How can I let go so I can move on?

[Bumblelion]

That heading says it all really.

Brief summary ... was with DH for 18 years, met at 16, got married in 1991, had first child in 1992, had second child in 1997, had affair in 1998/99, was found out and was forgiven (or so I thought), gave marriage another go, had third baby in 2001, husband then decided to leave me after deciding he could never forgive me for the affair after all and the only chance we both have at happiness (excepting the children) is if we separate - totally his choice, not mine - although it did come as a bit of a relief after all the sh*t I went through whilst expecting baby.

He didn't actually move out until September 2002, 9 months after ending our marriage.

I really, honestly, thought it was for the best and decided to just get on with it but as time goes on I find I am getting more and more upset at my situation and just can't seem to forgive myself for ultimately breaking down our marriage (for having the affair) and can't seem to let him go although he has told me he no longer loves me, doesn't want to be with me and is now living with a girl from work.

I really thought I was dealing with it but I find, at times, I feel so jealous and envious of the girl from his work as she now has the one thing I want - him!

I know that I need to move on, but I just can't seem to be able to. There is absolutely no chance of a reconcilation, although I would love there to be.

Would going to Relate help ... would they see me on my own. I feel I need to talk to someone professionally who can help me with my feelings.

I am now a working (part-time), single mother of 3 (aged 10, 6 and 1) and sometimes feel the responsibility is too much. I work at home on Mondays and in the office on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. I feel guilty at the time I spend away from the children but my mum looks after them for me.

Sometimes I feel very angry towards my ex-DH for what he is putting me through, the responsibility of having to look after 3 children, run a house, hold down a job, pay the mortgage, organise the children, etc. and still make sure they have a nice life.

He has the children at my house one night a week (Wednesday night) for a few hours and then overnight one night at the weekend.

When I see him I realise that I do still love him, even after what we have been through and the way he has treated me in the past. The only reason he was horrible towards me was because of what I did to him.

He is not a bad person for leaving me with 3 children, it was the hardest decision he could make and I am happy that he is now happy, I just with I could move on with my life.

Most of the time I sit indoors on my own after the children are in bed thinking about what I have lost and getting myself upset.

My eldest DD turned round to me and said that it would be easier for me if I didn't love her dad and may be if he did love me. She hit the nail on the head.

It is very horrible for me having spent 18 years of my life (more than half) with someone who now doesn't want me and it is very hard for me to see him. There is nothing more I would like for him to give me a hug but I know that is never going to happen.

I really do think I need to sit down with someone and chat to them ... especially if they have been through what I am going through. I thought that once he moved out things would be better, and they are, but that doesn't stop me wishing he was back in my life and we were together.

Because her dad has a new girlfriend, my DD1 keeps telling me she would love me to have a boyfriend but ...

1. I don't want any old man, I want the one I can't have, my husband.

2. Who would even consider looking at me ... I am not looking for a surrogate husband or father but I can't see anyone taking on a woman as a girlfriend who has 3 children.

3. Where would I even find the time.

Forgive me, I am just feeling a bit (lot!) sorry for myself. I will feel better another day.

Bumblelion, I don't believe your DH just doesn't love you any more, it's not like turning off a tap.

Is there any way you can get him to go to Relate with you? I dont know but is Relate like a big meeting of people discussing problems? if so would it not help him to hear of other men/women feeling hurt by an affair? to know he is not alone, and it may help him channel his feelings or anger or hurt.

I hope I haven't made things worse. I would ask him, what else is there to lose? Ask him sometime he is over on his own. Talk to him, don't argue, don't shout. Speak to him now.

Bumblelion ? I feel very sad for you ? but you can't go on blaming yourself for what happened. I think you do need someone to talk to about this so you can move forward. I'm sure Relate do see people on their own ? after all, you still need to find a way of having a relationship with the father of your children, even after the marriage has broken down. Have you had a look at any of the counselling threads? There may be some suggestions there of people to talk to/organisations to contact.
Many of us have made mistakes ? it doesn't make us bad people. But I do think you need to deal with the issues this has thrown up before you can even think about a possible new relationship.
Sorry I can't be more help ? I would like to offer my support, though.

I can't see he would come to Relate with me - he could not see the point of trying to mend something (our marriage) that is already broken beyond repair.

