How do you be a SAHM and create a financial safety net in the event that your marriage goes tits up??

[TooDependant]

I've been a SAHM for four years, it was a decision that both DH and I agreed on and has always worked well for us. Moneywise we have a joint account and even though I don't "earn" the money that goes into it, we've always operated on a "it's our money" and we both have equal say in how it's used.

DH and I have been in a rough spot for a few months now and although I hope to do everything possible to turn it around I am accutely aware of the fact that I would be financially buggered in the event of a divorce. I have no idea I how I would support myself and 2 pre school children. I've never worried about it before because I've always had faith in our relationship.

So how can I maintain faith and trust in our relationship but at the same time create a safety net for myself, whilst still being a sahm for the next three or four years.

I am fairly well educated, but in my job before children the salary would not have been enough to sustain a family.

My best friend has "secret savings" which she just sees as an insurance policy. But I'm not sure that is "right" although I can understand why it gives her piece of mind.

I have money in a savings account that isn't secret but only I can access it
we have no marital problems but I do always think it it goes tit's up at least I have that money
I always worked until we had ds2 so feel a bit vulnerable about money
could you open a savings account and put a bit away each month in it?

I don't think you can.
It would be better to work on your relationship to ensure it is strong enough so you don't fear divorce.
The only way to get your own money is to work.
Sorry to be blunt , I hope everything works out with your dh.

'could you open a savings account and put a bit away each month in it? '

surely that sort of deciet would in itself lead to marital problems though?

I don't think there's anything you can do...but tbh, you'd feel devastated if you found out your dh had been salting something away every month 'just in case' wouldn't you?

Sounds as though you've had a very honest/trusting relationship up until now, despite recent problems - so is there anything to suggest your dh wouldn't continue to support your kids (and you until you find your feet) in the event of a divorce? If not, I think you have to roll with it...

My dh wouldn't notice if I squirrelled away odd amounts from our joint account, but I wouldn't do it because of it being essentially dishonest.
I hope I've married a decent enough man that I would get reasonable support financially and custody wise in the event of a divorce - I know I have really.
However, I've always assumed that if the worst happened I'd go back to work - I think in financing 2 homes for the dc then the luxury of being a sahm would have to go.

Get an ISA in your name - they cannot be joint - do it above board as a financial investment. Let him do the same.

compo I suppose it depends how much money you have if it means you are doing without then yes if it means you feel you have a security blanket for you and the dcs then no
one of my friends from school has an isa her dh doesn't know about because he gambles online loads and she feels she needs some money of her own
I like to think I have money of my own that I have earnt and the fact that dh has no access to it is not a problem for us but we don't look at each others bank accounts anyway
if you discuss where every penny goes with each other then yes it might be a problem we don't do that so I for example don't know how much he has in his accounts and he doesn't know how much I have in mine

I have been a SAHM for years and I have savings from before I gave up my job which I would use for the family if necessary but which I see as my personal fall back money if needs be. It would have to be a seriously rainy day for me to part with it.

We also have joint savings but because they are in ISA's they have to be in one persons name so we split them between us to maximise allowances (not that much is going in at the moment in the credit crunchy times).

Also being the non-tax payer of the family I hold savings because I don't pay tax on them.

I think you would be completely justified in setting up a family savings account but only in your name. You get some personal financial security - money that only you can access but also, if you do keep the marriage on track you have useful family savings to splurge at a later date.

Of course this assumes that you have spare cash to save.

Other than that, maybe have a declutter and see what you can raise by selling stuff on ebay or in car boot sales. Or take a job or start a business that you can combine with being a SAHM like the Usborne Books or Phoenix cards.

Yes I would be devastated if I found out he had a secret stash of money especially as money is tight and we forgo alot of luxuries. Obviously I would go back to work if I had to but given my previous income levels I just don't know what sort of job I could get that would let me raise 2 boys on my own.

DH is a good man so I dobt very much he'd leave us penniless!

I don't worry too much but have upped my education by studying with OU and have done voluntary work when possible in the kind of jobs I would like to work in one day if needed. DH and me also have ISAs and if we split, I would hopefully just work 16 hours and apply for tax credits until I got on my feet. Hopefully DH would give some money towards kids or share some care to allow me to work. The way I see it is, if I did work and we depended on both wages to live on, I would be just as screwed in a split suddenly having half the wages coming in. Total financial independence is unusual from what I have seen.

you could

open a secret account and stash away money - i think this is fine

open and account - talk to your dh about your concerns and put money into it

open an account in your childrens names, that way if anything happens you can get access to money - that always being the intended use.

if its all happily ever after your kids have some money

My ISA is earmarked as savings for my next car - DH has company car - but obviously I could forgo upgrading my car if required. Also my youngest starts reception in January and with a tweak to my hours my childcare should only be £40/week.

However I have not intention of splitting with DH and it is only threads like this that make me think like that....

no financial safety net for me after 17 years at home but if he walked out I'd claim benefits instantly, CTC would carry on arriving until that was sorted and once you get income support the mortgage interest gets paid.

DH would be devestated if he thought that I needed to save money in case things went pear shaped. Sometimes - all things being equal (ie, no abuse, infidelity etc) you just have to put faith in a relationship.

I do realise that I am very lucky to be in such a stable relationship before anyone leaps on me.

But in a divorce you have to delare all monies.
It was a worry for me but in our bleakest times i did see a solicitor, and although not what i wanted i did feel a lot better about how i would cope if the worst came to the worst.

I think my h would have to support the dc and me until i managed to get work myself.

I think the having a secret bank/savings account is wrong and if you would not be happy about your partner having one you should not have one yourself.

I thought the problem was more what do you do for money until the divorce is finalised?

I think you cross that bridge when you come to it - i.e whether you split up or not.

But nothing to say you can't invest in National Bonds or ISAs in the meantime. But do it above board and let DH know, or at least don't keep it a secret...

I would just make sure that you have access to all the accounts and if things go badly wrong you can make sure that there is enough money in your control to tide you over. I did this and we are still living off it as I have no income and H hasnt paid any mantenance since he moved out. I have enough to keep us going for a year whilst we negotiate our divorce and I try to find work