General ramblings of a madwoman.

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I managed to screw up & not put a title on the original post, so sorry for the repost. I just don't think anyone'll look at the untitled one!

I've name changed for this, even though it's going to be really obvious who I am for anyone who speaks to me regularly or can be bothered to do the necessary detective work. Mostly I just don't want people I know in real life to Google my usual username & find this.

I'm in a huge mess & rapidly sinking into depression. I'm accidentally pregnant, been living with my DP for just over a month now, only been with him for 8 months (although I've known him well for about a year longer than that) & just starting uni. I'm only 20.

There's too much to just splurge out into one original post, but I think I just need somebody to talk to without scaring all of my friends & family into thinking that I'm going to collapse into useless jelly any minute. I'm trying to prove that I can hold my shit together after I've made the decision (happily) to keep the baby, etc & move quite a way away from home.

This time last year I was having a fantastic time & I was really happy. I was working in my gap year & spending pretty much all of my earnings on socialising & making a great circle of friends from the outside world - I don't tend to get on with people of my own age group, so don't have heaps of friends from school or anything. I was single & having a fabulous time of it all. Suddenly I'm engaged to be married & pregnant.

I'm absolutely terrified, really. I don't know how I'm going to make it all work. I know that I will - I have to - but it's so much, so quickly. I had so many plans & now they've all changed. & the thing is, I wouldn't change any aspect of it. I wouldn't not be in this relationship (although it's struggling at the moment), or not have the baby, or not be at uni. I want all of those things. But I'm still not happy.

& I'm wondering if I ever will be. Whether it's normal to feel this way, or whether there's actually something wrong with my life.

Earlier, I got IDed in a pub when I was trying to buy food & had no ID on me. I ended up crying to the point of having to run to the toilet. When I came back, the barmaid said I could have the food, but I was not in the mood then. It's so unlike me. I'm usually so happy & optimistic & physically can't cry in front of anyone, even people I trust. I know it's partly hormones, but even so...

I don't really know what I'm asking of you
all. Sorry. I don't think I'm making much sense.

I'm about a 2 hour train journey from home now. I know nobody in this city at all. DP's made friends, but my situation hasn't lent itself to that in the slightest. I have a few really great friends & lots of social acquaintances with whom I get on really well, but they're all a long way away.

I didn't really plan most of them. The pregnancy was definitely unplanned & very unexpected. It was the result of contraceptive failure, so not even stupidity on our part. I very much want this baby now, definitely.

I was always going to move away from home, but I thought that it would be for uni - nights out drinking, having a laugh, doing well academically, etc. All of those things have gone to hell because I either can't do them, or am too ill with being pregnant to get to lectures.

The relationship's totally floundering because we've had to suddenly move in together & there's the pressure of the baby (he really wants it too) & all the other changes on us to make it work. I know that living with someone is always difficult to get used to, but it's being made extra difficult. We argue a lot & our styles of dealing with that clash. He's not awful to me - he's generally lovely & helps out with cooking & stuff. He's really excited about the baby. But when he's angry he says deliberately hurtful, vicious things that are designed to hurt me & I'm meant to forget about them when he's calmed down. He even asked if the baby was his the other day & said that it could be anyone's because I have 'loose morals'. But if I bring that up after he's calmed down then I'm holding things against him & being manipulative...

Gosh, I would be worried about how he is acting too- sorry to fly and post as have got company, but will check in with you in the morning x x

He's 21. I know they're not good things. I know that he doesn't mean them, but obviously they get me down. He also makes jokes about me being a 'social retard' because I've not made any friends here yet. They are only jokes, but they wear me down.

He also would happily spend all of his time on the Xbox. He'll play for 7 or 8 hours straight, hogging the entire living room & tv, until I snap & ask him to stop. That's then called nagging, no matter how long I've left him to it. We had a huge argument about that last weekend & he's been better for the last few days - he'll play for 2 or 3 hours, but will stop of his own accord, eventually.

I don't think he realises how much things like that affect me. He's come straight from living at home, where he was left to do whatever he liked & now I'm here telling him to stop playing his games or whatever.

