Feeling low about my celibate relationship, don't know what to do.

[DontLookNotMe]

Im a regular, name changed for this post, tho I have written about this issue in my relationship before (probably name changed then too, can't recall!)I dont really think there are any answers to my problem but I could do with just off loading a bit since I am feeling quite low about it at the mo... thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.

My DH has no sex drive. At all. Our brief sex life history is one of a shortish flurry of activity when we met, followed by a speedy loss of interest from DH. I kind of stepped up and took the inititative to keep things ticking over a bit, we used to manage to have sex monthly perhaps. I kept thinking things would somehow improve one day. We have a couple of small children now, simply because I just told DH when he had to 'perform' and he obliged. Really clinical.

Then after number 2, I had some post natal issues that put me off sex too....so with me no longer driving the physical relationship agenda we have now not had sex for well over a year. He used to sort of pretend that he did sometimes want it but that this, that or whatever had got in the way of him trying it on, blah blah. But once I stopped mentioning sex, so did he. Completely.

Well, until now that is. A week ago he suddenly said to me, I've got no sex drive have I? I agreed, and suggested he speak to his GP. Do you know what, I really thought hurrah, at last we can sort this out...doc will do some bloods, there will be a reason for it, and normal life can resume. Instead of which he has come home with a prescription for viagra. Perhaps Im wrong, but I thought that was for erection problems? DH doesnt have that, he just has no sex drive. I just cannot see how that will help, in fact the thought of it rather repels me for some reason. I can't help wondering how honest he was with the GP.

Im just really down about it all because I always thought that once DH actually acknowledged there was a problem and went to the GP all would fall into place. But it hasn't. In which case I am having to face up to the fact that I am actually in a long term celibate relationship. I find that thought deeply disturbing since I had wanted to be with DH for life and yet can't get my head around never having a decent sex life again. I could cry tbh.

Im not sure what anyone can say really, just needed to whinge....

Have you spoken to him about what he said at the docs and why he has come home with Viagra?

All I would say DLNM is that your DH has done something to try and help the situation and I think you should acknowledge that.

Some people are cringingly embarassed about explaining personal stuff to GPs., but maybe you suggest to your DH that now he's broken the ice that you should both go to the GP...?

yeah you need to both go.

i agree - having a hard on isn't enough

i am sure it must be achemicle imbalance thing

We did talk about it, tho I do try to keep it all low key on the subject so didnt grill him. He claims to have explained all, but GP apparently said to him that its not uncommon in someone who works hard and has small children, so DH feels clearly now feels vindicated rather than energised to resolve it. Yes, could try the joint trip to GP approach next, hadnt thought of that...

Yes, I was going to say could you both go. Its hard to talk about, more so for men I think. Please don't shout, its just us women are used to discussions re: the pill etc. smear tests, before we even get to giving birth! Men don't really do anything like that till they get to prostate exam age.
The fact that he brought it up (which must have been difficult after so long) and saw the GP is a big step. Perhaps he will be able to take a smaller one and make another visit.

Joint GP or joint counselling. TBH, the problem could be erectile dysfunction, or fear of it. Does he masturbate? Does he get erections when he's asleep? How is his health?

Well NQC the bugger is he is on long term medication for a chronic complaint and he is convinced it is this that is the problem. I have done quite a lot of research on the side effects of his particular medication and there is nothing out there about loss of libido. He also has some kind of convenient memory loss problem and has no idea whether he was horny or not when he was younger (has been on meds 8 years, since before we met.)Doc was more in line with me on this one interestingly, and said it may be a small contributory factor but thats all.

He has never failed to get an erection that I know of, I believe he used to masturbate, dont know at the mo if thats the case...and Im afraid we are in separate rooms so no idea about morning stiffies. He used to. He is other wise well I think.

Thanks for all thoughts etc btw

Are you married to my DH? I'm going mad with sexual frustration.At least your DH has tried to solve the problem, but you're right...I think he needs a testosterone patch/injection which increases libido. My DH on the other hand is living happily in the world of denial..."yes, we do have sex," "yes, I do fancy you" UGH! I've had enough and have started seeing an old friend for just sex. It's wonderful but a bit dangerous I suppose. At this stage, I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life in celibacy though.

Why are you in separate rooms?

I think counselling, together or apart, would be a good idea. This sounds like a psychological issue ...

I think your DH might be helped by seeing a specialist and having his testosterone levels checked- they could be low and this will affect his sex drive- just like low hormones can affect women.

Can he go back to his GP and ask for a referral or at least have some blood tests?

Well, he's got the Viagra - is he showing any inclination actually to take it? Because if part of his problem is that he fears willy-wilt, the Viagra may boost his confidence to the extent that he stops worrying and starts shagging.
But if he just puts the packet of pills in a drawer and forgets about it then you need to push for some couples counselling: give him a couple of weeks and if nothing has happened, say that you think counselling will help you both and explain that, no matter how he feels you are unhappy and therefore the status quo won't do and has to change.

To answer a few questions that arrived after I disappeared earlier: we are in separate rooms because I hate sharing a bed with him when we have no sex life. I find it too frustrating and upsetting that he NEVER rolls over and cuddles me in an up-for-sex way. I told him its because of his hideous snoring, tho owned up in a mutual honesty sort of way when he finally admitted he had no sex drive.

And no, no inclination to take the viagra as yet, a week later, which kind of proves my whole point doesnt it?

