It's hard to put this in writing, though I think about it constantly.
I've been with my partner for 10 years (since 18) and he is my first and only love. We were planning to start a family but I miscarried (at 4 weeks) in June, hence my MN membership.
Throughout our relationship I've swung from feeling totally sure to deeply doubtful. Now I'm really at crunch point and I'm asking myself whether I should leave.
In a highly simplified nutshell, here are the two sides, if you like.
On the one hand:
He is very caring and affectionate, most of the time. Physically and emotionally, we have always been loving.
He looks after me and I can rely on him.
We want the same things from life.
We are "in tune" domestically- it doesn't sound very romantic, but if you've been in a long term relationship, you know it's important (we both enjoy creating and maintaining a nice home, never argue about money etc)
He's very supportive of me in terms of my career and believes in me and my talents.
Things are good in the bedroom and he's an attractive man
We have a lovely and comfortable life- a good social life, we do interesting things, love trying new restaurants etc.
He's frequently energetic, excited about life and fun to be around.
Our political/moral ideas and values are largely well-matched- very important to me.
He's trustworthy and faithful, as am I.
He adores me and believes me to be wonderful/sexy etc- more than I really am.
We have supported each other through some horribly tough experiences.
I love him and we know each other completely.
BUT:
He can be bossy and particular about the way things are done, which manifests itself in being critical at times.
He can be negative and sullen when he's in a bad mood(not particularly towards me, but towards the world in general)
Socially he is not at ease like I am- sometimes his sullen behaviour occurs when we are with friends- this includes being a bit scathing with me in public sometimes- which I find mortifying. We share friends, but he can be socially awkward.
I can think of people with whom I "get along" better- not in a romantic way but in terms of sense of humour etc. Is there someone out there with whom I would "just click", "just know" etc? (I'm a cautious over-thinker so have never been able to "get" this- but I gather it just happens...)
I spoke to a (male) friend who said he is just "a man", re the moodiness etc. But I don't see this behaviour in my friend's partners. Everything seems so perfect in their relationships.
I don't feel as though the miscarriage has brought about these strong feelings- though I can't understand how I can have been so sure of our relationship just a few months ago that I was ready to have children with him, and now I'm on the verge- literally on the verge- of ending it, though the thought is terrifying.
I have to confess that the fact that I am 29 is clouding things slightly for me. I definitely want children and I worry that if I ended it, I wouldn't find another man to share this with before it was too late.
The problem is, I don't know what a relationship with anyone else would be like, as I've only known this one. Are doubts part and parcel of a LTR, or should I feel totally sure?
I know I should follow my heart, but my heart does not truly know what it wants. And I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I just can't talk to anyone in real life about this and I'm so confused.