Earlier I told him that I think I'm getting depressed & he told me not to 'let myself'. I said that it wasn't that simple & he said that I'm 'inhuman enough about everything else, so it should be', or something. He thinks that because I'm objective in arguments, whilst he flies off the handle & is nasty to me, that I don't have emotions or anything. It does seem to just be a lack of understanding, mostly on his part, but I don't know how to get him to see it.

oh sweetheart - these are personality traits of his and you can't change them. you can teach a guy to do more housework or to buy you an anniversary gift but you can't teach him to react to you with kindness, or to show you respect. both of which he is not doing.
i'm not surprised you are unhappy. you should be excited and being looked after and indulged by your man - 1st pregnancy is the only time you can act/demand every whim...and he's behaving like a man child. he needs a good ten years living on his own to grow up. i don't know what to say to be helpful as obviously you want to be in this relationship - would he consider counsellng?

I had to post here, I'm not in the same situation but I accidently got pregnant a few weeks after finishing uni & went from happy carefree student to mum. It was really difficult on a number of levels but nearly three years later its all ok (sort of, lol!).

I would say it's normal to be terrified in this situation, there's so much to deal with. Are you going to carry on with uni normally, or do you think you'll have a year off or something?

Don't worry about making friends, with time you'll meet people you get on with. There's probably other students with kids and mature students who don't always do the crazy pub crawls etc. that happen at the start of uni.

Got to go now but will try to be back

its pregnancy hormones

You sound like a together person who will bounce back from your unexpected but welcomed pregnancy and will sucessfully juggling being a student and building a new social circle for yourself.

However I don't think your partners 'jokes' are funny, nor the amount of time spent on his computer reasonable. He sounds (at best) an immature, selfish git. Counselling for him sounds like a good idea, if he'll go.

Have you sat him down and explained that you need some non-computer time attention and that his 'jokes' are hurtful ?

All the best with your pregnancy

what babies said.

I think your DP is the root of the problems and it's having a knock on effect everywhere else tbh. he sounds like a right immature twat.

it might be worth you moving back nearer your family for a while tbh if you can, this time is very tiring and exhausting, not just physically but emotionally as well you need a good strong support network which tbh I don't think your DP is providing at all. He can't be your everything, and you can't be his.

your studys tbh will wait, you can recommence them if you wish when baby is a bit older if you choose that way forward.

for now thou i'd say concentrate on yourself and your babe, and tell DP he's the cause of most of the problem.

XH 7 I married at 21/20, and tbh we were too young far far too young, he had similar traits to your DP and tbh he just got worse.

kat2907 & BabiesEverywhere - I don't know if he would consider counselling. I don't really know enough about it all to know how much good it'd be. What kind of counselling do you mean? I really want to make it work. Asides from the fact that I do love him & he has a lot of good traits too, I don't want to be that girl who gets herself pregnant & is left alone. It's respectable enough to say that it was an accident but that we're taking responsibility for it & just accepting that things that would've happened eventually have merely happened sooner. It's not so respectable to turn around with my broken life in my hands & have to try to put it back together after making some arguable decisions.

A lot of people thought that I shouldn't keep this baby because I am just starting uni & I'm so young. I was quite naive as to how difficult it'd be even to this point - I've had far more pregnancy sickness, etc, than I expected & have had to miss quite a few lectures as a result. I wasn't intending to miss anything until Marchish & take the few weeks left of term off to have the baby, then sit my exams in August (when people do resits) as a first sitting. It's my first year, so I only have to pass. The score doesn't count towards my final degree.

I'm considering stopping at Christmas now, & taking a 12 month leave of absence & picking it up next Spring, continuing my first year. That way I wouldn't have to start again. The only thing is though that student finance provides a fair bit of support for student parents & I don't know how I'd cope without it for almost a year, especially if I'm a single mother by then. Financially I may actually be better off studying.

My family are very supportive, but I promised them from the start of the pregnancy that it wouldn't become their problem. I had to make the decision about the baby by myself & it's kind of a case of I've made my bed... They would help, if necessary, but it's not really fair to ask it of them, even if I lived more locally.

