Just a vent about my parents and planning on moving in round the corner [angry]

[goblinvalley]

after i have repeatedly told them that it is too close - aaargh

At the moment they live about an hour away and we see them every two weeks, they also come/we go on bank holidays/inset days, etc.

We have 1 ds who is their only grandchild, and Nanny dotes on him, although it is generally on their terms - they say which days they can make it and i am supposed to make us available - if not, ice cold response or tears about how they don't get to see him enough and he'll forget them

My dh struggles with this and my parents general controlling behaviour, but we try hard to keep the peace.

I do have a brother with stepkids, but they had a huge falling out a couple of years ago (i think over the same interfering) and relations have cooled somewhat. My parents are fickle in that previous to the argument, pictures of his family were all over the house, then got taken down and recently have started to go back up as relations have thawed !

I have been helping them try to find a house that is closer to us, about 5 miles or so away. Not terribly far, but enough for everyone to have a bit of space. Yesterday, they visited a new development around the corner (1/2 mile) away from us and came back to take me to see the house they have chosen It's a nice house, but 3 storeys on a huge development at the end of a runway - all the things that they said they didn't want, hell, my mum's just been diagnosed with arthritis in her hip.

Why would they have done this?????

My dad said that 'what did i think' i replied that it is a lovely house 'but too close', my mum said that she also didn't want a house here as it was too close - so they went and put an offer in on it anyway

I am livid - they know that i don't want them this close, i have told them everytime my dad has suggested a house (jokingly) across the road - so why are they ignoring me???

I'm not mean (honest), we just like our own space and company - and we do visit them, talk on the telephone, etc.

Thanks if you read this far - this has just upset me how much they seem to be ignoring my feelings - and there are plently of other houses they could have.

Yes definitely.
Tell them that you are worried they have only chosen this house as its so close to you when the house isnt right for them and that you hadnt told them yet but you are talking about moving in a year or so, so it would be madness to base their decision on where you are living now.
Tell them you are moving 5 or 10 miles away and help them look for a house near your 'new area'

I'm in two minds about this, 1/2 mile away is a fair distance away from you. Like your father hinted, they could move much nearer like across the road and I agree that would be 'too close'

I don't understand what is the difference between 1/2 mile and 5 miles away for you ? I can't imagion what kind of things would cause a problem at 1/2 mile and not cause the same kind of problem at 5 miles ?

That said it is worth helping them find a more suitable 'not over three storeys' house and discussing sensible ground rules about ringing before turning up etc.

Not sure I would lie to them about a job offer as lies have a way of biting you on the bum. However, I do think a heart to heart with your mum might be the way. I might have got it wrong, but is it your dad who is the driving force behind this particular house selection? You mentioned that it is your dad suggesting a house over the road and your mum also mentioned she didn?t want a house there as it is too close. Perhaps it is worth avoiding focusing on the "too close" thing (which is a bit tricky to do without offending anyone and if you play it to softly they might think you are only joking or not that bothered). Instead, why not focus on why this house is not right for them - all those stairs for your mum, location near a busy and noisy airport etc etc. I would try to angle your arguments more about their needs and wishes than how it affects you and see what happens.

Have they still got a house to sell? If so, I would not panic just yet as the house market is so slow. You might have plenty of time for them to see reason.

I do understand and sympathise. My mum is wonderful but can be a bit blinkered when it comes to her grandchildren and it can be very overpowering and difficult to manage at times. It takes about 10 mins in the car to get to my folks house and so we visit between once a fortnight and two or even three times a week at times. Just about right for us. Ironically my sister lives only half a mile from her in laws and they only see them once a month or so!!

BabiesEverywhere - I agree about the distance being not so important (although walking distance is lethal for constant dropping in opportunities) most importantly it is about the route - if you house is between them and the supermarket/local town/leisure centre for instance, then 5 miles might still mean constant popping in as they were "just passing the door"...

Beg the estate agent to tell them their offer was not accepted?

You should question why they have chosen this house as it seems so unsuitable for them. If their response is to be closer to you then you could play the we may move soon card straight away. If they insist that this is their dream house regardless of location then wait a week or so and then just casually drop in the we may move soon into a conversation. I think that if you confront them with "it's too close" it could cause problems and I would save that one for if the situation gets desperate and they really won't change their minds. Good luck. x

Thanks for all your replies.

Unfortunately the 1/2 is within walking distance for my parents and i know that they will just 'happen' to be passing - even though it is not on a route to anywhere.

5 miles was going to be my minimum

Yes, my dad is the driving force behind this particular house. He doesn't want maintenance (understandable) and wants a double drive without parking problems, which this house has.

Also, a big driver is that they can part exchange on a new house. They had two small houses of which they have sold one, and now live in the other whilst trying to sell. My dad is very unhappy in this house and not being able to sell it (has only been 3 months) and wants to move and 'get it over and done with'

I do understand this, i really do - i just don't want them in walking distance

My father will just disappear into his railway and computer. He has already said that he 'can offload Nanny onto me'

Unfortunately my relationship with my mum is not great, she is very good at using emotional blackmail to get what she wants. When i said i wasn't going back to work, she cried in a public playground about how mean i was to deny her looking after her grandson. When he was younger she encouraged him to call her mum, gets upset with me when he won't talk on the telephone - he's 5 ! and generally tries to take over when she visits - which yesterday was nearly 8 hours. This is the normal length of their visits, they always stay until my dh comes home from work.

Can't tell them we will move, as they know that we are very happy where we are and have no intention of moving.

Please tell me it won't be that bad......

Don't think you can stop them buying the house tbh. That's their decision. Your mum sounds a bit unhappy. Its as though her grandson is the only important thing in her life. Its normal for the grandchild to be important,but there should be other things as well.

