DH not happy with me using facebook.

[totallynamechanged]

Joined 2 weeks ago, in touch with friends who used to live in same village, we all used to get on, play together (from the age of 4). One of them (male) got in touch and said hi, how was I, how was family etc and I kind of squealed in excitement - I haven't seen or heard from these people for years and they're part of my childhood. DH was not happy to say the least so I kind of made my excuses and signed off. He was ok about it after a day or so but a couple of days ago I sent an xmas stocking to a friend in Australia, I added a Merry Xmas etc and added xxx. Then thought 'oh i've another friend in Aus i'll send him one too' so I just added them both and sent the same message. Yesterday DH asked if he could see how facebook worked so I let him onto my profile (i've nothing to hide). He saw the message I sent the male friend and was seriously bothered and hurt about the xxxxx. In retrospect I shouldn't have sent it like that but I just added both names and hit the button. I should feel bad and I do a little but i'm getting sick of it. He's displayed signs of jealousy etc before and he has no need, i'm devoted to him. I moved away to live with him and had no friends. I joined mumsnet - he questioned what I was doing on it so much, I got some RL friends (aft 6 years) and go out maybe once a month - he struggles with that because sometimes I go out and treat myself or get my hair done, or have a hangover (which to him indicates I had a great time). Now its facebook. We do things together, I get my hair done when I go out with him, sometimes I buy myself things. Am I really being so unreasonable about this?

he sounds very controlling

I'm starting to think him of possessive when I never have before and we've been together nearly 7 years. I just need other peoples perspective and opinions on whether he's overreacting or whether i'm doing something really wrong

should've read 'think of him as possessive'

that sounds horribly controlling TBH. You've been completely transparent with him and he is still finding fault. That's crap and you certainly shouldn't let yourself doubt whether you've done wrong because you haven't, and you should be able to have your own friends and freedoms without feeling worried you're going to get the huff from him.

He is possessive. He's cut you off from your friends and is trying to monitor your communications. (he diden't 'want to see how facebook worked' he wanted to make sure he could access your account and spy on you).

He is overreacting, and you need to step on this behaviour hard, now. Never pander to jealous people, it makes them worse and they quite often become dangerous. If he cries and bleats about being 'insecure', remember that it's his problem. You basically have to tell him that you have no plans to be unfaithful but that you are not property and will speak to/communicate with/see who ever you want.
But TBH prepare for trouble when you do call him on his behaviour. Possessive controlling men are most likely to become dangerous when challeneged: if he gets angry back down, apologise and start making plans to get out of the relationship ASAP.

My dp is very very suspicious of MN and used to be the same with FB until I set him up on it.
Now he's addicted to it .
We both have access to each others passwords and are totally open about what friends we have on there.
He does sound terribly insecure and maybe needs some reassurance or counselling before he drives you away with this possessiveness.

Um, yes, I would say that sounds very possessive. I was pleased when an old flame Facebooked me recently and happily showed dh the message, it never occurred to me that he wouldn't be fine with it. And as for having your hair done when he says it's okay to, I am a bit about that. If someone loves you, they should be happy you've had a nice time - if dh got upset every time I went out without him, blimey, he'd spend a lot of time feeling bad.

you're all saying things I'm thinking. He is becoming possessive, that I realise and I have said basically what I said on the OP. His excuse about MN is that he's fine with it now, he says he will get used to facebook, its something different and that i'd be upset if he sent random xxxxx to some woman. I questioned that its the fact he feels as though he has to get used to it that is a problem along with his reactions. I will not pander to him, i'm strong enough to see what is happening. I will perhaps take more consideration in messages I may send though however its rare i'm in contact with a fella (these are all boys I knew when I was little, no-one from RL now). I know he was having a bit of a check up when I let him on my facebook account, he is fairly transparent when it comes to things like that. He says he trusts me (but all of this suggests he doesn't). His insecurity is quite a longstanding thing, whether its us in the bedroom (we are not lacking by any stretch of the imagination), or whether its facebook, or my friends. Its all getting tiresome now. I'm not in a position where I want to leave this relationship and I can't see me ever wanting to leave, but I am getting to the point where things are annoying me and i'm feeling emotionally abused by long drawn out conversations about, well, nothing. I don't really now where to go from here. I'm tired of constantly reassuring DH.

