Childcare GP vs Nursery

[Wigglesworth]

Its a way off but I go back to work next April after having DS. Am hoping to work 4 days a week and have a day off to spend with DS. Myself and DH have discussed childcare at length and agree that we would like DS to go to nursery 3 days a week and with my Mum 1 day a week. Trouble is I think my Mum is under the impression that she will be looking after him all the time, which is something we defo don't want. I know we are lucky to have someone who is so willing to help us out and stuff but I just don't feel like she has the same views on parenting as we do. I feel like she doesn't listen to me and I reckon she will undermine me ie. letting DS get away with murder and letting him get his own way all the time. I feel like her and my Dad don't listen to me and have a hard time accepting that I am in fact his mother. She is already talking to him about giving him sweets and chocs (he is 14 weeks old for gods sake!). We also don't want her to be spending more time with him than we do.
She used to look after my Nan who has recently (last week) gone into a home so she now has nothing to do all day. They said Nan was put into a home cos my Mum couldn't look after her anymore and my uncle who lived with her had started being mean to her. Last night her and my Dad said we will have to have a chat about what you want to do when you go back to work. It just seems a little coincidental that the minute my Nan goes into care that they start questioning what I am doing about childcare. I am a little concerned that Nan has been put in a home cos my Mum is preparing for operation take care of grandson whilst Mummy is at work.
The subject was touched on very briefly when I was pregnant and I told them DS would be going to nursery for a few days a week and the response I got was "it's cruel to put a baby in nursery" and "we have seen programmes about nurseries and mistreating kids" and "we don't like the idea of you putting him in nursery". I know that really it has bugger all to do with them what we do with DS childcare and if push came to shove we could put DS in nursery all the time, I just wanted some advice on how to approach the subject. They are very dismissive and I don't think they will listen to the reasons for us choosing nursery over my Mum looking after him, they are very valid ones but some they may find a bit offensive to them.
Sorry this is a long one but any advice would be good, I rally don't want to fall out with them about this but I think it could be on the cards.

stick to your guns - why should you fall out with them? Your child, your choice

there are so many threads on MN, where family members are looking after GC and it invariably ends in tears

my DS is in a fabulous nursery and is very happy there

Agree with Ruby. Nursery care is generally fab.

My mum is on call for illness and that is a huge burden off my shoulders.

Could you suggest that she picks ds up early on certain days of the week and has a few hours with him before you get home. That way noone is committed but she can have a little time with him. Also how about a promise of a babysitting commitment - that could come in very handy.

have you considered the cost of nursery?
my dm has always had mine but initially just 1 day, her choice, she was busy working, currently volunteering. but still busy with her life. as she should be.

personally i think one or two days would be enough for you, your mum, your ds and your sanity. it is a minefield.

She could pick him up early from nursery but she is so against nurseries that she would probably pick him up an hour after we had dropped him off. I am not really keen on her spending loads of time with him cos she is the type of person who would say stuff like "oh he really likes it when you do this" (trying to tell me what my own son likes) and "oh you did xxx for nanny but you won't do it for Mummy" and "cruel Mummy to put you in nursery when you want to be with your Nanny", just to piss me off!
I know nursery is expensive and having her look after him 1 day a week would save us over £120 per month but TBH I would rather spend a bit more cash. She really winds my DH up too without knowing it and the last thing I want is tension between us.

I had a similar scenario with my MIL (although she lives far enough away not to look after DD while I'm at work) and I realised that she had no idea what a modern nursery is, she thought I was going to leave DD in a playgroup-type environment in a church hall!

Would it be an idea to talk them through what nursery will provide, how they are OFSTED inspected, how many staff there are to how few babies, and even take them to visit the nursery? I must admit that I have never done this with my MIL for various reasons, but I have shown her my DD's daily and year-end reports, artwork, the foundation level stuff etc etc.

Stick to your guns. My daughter LOVES nursery, it has been an entirely positive experience for the whole family. Good luck

I feel nursery would be great for DS, they have time to spend with them letting them paint and bake and generally have loads of fun with other kids which he would not get with my Mum. DS doesn't have any cousins or siblings etc so doesn't get chance to mix with other babies.
My Mum worked in a nursery for a month, the nursery has a bad rep and is in a really rough area and the staff are young kids who are from that rough area. She said they were mean to the kids and it stressed her out so much she left. TBH my Mum indirectly through DS calls me cruel for strapping my DS into his car seat (he really hates it and has a paddy), comments like "oh cruel Mummy he doesn't want to be in his car seat". Therefore I can imagine her exaggerating a bit, but this nursery is shit. That is part of her reason for not liking them much.