The idea of couples counselling just so doesnt appeal...all that 'What was your parents relationship like' stuff is a bit of a drag, and would only manage to make the counsellor suspect Im the loon! His parents are still together after 50 years; mine split after booze and violence issues and went on to marry/divorce half a dozen people each and were generally fairly psychotic!! Hey ho. Guess that will have to be the way. Has anyone done psychosexual counselling? What is it like? I fear I have some negative preconceptions!!

is he physically fit? I recommend intense aerobic exercise. Gets the blood flowing !

Sounds to me like you should both start to talk more. And sharinga bed again would be a good start - making sure that you just cuddle each other, to restore some intimacy, but don't put any pressure on him (or you) for this to turn into a full on sexual encounter.

If he really has no sex drive, he should be taking testosterone, or you should accept that this is HIM, and think of separating if you are that bothered.

Separate beds seems like a bad idea- it's bad enough trying to be spontaneous in the SAME bed, let alone in separate rooms. It must also be a real slap in the face for him, and he must be suffering a high level of low self-esteem, as you have rubbed salt into the wound.

I can't see how counselling could help- if he doesn't feel randy, he doesn't feel randy- and no amount of talking will bring that about. It might help him to sense your frustration, but then he might feel obliged to perform and that would put him under more stress.

I think you can;
take a lover
end your marriage
accept this is him

whatever you do, be wary of growing bitter

From what I know, couples counsellors don't spend their time working out 'who is the loon', and awarding prizes based on that. It's their job to facilitate better understanding and communication, not serve as judge and jury in a 'whose fault is it' trial.

His lack of sex drive may be down to physical issues, it may be down to psychological issues (depression, low self-esteem, etc). The fact that he doesn't want to fix it, the fact that he doesn't show any sign of taking the viagra, indicates to me that it is probably psychological. In which case a couples counsellor, or an individual therapist, may be able to help.

As honestfriend says: it may be that he doesn't want to fix it and is happy to live a celibate life. In this case, though, he has to accept that you are not happy to do so and that you may either end the relationship or seek sex elsewhere.

It's often about hurt feelings isn't it, when you get down to it? Some men seem to crumble sexually unless they feel adored/respected/admired etc. Whereas in real life relationships adoring, respecting and admiring are sometimes in short supply but that doesn't mean you would say no to a shag.

Thanks for all the comments, its really useful to read other peoples take on the situation. So many observations are spot on, it makes me feel a bit of an idiot for having to get strangers to spell it out for me!

And apologies (for want of a better word!) if I came across as pretty flat and unemotional in what I wrote, I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday and it really seems to have come out in how I wrote things. And more apologies for the ramble that is about to follow, Im just writing to clear my head ...dont blame you if you chose not to read it all!!

Update then...well, even when you think you know someone really really well they can surprise you. I was, as you probably noticed, close to giving up on a sex life with DH. I just thought he wasn't going to tackle the issue seriously. But I did decide to bring the subject up again, asked last night about how the viagra had come about given that its for erectile problems. And somehow he/we actually started talking properly, being quite honest about what has happened in our relationship to bring us to this point of celibacy. He has said he will go to see another doctor (since his own doc seems to have got the wrong end of the stick, no pun intended!) and ask for a blood test to check his testosterone levels. And he thinks we should see a counsellor. He is right, and we will.

So what has it all been about? Well, I still don't really know for sure but at least he tried to explain. I think he has felt he can't live up to what he thinks I want and therefore may as well not try. And once you get out of the habit, it is actually really really hard to start again.

And lets face it, the problem we have is not all him....I realised last night just how cold I am to him these days. It comes from 8 years of feeling physically rejected, of resentment towards him about things having got this bad. However he is making tentative steps towards me and I have to be careful not to push him away. But I am scared of getting my hopes up, of letting my sex drive come back, of getting intimate again if ultimately things dont change. I guess I have to stick my neck out and see what happens.

I suppose I ought to go and look up a counsellor then didn't I? Yes, the DCs are still asleep so nice quiet time to do it...here we go then! Deep breath...

I went through a rough patch with my DP and found it difficult to get my sex drive up when I had so much emotional stuff going on, we split up after the birth of DD, I was very angry etc. You might think these are all really silly as it is a slightly different situation etc but you never know!

Things that have helped us are being more touchy feely and intimate without having sex, we have baths together and just talk, or read. We go swimming, sauna, steam room etc together. Massage and lots of it, this can very quickly descend into something erotic. Would he have a problem with you finishing yourself off as it were if this did get you (and not him) sexually aroused?

The other thing that really worked for me was very slow burning foreplay and don't get me wrong I know this isn't for everyone but texts/emails throughout the day, packing a note in with my lunch etc so by the time I got home I was really looking forward to seeing him - just because I know how much he loved/wanted me IYKWIM, not about sex at all really.

Oh and kiss, LOTS, at every opportunity in fact. This was without a doubt the best bit of advice I ever received, kissing made me feel loved and sexy. When you're watching TV, sit next to him, snuggle. If you MN on a laptop do so with your legs over his lap etc.

For me building up all these little bits of contacts made me feel a lot differently. Have you tried doing things like this?

Oh and it's great is taking this seriously, in my experience men find it so hard to go to the doctors about anything, let alone sexual problems. He must really love and respect you and your relationship to do all of these things.

I've a good joke for you about marriage guidance counsellor.

Woman and a man sit in MGC's consulting room and explain, each in turn, all the things that differentiate them. MGC says: "Ok, instead of talking about what separates you, shall we find some things that you do have in common?" The couple sit silently for a while and then man pipes up: "Neither of us gives blow jobs anymore."

Oh, that sounds promising OP. If both of you are prepared to try and improve the situation, it's going to improve to some degree, even if it doesn't happen all at once.
Best of luck.