Who is right about what I should do?

[electra]

I've posted about my unexpected pregnancy before - and the strange circumstances of it, but wanted to know your views on the situation.

I'm 16 weeks now and finally feeling accepting that I'm going to have a baby and trying to be positive about it. I think for me, termination would have been the wrong decision.

Anyway - the baby's father is not in the country now. We had quite an intense relationship and he still seems to want to keep in touch. But he doesn't speak English very well (at all!) and is only 21 (he lied about his age). Before he left he asked me if I could imagine a future with him, but obviously given the circumstances there is no way that I would ever consider that! He also smokes weed all the time. When I met him I was probably not in 'choose a suitable partner' mode but this year I have had a lot of problems with my mental health and at times like that, my judgement is poor.

My parents want me to stop talking to him altogether - they are worried about the possibility of him coming back and are horrified at the prospect of that (they also want me to give the child up for adoption but that's another story...) I have friends who take the same view as this but others who say that I should keep in contact with him because he is the child's father, and even though he is young and a bit irresponsible he might not always be in the future.

However, he knows I am pregnant but never talks directly about it. He seems terrified by the situation. It's as if he wants to imagine my life is the same now as when I was with him (before I ended up pregnant)

Sorry this is so long -- what I want to know is would you keep in contact or would I be better to cut all ties with him? I have male friends who say they would at least be asking me how I was going to manage and what I would do etc...

You should keep in contact with him, he is the father and he has a right to be in the childs life, if thats what he wants, so unless he tells you not to keep in contact with him, i think you should.

Yes VT, that was kind of my instinct too. But my parents put a lot of pressure on me about it.

i would keep in contact send pics etc but i wouldnt go out of my way calling etc he has rirght to be involved in his childs life if he dissapears or stops contact i would send one final letter and pic and say he has your address etc if he ever wants to contact child

at least you would of then done all you could and would have nothing to regret in years to come

you will regret it in years to come if you dont keep in touch. when dc asks about their father it's good to know an answer. the unknown is hard for a dc of any age to come to terms with. even is dc is an adult before they take an interest, it will be hard for you to watch them struggling to come to terms with the fact that they may never know about their biological father.

not your parent's decision. they want life to go back to what it was, and it never will. do what you feel is right.

Electra why do your parents want you to put the baby up for adoption? your 28 yrs old and you already have children? plus you must have been a single parent before you got pregnant so its not like its something you cant cope with, i cant understand why they would want that

Yes, VT I know - they think I won't be able to cope with three children. However, I know that the real reason behind it is more snobbery about the father, and their concern about what others think (they are not liberal minded and tend to be rather emotively driven). My mother said to me this evening - 'X thinks you should not keep the baby' (this person is an aunt who I see probably once a year...)

Poor you, it must be doubly hard not to have the support of your parents, i can relate to you situation as my ds2 was the result of a short relationship and i was certainly not in 'choose a suitable partner' mode at the time either, however my parents were so so supportive, so i really feel for you, but you will cope i am sure and like i said earlier, you should keep in touch with the father for the sake of your child.

fwiw my sons father was in total sock when i told him, and didnt contact me again thoughout my whole pg, he finally plucked up the courage to come and meet ds when he was 3 months old, ds is 2 now and they have a lovely relationship, ds adores him, although he is still very crap at supporting me and is very non commital about being a parent.

Obviously it is different for you with the father being in another country, but still, he has a right to be a father, however far away he is, please dont listen to your parents and good luck with your pg, you will get lots of support from us MNers

Thanks for your kind words, VT I'm glad, too that your situation has turned out happily for your ds. Your comments have helped me to get this in perspective so I'm very grateful for that. I think I will be able to cope fine but my relationship with my parents is strange and complex to say the least. Anyway, thanks again xx