He think he went through so many emotions when he found out about the affair (and I finally confessed all). The only reason I confessed all was because I felt he had a right to know (daft of me, I know) as I felt only by knowing could he finally decide if he wanted to stay with me or not - he eventually decided he didn't. At least he wouldn't have been staying with me under false pretenses (although I would rather that now than being totally alone like I am).

I can't ask him to do anything to help me - I have got myself into this situation all by myself and now have to deal with it - just wish I knew how to.

This relationship sounds over to me - your ex husband has moved on and is enjoying a new freedom. Is he the same age as you - mid 30's. He probably is discovering that life doesn't end at 30 and that being a single hetrosexual 30's man is quite a good position to be in.

You have to move on:

1. Get counselling - not for your marriage but for you. You need to talk about your issues and how you get closure from this relationship.

2. Get some support - more childcare and maybe financial support from your ex husband and go out and have some fun. Its a lot easier to be a single woman these days than when we were teenagers - there are more woman friendly bars. Get in touch with single friends / re-contact ones you have lost touch with / meet new ones and let them know that you need help.

3. You do not need a new serious relationship first you need to rediscover who you are. Sign up for a course on something that interests you, go on a single parent holiday, go dancing.

Probably when you're looking better, feeling better and your ex hears from your kids what you have been up to then your ex will decide he wants you back. But will you still want him ? Probably not..

There are men out there who will take on a woman with three kids - but maybe you will never find him, who knows but you don't lose anything from developing your own life. At least you will have three kids who will be proud of their mum and thats a pretty good start.

oh bumblelion, I remember so clearly the agonies you went through before/during your separation and really feel for you that the pain is still obviously so acute. I had a relationship (6 yr) some years back where I found it incredibly difficult to move on (no kids or marriage, thank goodness to complicate things), the yearning for the man I'd cheated on just ate away at me and stopped me from getting on with anything, not just relationships, even work etc felt a bit in 'slow motion'. the fact that I was the one who strayed made me blame myself, so I was the architect of my own decline! aagghhhh! I don't think there was one magic thing which helped - and I certainly didn't wake up one morning thinking "it's ok today".
I agree with kaz that counselling does help - although I've only done that with my dh (we did one week separately, but can't remember exactly how it went - except we probably ranted a bit more!) and it worked for us. try not to think of the whole thing as one big problem, maybe just look at little goals which are achievable - you deserve some really nice things to happen to you, it's about time .

Bumblelion - I really would repeat what others have said and try counselling, even on your own. I went to Relate after my DH had an affair & left me briefly, we are still together 5 years later, but the most use I got from Relate was in understanding myself and what I wanted from life and how to move forward - it isn't easy, I know from experience, but it certainly helped me a huge amount, both in my marriage, but more importantly, in what I wanted. Wishing you lots of luck. (Please e-mail me if you want to 'talk' more, you have my details from our previous correspondence).

I'm really, really sorry you feel so sad. I can only echo what a lot of people here say - make sure he is paying his way. Feeling under stress financially as well as everything else is very, very disabling and will prevent you being happy. You have a lot of responsibilities esp after all your worries with your youngest. I am sure you find it hard to let your children go to your ex but if he has them for a weekend it will give you a break and maybe let that girlfriend know what she is really taking on (!). Lastly, you seem eaten up with guilt and regret. IMO your affair was not the sole cause of your breakup, even if your dh implies it was. The fact that he was prepared to have another child afterwards then lived with you before starting an affair of his own suggests to me that he may be finding that by blaming you he can ignore his own guilt here (ie about his own infidelity and breaking up a family) by piling it all on you - as well as using it as an excuse for behaving in a very hurtful way to you. I'm not saying he is an entirely bad person but I do suspect he is at least deluding himself about his role in this breakup and making you feel awful in the process. Relate will definitely see you on your own and will charge according to your means, so do please give them a call. I sense you need to talk about this face to face with someone impartial and trained. I think you have been absolutely heroic through all this and wish you all the best.
BTW agree you are not ready for a new relationship, but far unlikelier things have happened than a lovely, caring mother of three finding love again. You are still young!

