanks hopefully

See a solicitor, go to the CAB and contact Women's Aid: get as much information about yoru rights and legal position as you can. Men like this often tell outright lies to try to frighten the women they are abusing into compliance - 'you can't leave, I will get custody of the DC, you won't get a penny in benefits because you don't work, etc etc'.
Once you have the information, pack a bag and get ready to go. WHen you tell him you are leaving, you may well be in danger as abusive men often escalate immediately to physical violence when their victims take back control or make it clear they are leaving.

i agree- don't confront with kids in the house... take them to friends/family first or leave when he's out.

Probably gonna be single in a minute, Dh gone to bed as fed up at my rants, I never rant full stop. My birthday now and our 10th wedding anniversary and I have just given him what for.....Things couldn't be worse. Yeah, subsides my life, but you know what, Pay for a cook, pay for a cleaner,pay a yadda yadda yadda I'm done.

You've had some good advice on this thread. Do NOT take it.
MN is here for you.
Good luck.

Do not take the shit, not the advice

have oyu left yet?

Limara are you OP?

onthatmidnighttrain, hope you are ok this morning and manage to come to the right decision for you and your children

hauntedcity lover, the information I have received about the new agency is that they will be looking at gross income but I have not yet received any information regarding how they make their assessments, other than they look at gross income rather than net. (think one of the problems with CSA was that they took into account pension contributions and it was not unheard of for the non-resident parent to temporarily increase their pension contributions when assessment being made, then decrease it afterwards!) The CSA used flat rate percentages, namely 15% for 1 child, 20% for 2 and 25% for 3 or more although they did take other factors into account, ie the number of nights the child(ren) stayed with the non-resident parent.
Bear in mind it is very early days for the new agency as they've only been up and running for just over a week. I will however look into it and if I find out anymore information I will post it on here.