found out dp has got himself in serious gambling debt

[elmoandella]

dp has gotten himself in some serious gambling problem. his brother is now following him every night to make sure he isn't going anymore

whenever i complained he just insisted i was moaning.

he's refusing to talk to me.
in complete denial. i cant live with him any longer he's being so horrible to me and dc i have to get out for their sakes. found out he's been addicted for years. fist wife had to take everything over in her name and seperate before they lost business houses and all.

he refuses he has a problem.

only thing he says when i try to talk to him is that

"you wont leave me" and "there's no guarantees in life" when i ask if he'll never gamble everything away again.

i feel really shit leaving him at a time like this but i have to for dc. they are 1yo and 2yo. if i go now they will never even remember a time when we lived with dp. but if i wait a few years down the line it will upset them and their schooling to leav or be evicted from our home.

i've applied for income support as he refuses to discuss financial arrangements and i'm viewing houses to rent tomorrow. got an appointment next friday to see a solicitor to arrange finincial agreement. then hopefully i will be able to go back to work once i get us somewhere to live sorted.

dont know what i'm expecting from this post. has anyone been in similar situation?

i've used all my saving paying things as he oftens spends the money at casino.
his family all knew he had this problem and no one ever mentionned to me.

Good luck - wish the strength to do what you know is the right thing

i still have feeling for him. but i cant imagine how much harder it will be in another 5 yrs time when kids are older.

his family will not be too pleased. they think i should stand by him. but i dont see the point if he wont even talk to me.

his sis even called to say i should try and make a "happy home" for him to come home to??

even though i've put up with months of him spending 5 nights a week out till 7am. and he works 9am till midnight.

i feel like screaming at them.

You are doing right by getting out now. It won't do any children any favours to be seeing all this in their lives.

You may love him but this man loves gambling more and will be forever dependent on it.

His own family members have facilitated the problem by becoming his enablers (other people enabling is common with addictive behaviour). You cannot enable someone in this situation, you have to save your own self. You cannot save someone or rescue someone who does not want to be saved.

aparently his first wife kept taking him back for 15 yrs before she had enough.

his family take control everytime and take his money off him till banks get in green again and force him to stay away from casinos by following him everynight.

i dont see this as actual helping the problem either.

as he's not doing it by his own will.

he's got himself in a ridiculous financial state . but still tells everyone that there's no problem.

the sad thing is i cant trust him with kids as he doesn't sleep when he's like this. and i'll be lucky if he washes twice a week after several hints that he stink (of course this isn't helping make a "happy home")

i've left him to watch kids overnight recently. and i came back. kids were manky. been eating the night befores pizza for dinner. and he was asleep on sofe as they were smashing my ornamental rocks from gas fireplace into rug.

His family aren't helping the situation at all, they're just enabling him by shielding him from the consequences of his actions. You cannot afford to enable him either.

You cannot help anyone with a gambling addiction until the person starts to admit to themselves they have a problem and often they do not. His ex wife made mistakes with taking him back, you cannot afford to repeat the same mistake.

Your may want to talk with Gamcare and or Gamblers Anonymous, you need real life support as well.

Infact you cannot help a person with a gambling addiction, they have to want to seek help for their own selves. No one can make them seek help or facilitate help for them.

Gamanon help family members of problem gamblers:-

www.gamanon.org.uk

I would urge you to call them, you need support too.

i might call them when i feel more up to it. talking about it just now only end in tears.

really sorry to hear this, sounds like you are better off making a life for you and the dCs away from him. if he has had this problem before and his first marriage broke up due to it, and the family enable it, there is not a lot you cna do

when i spoke to his grown son about it he just said "he's my dad i would always give him money/place to stay/xyz if he asked as they cant see him suffer"

most of his family are the same. they cant bear the sob stories and bail him out. as far as i can see his never going to change. perhaps the me leaving him might have an affect. i know when he was thrown out his wife's she always fed/watered and cleaned up for him everytime he came to visit dc.

there's no way he'll get that kind of soft treatment from me.

i've listened to his complaints about house being a mess (2 toddler ) and dc making too much noise to even entertain him. if he wants to see dc he can take them to this house i'll be leaving and give me a break to get on with things and get back to work.

well, that is his son;s choice

giving someone money time and time again to piss up the wall is not helping that person tackle the addiction

you don;t have to enable him to do so, especially when his spending has had a negative and horrible impact on your family life

if he is suffering, it is his own actions that have brought him to that

but i know he's going to blame his suffering on me leaving. as nothing is ever his fault.

i wonder if there's any way to make him ever see sense that its his actions and gambling thats caused me to leave.

i dont think he ever will. so unless i can find a way of making that happen i'm staring (and talking) to a brick wall. and i dont face years and years more of this. surely it will be eaier being a single parent than dealing with this.

"but i know he's going to blame his suffering on me leaving. as nothing is ever his fault".

Its never their fault is it?. Typical addictive behaviour this to blame others for their misfortune and its not your fault, you are not responsible for his actions. He's also in denial re the extent of his problem, he will not change his ways whilst his mindset is like this.

"i wonder if there's any way to make him ever see sense that its his actions and gambling thats caused me to leave".

No you will never make him see sense. The only thing you can do is save your own self and any children you have. They do not need to continually be witness to this, it will emotionally harm them not just to say you.

"I dont think he ever will. sad so unless i can find a way of making that happen i'm staring (and talking) to a brick wall. and i dont face years and years more of this. surely it will be eaier being a single parent than dealing with this".

Absolutely. You are only responsible for your own self and any children you have.

As lulumama rightly pointed out his first marriage broke up due to this and his family members enable him. They are doing no-one a favour here by enabling this, bailing such a person out only shields that person from the consequences of their actions. He will ruin them as well, if he has not done so already.

Do call Gamanon when you're feeling able to. They've heard this type of scenario many times before, besides which you need real life support.

thank all.

i'm feeling a bit less selfish about choosing to leave.