I'm quite tempted to see if I could transfer universities, though. I love mine & the course, but there's a very good university in my home city which originally accepted my application. It's sometimes possible to switch university part-way through a course, so I may look into that. At least I'd be closer to my family & although not dependent on them, I'd have them there as a back-up. It's not really what I ever would have wanted, though. It would also mean that DP would rarely get to see our child, which isn't what I want for either of them. I do feel that, where possible, a child should have both of its parents available to it & that wouldn't be the case.

SpandexIsMyEnemy - Most of my worries with the relationship are that he'll get worse. Even at this level, I think I could learn to tolerate it so long as he wasn't showing me disrespect in front of our child. & there's always the hope that he'll get better. But I don't want to be trapped in a relationship that is deteriorating from the outset.

As I said, we're currently engaged & intending to get married (with a very small ceremony) before the baby arrives. Partly because I think it's the right thing to do traditionally & partly because I know that it'd provide a basis of legal support if one of us were to die or something. I don't want there to be any extra problems from something like that when there's a child involved.

But at this point I don't know whether getting married would be the stupidest thing I could do, or whether I should go for it anyway, see how things pan out & if necessary think of it only as an insurance policy of sorts. Which is hardly the romantic fairytale of my childhood, but then what is anymore?

scouserabroad - I'm so glad to hear that it gets better from the motherhood aspect, at least. I know that I can deal with it. I'm a clever girl, I've always loved babies & children & already know how to change a nappy, etc. I also know that it'll be really difficult in a way that I can't imagine - especially if I'm on my own - but I do know that I'll cope. I just don't know how yet.

I think a lot of it is that I feel that I'm losing my identity completely. I used to be great fun, go out drinking & dancing, I generally enjoyed working & obviously always enjoyed having money... I was never the sort to sleep around, but it was nice to dance with strangers in clubs & go home with mates via the kebab shop to all fall asleep in a pile on the sofa at someone's house.

I was meant to come to uni, make a few lifelong friends, have a laugh & get a first class honours degree at the end of it. Now it feels like I'm going to struggle to complete this year, let alone 2 more.

I know the best thing that I can do for my child is to stick it out, get qualified & get a good job. Ultimately, I want to be a teacher - which works well with a child, as I'll always have weekends & holidays off, obviously. That is the only plan in my life that hasn't had to radically change. The only one.

12 months ago I was fantastically happy. Now I don't feel like I ever can be anything like that happy again, & yet I don't want to lose anything in my life. I want my DP, I want our relationship, I want our baby & I want my uni course. But I'm so desperately unhappy that I don't see that those things can be good for me in that combination & I honestly don't know what to do.

Maybe your DP is scared too and his way of dealing with it is to play computer games so he doesn't have to think about it all too much? Some people do react like that, IME.

Does your uni have a student advisor / counsellor type person? There might be ways of making things easier for you, studywise. You could take only some of the modules this year, and do more in your second year when baby is older?

One thing I found is that sleep deprivation made my brain turn to mush and no matter how hard I try I'm just not very efficient at studying (am studying from home at the mo with DDs 1 & 2).

Sorry that last sleep deprivation bit sounds negative, I don't mean to be!

TC, counselling with Relate might help - they will reduce the charge if you ask, as you are a student. Sorry, but your DP sounds very immature - however many other good qualities he may have.

Actually, what ARE his good qualities? What you have described here are very negative ones - he does you down trivialises your feelings, spends hours on his games and generally behaves as he must have done with his parents. You are both having a baby, but it sounds like it's left to YOU alone to be the grownup and make plans for your future - plans which he should be sharing.

If you were my daughter (and my DD is not much younger than you) I would advise you to put yourself and baby first, seek advice from your uni student counsellor before deciding whether to stay, transfer nearer your home town, put your course on hold etc - these are too many decisions for you to make without consulting someone. I would also be frank with your family - however independent you want to be, families are there to support you in a crisis and if they have already offered, please don't be afraid to accept their help. That's what I'd want to do if I were your mum.