"cruel Mummy"?????

Angelene I know right, this is what I am dealing with. I wonder if I didn't strap him in and drove off with him like that what she would say (not actually going to!).

Oh yeah forgot to mention my 30 odd year old brother still lives with them and is a smoker. Doesn't smoke in the house but still.

Stick to your guns wigglesworth. It sounds to me like the nursery environment will be the 'healthier' one for your little boy.
Your mother wants to have your little boy to meet her own needs.

You have my undying admiration for not telling her to belt up - that's really out of order.

Smithfield, that's exactly what it is, do you think she is using emotional blackmail here? Trying to make me feel like crap, she never says what a good job me and DH are doing. At first she tried to offer her "help" but her brand of help is trying to take over and tell me how to do it, therefore never asked for her help. TBH would have stressed me out more. DH thinks she is trying to bring me down cos she is bitter that I haven't needed her and managed to cope. My DH works away most of the week (back for long weekends) but when is here is a great dad and fantastic support for me.
I do think she wants to help but doesn't know how to take a step back.

Do you think I can get through this without offending her or is it going to be inevitable!

try not to offend her, particularly as you do plan to use her child care services .. just think of some excuse, and say no more on the matter.

Wigglesworth - She sounds like she just doesnt have much consideration or awareness of anyone else but herself tbh.
She is not thinking of what is best for you or your son. She is used to being at the centre of things and probably frustrated she can not be at the centre of your little family.
Im afraid you will have to be strong. She will be offended however you approach this (I suspect). Dont focuss on her but on you and your LO. Keep your boundaries strong.
You are his mother and you 'instinctively' know what is best for him.

This sounds like my MIL abit- always has to be in control somehow. I remember with DD1 feeling THIS IS MY BABY, MINE, NOT YOURS and i just had to stand my ground. What I always had to remind myself was that if she didn't bend to my way of doing things then it would be her loss (ie the more of a pain she was,the less we saw of her, therefore the less time she spent with her granddaughter). Yes it took a lot of upset but you have to grow a thick skin - the very fact that you are worried about it and thinking it through means you are good parents. Stand your ground and follow your own instincts.

Thanks sparkly lucy, I do feel like I can't be arsed to go and see them cos of this. I don't ask her round here cos I wouldn't get rid. I go round to their house for tea a couple of times a week when DH away. I still get the we don't get to see him often enough bit though, told indirectly through DS eg "oh we haven't seen you for nearly a week". My DH's parents live 150 miles away and see him less than once a month so I think twice a week is plenty.
I do feel like you say MY BABY, MINE, NOT YOURS.

There is definately a time when one generation has to step back and allow the next to do their thing - you must stick to your guns ( and it will probably happen to you one day) Children force you to live in the present and being a new mum is your 'present' not hers. Her 'present' is being a grandmother, that is a supporting role, not a lead role. Keep with what you are doing - what can she do? My MIL knows when she has overstepped the mark as she doesn't see us for a while. She soon comes crawling back. (I have tried talking about it by the way but she just tells me I am ridiculous)

My two go to nursery 3 days, me one day, grandma one day.
My mum is fab though I have no complaints about anything she does.
However, having heard lots of other mums wondering the same things as you, here are some points you could put to her about her looking after the child full time, which my friend's mums or mils started to consider - then realised that having the child practically full time wouldn't really work.

1. You need the childcare because you are working, and you need it to be 100% reliable and open all year, thats why you are choosing nursery over childminder (or why I did anyway!).

Your mother will want holidays, will be sick sometimes, want days to do stuff which might not be suitable to take a small child along. What will you do on those days as you won't have enough holidays. Put it to her that whilst she might have been able to leave nan in the house or unattended and do other things, she won't be able to do that with a small child and stress that YOU DON'T WANT TO RESTRICT HER life so much - ie you'll be doing HER a favour using the nursery.

Can she commit to 4 days all year round and have her holidays when you have holidays (oooo maybe she'll suggest coming with you eeek).

1. You would prefer your child to have a fun relationship with grannie and have one nice day together when she can be committed to her and can find lots of fun things to do.

1. You want the child to socialise with other children and make friends, that will happen much more easily at nursery, even if granny finds a playgroup to go to each day.