You said you moved to be with him. Does that mean he had an established social circle before you lived together? Does he ever socialise without you , or do you always go too?

I'm just trying to establish if he feels you should do everything as a couple or if its fine for him to have a life of his own but not for you.

He doesn't have a lot of friends, a handful probably. He does socialise without me, but its generally a couple of nights per week after work and he's home by 6-6.30. This doesn't bother me. He occasionally goes to concerts and stuff but thats about it. I wish he would go out more often, I enjoy a night in front of the tv. He does like to be a couple a lot - share takeaways, go shopping together, going out together (he can't understand why I have 'different and apparent' more fun with my girlfriends), had a thing about going to the gym together which was fine but I went on my own a few times and that had to be mentioned (not overly but still). Does he really sound bad? I'm starting to wonder but feel I really need advice about what to do.

Bloody hell. He sounds very possessive indeed. You should be able to talk to and socialise with who you want, male or female. I would not like it if my DP was like that - he encourages me to go out and meet new people and I do with him as well. You need to have trust.

His "possessiveness" come from insecurity. Whether that is unfounded or not only you can know.

I always steered well clear of Facebook even though I knew all my friends were on it. This is because my H had created a huge issue in our marriage with his abuse of online social networking, so I didn't want him on Facebook, not realising that actually, a married couple would BE on each other's Facebook in normal circumstances, and unless a person is single and looking for "dating" etc, Facebook is not really used to do anything secretly underhand. There are OTHER SITES for that!

We split up in Sept and I made myself a Facebook page and am having great fun with it - none of it in respect of getting in touch with men I want to be involved with romantically - mainly with my established friends but also to say Hi and nose about on the profile of old friends and aquaintances, as you have described.

Point this out to your DH. Explain that if you wanted to skulk about having "secret liasons" then there would be "better" places to do it than Facebook! Maybe encourage him to make a page?

Unless you know he has reason to be insecure about your relationship because of something you have done in the past, you need to point out to him that he is being needlessly insecure. Oh and maybe don't put xxxxxxx to male friends. You don't really need to do that to be friendly.

He sounds quite insecure - as if he expects you to leave/ be unfaithful if you got half a chance. Does he generally have low self -confidence? You do need to tell him that his possessiveness is beginning to cause a problem in your relationship and you will end up resenting him if he doent back off and give you some space. If you pander to it by changing your behaviour or constantly reassuring him, itis likely that he will get worse. He needs to know it is his behaviour that is the problem, not yours.

I agree that xxxxxxxxx was wrong, but it was a genuine 'mistake' if you will. He is insecure and I haven't done anything as far as I am aware. In his previous relationship he has said he has felt stifled in that his ex always wanted to know where he was and wanted to go with him to things which is why i'm surprised he's now going down this route. Maybe he sees that as love and that my willingness to get off out and do things myself (SAHM don't really talk to many people, no family support so school run, mn and fb are my main contact with the outside world) makes him feel less loved. I think he thinks that if I loved him so much i'd want to do everything with him. Its not like that though is it.

Remember the number of threads in which women complain about their husbands sending friendly Facebook messages to women they used to know - and in which they get great support from posters who say the man must be up to no good - before deciding this clearly makes the man a possessive tosser. He might be, but think on a little ...

AFD - I think women who get whiny and stroppy about facebook need to be told to get a grip as well. People who are insecure need to fix themselves, not try to control their partners. Controlling a partner doesn;t work: a partner who wants to have sex elsewhere will just get good at covering his/her tracks, a partner who is monogamous will get sick of being spied on and whined at and will either leave or start shagging around out of resentment.

agree with solidgold et al that he is very insecure. Set him up on B and tell him to get a grip before he drives you away. Remind him of why you are together etc and support him but ensure that he acknowledges that he has an insecurity problem that you two can work through together.