And take care of yourself - if you feel yourself sliding into depression, see your GP, contact the NCT perhaps to find a group near you, and seek help. If your DP wants to be involved with this baby, well and good - but a ring on your finger won't guarantee that.

sweetie - 5 years of marriage down the line and i'm left alone with a baby - you haven't/didn't intend to be in this situation. so you will NEVER be THAT girl - that girl you talk about it the one who sleeps with all and sundry just to have a baby and so on. that's NOT you, and it will NEVER be you. But honestly being alone with a baby is a lot lot easier than being in an abusive relationship with a baby.

re the family thing - it's not a problem, please you can't take all of this on your own two shoulders, you need some support - and every one needs their mum some times right?? - it's not dropping the baby at their door - it's accepting genuine help when it's needed. the idea you have of going back to uni in the spring is very good - can you transfer the course to your home uni in the mean while? honestly a good support network I feel makes or breaks - at least put it this way without mine i'd have sunk deffo.

IMVHO - he will get worse, unless he has major redeeming features - example when you're both tired he'll snap at you and the baby. etc etc. also you say about not wanting him to have loads of time away form the baby - well as I see it, if he's there in physical form but is on the computer all the time is that really parenting?? to spend 7/8 hours on a PS2 you're missing your child anyways, might as well be alone in that case iycwim. it's harsh yes, but at least if you were separated then he would spend quality time with the child/you. We all ahve the ideal of the whole 2 parents thing tbh, and given the choice DS would have his dad we'd be the perfect unit etc etc but you know what it's a very hard less to learn, (and I don't want to preach as i'm not that much older than you) but well life's not perfect, you and your DC will be a little family unit either way - right now you need to think can you see yourself in 30 years with this man, and basically do what you think is best for you and your DC - take DP out of the equation for the minute, if you think it's best moving home say to him you are and he's welcome to come. if you choose to stay with him, you need to be strong and tell him you won't tolerate his behaviour - it's effecting your self esteem, which isn't good, as tbh after you have a baby a woman's v vulnerable, and in some cases her self esteem gets a lot lower - so if yours is already low where will it go iycwim.

the rest of it - I think well to a degree when you do the long term thing/marriage to an extent your identity does mold with your DP's and you sort of have a complete one if that makes sense? and again as a mummy you have your 'mummy' identity, but there's one important thing to remember, you may be a mummy, you maybe a wife, but ultimately, you are a lady - a fantastically smart woman by the sounds of it, who can go a long way when you set your mind to it. you'll find your priority change after bubba comes along, and to a degree you have a lot less time for the less important things in life - the going out etc etc as when you do get to do it it's better as you don't go all the time if that makes sence?

i'm assuming you're also the first of your group to have a baby/settle down? so that's unnerving. but you will cope and you'll be left standing, never doubt that.

have a chat to your student support/councillor if you can do. you don't have to loose your identity totally you know - it just changes slightly that's all.

althou we can all tell you and advise, unfortunately a lot of these lessons you need to learn alone.

oh and fwiw i've started a degree course to be a teach er with one ds of 2.8 so it is possible - anything is possible with the right support.

even the most independent f people need to ask for help sometimes you know (as i'm often told! lol)

hope that doesn't come across as harsh, but you have options out there just think them all out each avenue.

Thank you so much to you all. You've given me a lot to think about & don't sound at all harsh or negative.

I'll probably be back here at some point, but I'm going to go away & think about things now. He's not talking to me today - I'm getting the silent treatment because I didn't throw my arms around him when I was crying in the street after the pub incident. He came over & gave me a cuddle & I turned my face towards him & leant into him & managed to pull myself together, then say thank you for the cuddle afterwards. But I didn't 'cuddle him back', so I don't seem to deserve to be spoken to.

Normally these things wouldn't bother me so much, but it's actually beginning to look really bad writing just a few of these little episodes down, let alone a whole week's worth or whatever. I'm not sure that it will be salvageable no matter how hard I try & I think I have to think of other options as to how my life's going to go from here.