Nothing more to add Bumblelion except that I do really feel for you. Forget about a new relationship yet, I waited 5 years before I felt ready for a new one without any hang-ups. Also, know of a bloke who 'took on' (wrong phrase) a woman 10 years older with 4 kids. They do exist.

Not to be boring, but I want to restate what Aloha and Sobernow just said: your husband is using your affair as an excuse. I feel very sure of that. You have enough people encouraging you to let go of the guilt--so please try to.

To take on another of your points, I refuse to believe that no man would consider having a girlfriend with 3 children. I can think of 2 exceptions immediately. One of my closest friends (single, free of "baggage" ) was dumped in favour of a mother of 3. He married the mother of 3. And I have a friend in London with 3 children who left her husband, and she has been successfully dating for some time.

And to address another point: I imagine you had your affair because your husband wasn't giving you something you needed. And I imagine you confessed not only because you felt he had a right to know, but because at some level you knew he wasn't right for you and maybe you even hoped that he would leave you. I'm not saying these were conscious thoughts. But it seems to me that he must not have been entirely good for you. And I think you want him back not because he's good for you, but because he's no longer available. And because it's hard to be on your own with 3 children.

About finding the time. You must try to get some babysitting in the evenings, or something, so that you can get out into the world. I realize that many of us have financial constraints, but it seems to me that this is a priority, and something you should allow yourself.

I think the ability to move on will come when you're ready. It's possible to know, intellectually, exactly what you need to do to move on, but at the same time be unable act on those things until much later.

Like the others, I really sympathise. Good luck.

Bumblelion I started posting almost exatly what Aloha has said before reading everything else. You should start to feel more angry with DH for leaving you and less guilty at yourself for having an affair.
Why is it that when women have affairs they are terrible people, and yet when a man has an affair the wife is made to feel like she is in some way deficient and caused him to stray?
You realy do need to stop eing so hard on yourself. So you have a friend who's opinion you really trust who can sit you down and remind you what a wonderful person you really are? A counseller could also help you to remeber this.

Thank you all so much for your kind and lovely comments. Will try to answer/comment on as much as possible.

I know I am wasting lots of time and energy on feeling sorry for myself and not getting on with my life. Last night (when he came round to look after the children), he threatened to tell my eldest DD1 that the reason he had left home was because of my affair when I have told her that the reason is just because mummy and daddy no longer love each other and no longer make each happy (although she might find this hard to understand as I keep getting upset - although I try not to in front of her). I visited a friend for a coffee and was really worried about whether he would mention this to my DD1. When I got indoors and he left to go home, I text him on his mobile saying that I hoped he wouldn't tell her - not because I am trying to save face in front of her but because a 10 year old doesn't need the know all the gory details. All she needs to know is that me and her dad still love her (and the other two) but that we just can't be happy together. He then rang me and told me to f*ck off, leave him alone and let him get on with his life. He said that he would never tell the children about what I did - not because he has any feelings of compassion towards me or cares what I feel but he couldn't do that to the children. I am glad he is not going to tell them because I did feel it was a weapon he had (or still has) that he could use to totally ruin my relationship with my DD1. I had to put the phone down on him as I started crying but then I felt so angry towards him and then angry towards myself for feeling so upset. What is so special about him that he makes me feel this way. I can see perhaps he gets angry that I ring him (or text him) on the odd occasion, but this is only when I feel I need to tell him things of importance (like when my DD2 eventually got her appointment through for Great Ormond Street) - but he makes me feel that I am taking up valuable time. I really am better off without him, I do know that, my head tells me so but unfortunately my heart doesn't.

Thank you for all your kind comments. I keep posting on her (have done since I was about 7 months pregnant with DD2 - she is now 16 months) and my whole life's up and downs have been written about - from the relief I felt when he finally told me our marriage was over to the guilt/unhappiness I feel now.

Perhaps deep down I don't really want him - it is only because I can't have him (like expatkat says) - you always seem to want something more when you know you can't have it.

As has been said before, you really need to get some counselling, it will give you some self confidence to stand up to him, when he tries to use your guilt to inflict pain on you.He's still using it as a weapon.
As for contacting him about the children, he needs to be informed as their parent. He may not be your DH anymore but he is their father, and should be pulling his weight.
My DH would be very upset, if his ex didn't inform him of important matters, concerning his DD. When there are hospital appointments to attend, he takes time off to go with them, never mind being told later !!!!
Has also got up in the night to run them to the on call doctor, a couple of times.
His resonsibility to his children did not end when he left !!!!