1. Keep repeating to her how great it is that she is going to help out part of the time and save you 25% of the nursery fees - as though attendance at nursery is already decided but her contribution will help you out.

1. Bear in mind that if she's anything like my friends' mum, you won't get out of there for ages after you go to pick up dd! With a nursery you can just run in and out and get home at a decent time.

You need to approach any talks about it by starting with the positive ie that she is looking after ds part of the time. THEN try and word the bits about the nusery as positively as you can whilst being as negative as you can about the restrictions she will face having a small child along all the time.

I agree with the advice you've been given so far and I don't think you should let her manipulate you, but would like to say one thing. If the only nursery she has experienced was a bad one then maybe it's not surprising that she thinks they're all like that. I'm an NNEB and have worked in some truly amazing nurseries, but also some really horrible ones, with dreadful staff who obviously had no idea of the needs and expectations of looking after small children. Bad nurseries are truly depressing places, but good nurseries are just the opposite. If you have chosen a nursery for your son, maybe you could take her along for look around - if she saw it first hand she might start to change her opinion.

Thanks Fliberty very good advice there. When I question some of her nasty sarky remarks she thinks that she can redeem herself by following it with "I'm only joking don't be so touchy", which makes me look like a soft cow. Nice eh!

wigglesworth, my tuppenceworth is that you shouldn't expect even a day a week necessarily to be smooth (though of course settling into nursery isn't always painless either). I get on really well with my mother, and she has had DS for a day a week since he was 11 months, and TBH in the beginning I really wondered if we were doing the right thing. She still often does stuff with him that I wouldn't which ends up leaving him exhausted/bored/hungry in a completely predictable way, simply because she forgets that small children really need their meals and sleeps when they need them! That said, on the whole it's been really wonderful, and I'm hugely grateful to her for looking after him: it's nice for him to be in his own hom (she comes here - could your mum do the same?), and she plays with him with endless patience and love.
So for me the irritations and worries are hugely outweighed by the fact that she is so lovely with him, and is supportive of me too (and tries very hard - she never means to leave him tired/hungry etc.) BUT in your case it sounds as if the balance might be different.
Oh, I'd also say that my mother does find it really tiring, and it is very restrictive to have a firm commitment even for a day a week - I'd really really think hard about her doing more than a day, and perhaps even that you could make two afternoons or something?
And as people said, having someone who can look after your DS when he's ill will be WONDERFUL!
Sorry for the essay...

Hi Wigglesworth, don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do. It's your mum, you can stand up to her. It's harder with the ILs! Ha ha. My PILs offered to do childcare for DS on the proviso that he stays with them for part of the week. There is no way I am timesharing my LO! Also, we clashed with them badly over our parenting styles in the beginning BUT I have to say that after a shaky start with my ILs, they have now learned to respect the way we do stuff. You will also find that as your LO gets older, you will relax more as a lot of the things that matter in the beginning don't matter anymore (we clashed on weaning, naps etc) but at LO's age (8.5 months), he's already weaned, eating and drinking well, and has a little nap routine etc so we hardly clash now. Our DS is going to part nursery and part CM and I told MIL today that though we appreciate the offer of childcare, we couldn't bear the thought of him being away from us so much at night and also that it puts too much stress on FIL to drive him to and fro. She was actually fine with it. She is welcome to come and see him anytime and I am sure there will be days where I will need emergency CC and she will be happy to step in. GL!

Meant to say as well that you should explore all options. I was adamant that DS was going to a nursery. When I started talking to other mums, I started to change the way I feel and started looking at CMs as well. DS will be going to nursery for 1.5 days (it's lovely and those were the only days we could get) and CM for 2 days (who comes really highly recommended and I think DS would love it with her!). Not quite what I envisioned but I am hoping it will work out well. Also, as your DS gets older, you will start to see more and more of his personality and it might shape your decision-making as well. My DS gets bored sitting round at home and is always on the go so I think the change of scenery for him will do him good!

Meant to say as well that you should explore all options. I was adamant that DS was going to a nursery. When I started talking to other mums, I started to change the way I feel and started looking at CMs as well. DS will be going to nursery for 1.5 days (it's lovely and those were the only days we could get) and CM for 2 days (who comes really highly recommended and I think DS would love it with her!). Not quite what I envisioned but I am hoping it will work out well. Also, as your DS gets older, you will start to see more and more of his personality and it might shape your decision-making as well. My DS gets bored sitting round at home and is always on the go so I think the change of scenery for him will do him good!