Ultimately, I'm worried for my DC. I know that it will be loved by us both no matter what, but I don't want it to grow up in an unhappy home or seeing its mother suffering at the end of such passive aggressive - or sometimes just aggressive - behaviour. I want my child to be able to respect me & I don't see that happening here the way things are.

I can't remember how much I mentioned last night because I was in quite a state, but I don't think I gave a couple of example of things that lead me to worry about this more. We were arguing in the city centre, so had stood down an alleyway so we weren't right in the middle of everyone & causing a scene. He said that we always sit in the flat in silence & that I was ruining our night out (we were trying to see Quantum of Solace at his suggestion) & I said that the silence happened because he wasn't talking. Which not only makes logical sense but is very true - he's not great at making conversation & doesn't try, although he'll respond when spoken to (unless it's a silent treatment day). He just flounced off & left me standing there, pregnant, in a dark alleyway just as two shifty looking men started approaching from the other end.

I felt quite unsafe & decided that I'd go into the pub opposite & get a Pepsi & sit & calm down where it was safe. I got a text from him within seconds of sitting down saying 'I'm going home. You sit in the pub and get pissed.'

In the end he didn't go home, but came & argued in the pub with me for a couple of hours instead. To be honest, I was quite sarcastic with him & referred two or three times to my triple vodka & coke in front of me, wondering if he'd believe that it was. In the end he snapped & told me to stop being sarcastic & that I knew he'd only said it to hurt me.

Last night, after all of this upset, I said that I wasn't hungry & didn't want any food. In fairness to him, he was going to make me something, which he often does. He also does most of the washing up, as a side point, because it makes me feel sick to do it since I got pregnant. He is quite practically useful. But he got aggressive about that again & said that I was being selfish & that I was 'killing our baby' & that I'm just going to 'let our baby die' because I didn't want one meal.

If he keeps questioning my ability as a mother now (when I don't smoke, have stopped drinking, have stopped ice skating, for example, in case I fall over & hurt the baby) & I can't do anything more by the book, how will he be when the baby's here & there are more decisions to be made about every single aspect of its life - whether it sleeps in the bed with us or not, whether we sterilise the bottles or not, whether we even use bottles or I'll breastfeed... There are so many shades of grey yet to be faced & I just don't see that he respects me enough to let me raise this baby without constant criticism...

Well, I really do seem to be talking a lot again, so I'm going to stop for now, I think. You've all been so lovely & I really, really thank you for that. I hope everything works out for you all in your futures too

mumsnet is always here for you no matter what. but given now he's threatening your abilities as a mum - please please dont' beleive it - that will be his last change (and tbh a quite weak and pathetic thing to do) to keep you with him. please get out he is abusive.

of course it is up to you, and MN will be here rain shine morning or night, someone will listen. - might be worth having a look on the anti-natal threads to see if there's one you can join - it's nice to have other ladies in the same trimester etc as yourself - even if only virtual.

(oh one little thing - babys bottles ALWAYS need sterilizing till about 1 years I think - (or in DS's case till he started trying to put the dogs food in this mouth.))

and it's good to talk duncha know!

keep safe, and keep the wise head on your shoulders - don't let him grind you down.

To be honest, I think your DP has a lot of growing up to do yet, psychologically - even if he's good on the practical side. Maybe having this baby will be the making of him - or maybe not. I wouldn't bet on it. He may mean well in his criticism of your behaviour, but he is not being helpful and his remarks about damaging or killing the baby are totally insensitive and out of order.

My old flatmate once said to me that she wanted to bear children, not marry one. Worth thinking about.

Your DC will be fine - he/she will have a fantastic mum, and you will have a great future. I think you'd make a great teacher, you sound eloquent, sensitive and very bright. I think you know deep down that, married or not, your DP may not be the man for you. He can still be a father to your child, but you need to be sure that your DC sees a strong, happy mother, not a woman in an destructive relationship. Happy parents apart are better than miserable parents together. Seriously. My daughter could attest to that.

Good luck Hon, and let us know how you get on. Big {{{{hugs}}}