Im a homebody, my hb is the life and soul of the party-how do we compromise?

[beanie35]

I am 35yr with a dd. I have never been very socialable, although I enjoy going to work and am always friendly to people. I love spending time at home just with family and dread meeting new people, especially in a busy pub/party environment. My hb and I have been together 8yrs, but due to my hb's job we have spent long periods of time living apart. Now my hb is not away anymore and the difference in our sociability is causing huge probs. It's become so bad that I think he might even leave me, I just don't enjoy going out with other groups/couples. I nearly always feel bored, and although I pretend im happy, I can't wait to go home. Does anyone else feel like this? Hb says im abnormal and that my attitude is making him miserable. I know he has a point, but I wish he could be content with just the 3 of us. What do I do?

umm, I don't like going-out as such. I like spending time with close friends but have been quite happy with my own and my partner's company for the last 16 years.
Unfortunately he left in the spring and I now need to get out more, and am going to find it very difficult.
Can you arrange things that you would be happier doing, find some shared interests that you can do together?

hb's argument is that we should do things together, but also involve other people too. I have told him to go out with friends without me, but this just annoyed him

does he understand that you don't enjoy it?
Can you come to a compromise where you do things you want to some of the time and see friends other times.
Is it the friends that are a problem, are there otehr friends you would be happier with?
(btw - whats hb?)

rofl at sneak off to the toilet with a book....

sorry hb=husband. No the friends aren't a problem as such, they are nice enough. Im just at a stage in my life when Im fed up with having to pretend to find people interesting, when they're boring me to tears, or pretending to like sitting in a noisy/crowded place when I'd be much happier doing something quieter/more relaxed. God, I sound a right misery don't I? swear im not, just long to meet people who feel similiar to me. Thanks for your posting.

no, you sound like me! but then I am probably boring and miserable aswell.
There is a social club I have found about on tonight, and I am trying to make myself go.

You may laugh but I have been known to sneak off in a bathroom with a book!! I know that sounds so boring, but that is paradise to me (well I did my degree in literature) Give me a glass of wine and a great book and Im the happiest girl alive. Much more interesting than listening to someone talking about their last shopping trip or their job!!

I'm the same as you, and my dh likes to go out with friends. It stopped being a problem
when I made the point that just because I prefer to do things differntly to him, it doesn't mean I'm odd or the one in the wrong. I am entitled to live my life in a way I feel comfortable. Just refuse invitations in a polite way and still remain pleasant to people when you meet them. My dh goes out with his friends and it no longer causes a problem.

Maybe one of the things that's annoying your HB is that you sound like you are putting his friends down. It doesn;t give him the right to say you're abnormal - you're just different from him and entitled to be yourself. But I have noticed some homebody-type people can get very condescending about sociable people and suggest that they are 'immature' and need to 'settle down' and that social activities are superficial etc.

Basically, as with all other issues where two people in a couple are at opposite sides of the scale both have to compromise and spend some of their time doing things the other person prefers. Because it's not about either style or attitude being better, it's just about being different.

If only my hb was like yours pip51. He isn't the sort who goes out very often just with the lads, they tend to always involve partners too. Im totally unpossesive, and would love for him to do his own thing more often. Thats the problem.

If you don't mind me asking beanie would you be a bit depressed? Only because I felt a lot like this when I had depression.

I'm still much more introverted than my dp now. He sounds a lot like your husband. Loads of mates and loves going out. I try and make the effort to go out every now and again myself but prefer more sedate activities like going to the movies or out to dinner. I've always been a big book reader also and can finish a book in a day if I get the chance.

Tbh since having a baby it's become less of an issue. I encourage him to go out which he is very grateful for and I look after the baby, dp not knowing that I'm loving a couple of hours peace and quiet to myself when bubs is asleep. Everyone's happy.

yes, solidgoldbrass I must be honest I do tend to be blunt about not wanting to go out with his friends, I don't say they're awful (they aren't) but I don't make a secret of the fact that they're not really my cup of tea! Thanks too for your message trixiethepixie, Yes, I have had a tough year, suffered 2 miscarriages in the space of 8 months a few months back, but I have to say that even before this heartache I was never a party animal.

Really sorry to hear that beanie - are you receiving any counselling/medication? Went through something similiar some years back and it affected me for a long time.

I've never been a big party animal myself but I do try and make the effort to get out sometimes, more for my own sanity. I find that if I get down and in a rut in the house, it brings me further down.

Do you have any close friends yourself that you could take some time out with? Or if your husband wants to go out with his mates, maybe you could suggest a trip to the movies (not much conversation involved).

People are different though. I've commented to my dp before that he thrives more on going out and company, whereas I'm happy with my own company.

Thanx trixie. gp offered me an hour of counselling!! I think about my 2 losses everyday, especially at the mo as the 2nd would have been due next week. I have some nice friends at work, but they realise Im not a great socialiser so they don't ask me to go out anymore. Think your last sentence sums it up really, I suppose I feel annoyed that Im not enough for my dh and that he needs to socialise (silly and unreasonable as it sounds when I type it out). I too love my own company, my mum and sisters are the same.

God, I know - due dates and the dates it happened are so hard to face. I would take up the gp on the counselling and push for more if you feel you need it. I saw a psych for a good while although didn't want to go the whole medication route, I found it helped a bit.

I think maybe you are feeling particularly vulnerable right now and in need for your dh to be with you. I felt exactly the same when I was going through it. Sad and angry that I felt my dp wasn't there when I really needed him as I just wanted to batten down the hatches and hide. It may be his way of dealing with it though. Can you talk to him or write it down in a letter? I always find letters good as you can sort out what you want to say more clearly and you aren't getting interrupted.

Even if you're not a great socialiser you could invite your work friends over for dinner or a chinese and a few drinks. Maybe start a book group or something?

I know that you feel annoyed that you're not enough for him but he is feeling the flip side. No man is an island and all that.

Wish I could give you a big hug.

Gotta go as dp is home with dinner but if you ever need to talk just give me a shout.xx