Hear, hear Jac34.
Bumblelion ? from what you say, it sounds as though your ex is using emotional blackmail to hurt you. How dare he threaten to tell your daughter something she wouldn't be able to understand properly anyway? He should know that his unreasonable behaviour towards you will inevitably have a detrimental effect on the children anyway ? he can't just abdicate responsibility like this, or worse, use the children as bargaining tools.
I think you need to speak to someone impartial and non-judgemental ? counselling is not about apportioning blame, but finding a way of moving forward in the best way for everyone involved ? including the children. They need to have a relationship with their father, and that means having a respectful relationship with their mother, too.

Sorry, meant to say "that means HIM having a respectful relationship with their mother, too".

He sounds like a very angry person to me - to use your affair as a potential weapon to use against you when it comes to kids is a terrible thing to do, and totally unacceptable. He would only be gratifying his own desire for revenge, and would do your children a lot of harm emotionally. If I was you I would make it very clear to him that you will not tolerate this kind of crap. It just sounds as if he has a LOT of issues that he hasn't dealt with. If he is now in this new happy relationship, why is he still so angry?

My bf's -ex often calls and texts about seemingly trival issues, which does become annoyingly intrusive in our lives. She does have a new bloke in her life, but often I feel that altough she isn't in love with my bf anymore, she still somehow feels like they are still a couple when it come to the kids. I wonder if you are still clinging to that feeling of being part of a couple, when it is obvious that you are not. If this is the case you'll need to change this way of thinking about you and him.

As someone else said, September was not that long ago, so it is not unusual that you are still struggling to come to terms with the end of a long relationship. And so it makes sense that neither has he.

Good luck, and do try and go for counselling. Talking really does help.

I would just like him to give me a little bit of respect, even after what I did to him in the past, I am still the mother of his children, doing a bl**dy good job of bringing them up single-handedly with no support from him emotionally and I just wish he would respect my feelings a bit more. Perhaps I am still clinging to the fact that we were together a long time, had 3 children, etc. but I don't interefere in his personal life unless it involves the children. I NEVER call him at the weekend when I know he is alone with his girlfriend, or in the evenings. I admit I do ring him sometimes at work (where she also works), but that is only if it is of some importance that can't wait.

I think he is still angry with me and that is why he is horrible to me. Although it doesn't come across, he is a decent person but I just think he wants me off his case totally, although that is not going to happen because of the children.

I really feel that I could have moved on a lot more easily if there were no children involved, although saying that I would not be without any of them. My life would be so empty and meaningless - they mean the world to me. When I say that I could have moved on more easily, it is because once the relationship/marriage was over, there would be no connection between us at all but, because of the children, there always will be.

The last thing I want is for my children to be damaged, feel guilty, feel responsible for what has happened. I just want them to be happy, safe and secure but a good friend of mine has said that involves them seeing me being happy. Positive thinking now. Just because ex-DH no longer loves me and doesn't want to be with me, it doesn't make me an unworthwhile, nasty, unlovable person - I can and will be happy in the future.

It sounds as if you are doing a great job with your kids, and you should be very proud, as being a single mum must be bloody hard work at the best of times, let alone when you are feeling quite low. The past is the past, and it's time he just got on with his life, but has to be realistic enough that as mother of his kids you will always be part of his life - whether he likes it or not, and it really doesn't sound as if you are being at all unreasonble in the amount of contact you have with him.
Decent guy he may be, but he's really being jerk when it comes to the way he treats you. I hope he doesn't put you down and all that kind of stuff in front of the kids.

I think he is angry with you because he feels guilty about breaking up his family and wants someone else to blame. It's textbook behaviour. You can't 'make' him respect you - you can't control anyone but yourself. That isn't meant to sound harsh at all, what I am trying to say is, you have to respect yourself so that other people's opinions don't count. You have so much respect from all the people here, if it helps, but truly it must come from inside you. Please call Relate and make an appointment. Your dh can have the children when you go.