You will have to be very firm about ground rules. No "dropping in as we were passing". They can visit but phone first to make sure its ok.

The only other thing I can think of is, when your mum lives closer, you may be able to get her involved in some local activities to put a bit more into her life.

You could get her her own computer, too.

Oh dear, I feel for you I really do. My relationship with my Mum sounds fairly similar to yours. If I gave her the green light she would be here all day everyday..she thinks she has a great relationship with me, I think differently. She too uses emotional blackmail, my DS is 14 weeks old and I am on mat leave til next May. When I return to work (I can't afford not to)the plan will be DS will be in nursery for 3 days a week, 1 day with my Mum and 1 day with me hopefully. I briefly touched on the subject with Mum when preg, she told me how cruel it is to leave a baby in day care and that he should be in a family environment. Nice eh. I think she was under the impression that she would be looking after him full time, erm don't think so. She has very diff attitudes to me about parenting. She sees him at least twice a week (lives 3 miles away) and still tells me indirectly through DS how she doesn't see him often enough, my Dad is just as bad he eggs her on.
Sorry a bit of a rant there, I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. Just stand your ground though and tell them that whilst you and your family like to see them you don't want to spend every waking minute with them as you have your own family unit now and you need your space.

And perhaps you could set up a regular "programme". Like, they come to you for Sunday lunch every third Sunday, and they get to have ds first Saturday of every month. Your mum would have something definite to look forward to then.

And perhaps you could get her to "help". Say something like "I'm looking for a pair of brown trousers with elasticated waist for ds. Can you have a look for me please". Just so she feels involved.

Thank you

Jangly, she is lonely and he is her reason for living.

It took 2 years of cajoling to persuade her to look for something to do - didn't like elderly, didn't like volunteering, etc. I have to suggest or organise things and then she looks for the faults, otherwise she wouldn't do anything.

Wigglesworth - good luck, you too have my sympathy.

We see them fairly regularly, normally every 2 weeks. However, they have never had him on their own - they would really like to - but to be brutally honest i just don't trust them with him.

When they argue (frequently) they become oblivious to anything else, and will spat quite visciously in front of him. I remove us from this, but it leaves an awful atmosphere and i can't do that to him.

No, I can see your point there about the arguing.

I think you are going to have to do an awful lot of calm talking.

Good luck with it. I hope it works out well for all of you.

Oh no what an awkward situation

TBH though, I wouldn't worry so much about the move and the distance, but rather work on setting up boundries.

Just because she might want to drop in on you all the time doesn't mean you have to accept it!

Just arrange regular times when it's convinient to you and be unavailable at any other time, and treat all toddler behavior (sulking, frosty treatment, shouting) as you would with a toddler...ignore ignore ignore

My grandmother (my mum's mum) was just like this and my poor mum put up with the sulking etc till a few years ago, until I tried to make her see that she didn't have to, it took a little while but my grandmother has now 'learned' that sulking and childish behavior gets her nowhere and she's far more likely to be included more often if she plays nice

Controlling relationships are by nature abusive ones. I feel for you having two parents like this - from their actions they're both as bad as one another.

I would certainly agree with you setting them proper boundaries. You are going to have to stand firm here, even firmer than you have been before now. Your parents are doing the power and control to a massive degree (this is what control is all about ultimately) and now they are involving your son. I think they want to move close because at heart they don't think you're somehow "capable" enough to look after your own self. They have always been controlling methinks and will not change.

Not really surprised your Mum didn't want to do anything - its all about her needs and wants. Organising her therefore is a waste of time; it also makes you look weak in her eyes. Do not enable her by trying to find things for her to do; she is patently not interested. Same with your Dad - no-one else matters except them, they don't care whose feelings they tread on.

You may also find the following interesting written by someone who also has controlling parents:-

"Many people who do not have controlling parents, or other severe issues with their parents, seem to believe that a conversation about the problem will have a light-switch effect that will change your entire relationship. I do think that children in these situations have the unfortunate responsibility of informing their parents when lines have been crossed - but do not loose heart because your information has not "changed" them.

I recently read an article about "dealing with controlling parents", and two suggestions really struck me:

Recognize the problem as belonging to your domineering parent. It's a problem deeply rooted in his or her own background and personality.

Depersonalize the issues as they arise. You are not causing the controlling behavior in the people who are supposed to care for you.

A helpful article I have found on the issue:

www.ehow.com/how_2057950_deal-controlling-parent.html"

I would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dan Neuharth.

Ten Signs Your Parents May Still Control You
Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

1. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

1. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

1. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

1. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

1. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

1. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

1. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

1. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

oh heck Atila - I scored 7/10 on that test!

They live 200 miles away!!

Thanks Atila

As i grew up in this household it has taken quite a while (and a dh) to realise not everyone lives like this.

Its weird and feels a bit unloyal to think some of the things that i am contemplating right now - but i am having a hard time getting past the fact that they are blatantly going against what told them

My dh's family is completely opposite in that we don't see them from year to year and there is never any problem when we see them. I get grief if i haven't rung for a couple of days!

I am lucky though in that my dh is older and does not get pushed around, both my parents know that he doesn't like some of the things that they do - but carry on regardless.

I shall get a copy of that book

Oh my god atila that is my life. My parents do that and the test almost a perfect 10. I didn't realise it till now. What do I do about it?

"8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

1. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent "

I don't see how these are indicators of parental control - surely they just mean you don't get on with your parents?

It's odd I know to ressutect such an old thread but I am having uncannily similar issues (including moving around the corner) and i would be interested to know how this one worked out in the long run, whichI hope it did. Thanks