Need some advice before DH gets home

[TheInvisibleGuyWentBANG]

I know that this may seem a bit trivial compared to alot of the problems I've seen on here, but would really like some advice on how to handle this without making the argument worse.

Dh & I have had many an argumet in the past, some very loud and we've both said silly things, but we've always made up and got through it. We've had some problems too, I have a very low sex drive and this is a big deal to him as he feels sex is very important. We've reached compromises and got through. We've been married 9 years now, together over 10.

I feel in the past 6 months our relationship has been the best it's ever been. He says he feels the same. We even started speaking about having another child.

Heres the but...twice in the past month he has started arguing with me for literally no reason, and not just moaning, but yelling, swearing, storming off. The first time was because I asked if there was something on tv he wanted to watch, because I would like to watch something for an hour before I went to work. This brought on an immediate 5 minuted of shouting at me, calling me a selfish bitch, don't care about anyone but myself, I walk over him like he's so unimportant, etc. I went to work (nightshift) really upset and confused, expecting an explanation/ apology in the morning, to find he didn't even remember shouting at me.

Yesterday I'd worked during the day, got home at 3 and dozed on sofa watching the grandprix. I've hurt my back, and because of how I'd been sitting I was really stiff. I made boys dinner, then asked what he wanted as I wasn't hungry. He said he'd go down the chinese and get a curry. I told him I didn't want to waste the money, and we'd had a takeaway fri, pizza sat so I'd like him to eat something healthy. I had a lasagne in hte freezer and offered to make it. He sais it wouldn't be enough for 2 of us, so I said 'honestly, I'm not hungry. I'm tired and sore and really don't fancy anything to eat'. He went Mad. Told me I was childish, starting opening and slamming the freezer door, asking where the 'fucking lasagne' was, a few other things. I felt a bit bad, thought he was maybe thinking I was whining about being tired, so I got up and got things out the fridge to make a prawn pasta thing he likes. He grabbed them all of me, threw them back in hte fridge , told me he didn't want my fucking food and walked out the house.

Came back 15 mins later, didn't say a word, so I made his dinner, he ate it, watched tv for an hour. A couple of sarcastic comments made (I went upstairs to tell the boys lights out and he's shouting 'goodnight then')After top gear, I say I'm going to go to bed and watch some tv or read, so he jumps up and says he's going to bed, I can do what I want. So upstairs I ask if he's calmed down and can talk about what's wrong. That lead to me being a condesendind selfish cow, I have no respect for him , I don't care about him, he's felt this way for months, I want everything my way and ther's no comprimise. I ask where this has come from, that I can't understand how trying to make his dinner leads to all this, but apparently I'm making that up, I've been out for a fight all evening. I was really upset by this time, started crying, so he says here come the fake tears, oh poor you, everyones so bad, in a very sarcastic way.

Up till now I've kept calm, but at this point I've had enough so I get up, and (I know I shouldn't have said it) said I don't know what happened to the loving bloke that's been around recently, but I think all the niceness and talk of babies was just so he could get more sex' He starts screaming at me 'You fucking idiot, you're a fucking idiot'.

Boys wake up during this, hear what he's calling me, so they get upset. Anyway calm them down, and stayed downstairs till he was asleep.

I was at work before him today. Called to ask if boys were ok thimorning, he asks why they wouldn't be, so I say well hearing you call me a fucking idiot wasnt exectly nice for them. He just says what? they're fine. don't know what you mean. Asked him for an apology, he says sorry, but very, 'ok sorry..have to go now'

He's not like this normally. let the first time go, but he really upset me, adn the boys, last night. I wantt o talk to him about this, but don't want to be 'condesending' or talk down to him, which he said I do.

God, this has turned out way too long, but feels better to get it down.

Ok, that was way too long, too many spelling mistakes,

That doesn't sound trivial to me! Really sorry to hear, it sounds really upsetting for you.

Do you think he really doesn't remember the arguments or is he just avoiding talking about it? Because erratic behaviour and memory loss could be symptoms of all sorts of things which you might need to look into.

But if he's just being difficult then can you pick a moment when you're both calm and try and talk about what happened?

sounds horrid, you poor thing x

God you poor thing

He swears in front of your boys? Horrible.

I don't know what to suggest really, but I'm sure someone will be along with real experience and help for you.

Chin up.

not much to suggest here but this doesn't sound trivial - esp the swearing in front of your boys as others have said.

Is there anything that is making him stress out that has made him snap (I'm not in anyway saying he is reasonable for what he has done) -could it be some kind of displacement (ie he picks on you for daft things as avoiding the real issue)

Wow - he sounds really moody...

My DP has dreadful mood swings. Sometimes a, 'what this really about? helps...

He's being really immature. he needs to articulate a bit better rather than name calling...

It's not just about dinner is it?

Maybe you are being TOO nice! he is behaving like a kid- worse than a kid! if he didn't want what you had offered to cook, then I certainly would not have made him his dinner- he could have got his own food.

Can you suggest to him that you both need to alk and get to the bottom of this? something else is going on.

And stop trying to please him all the time- have some self-respect.

He doesn't normally swear in front of the boys. If we've been arguing in the past, we've gone into the kitchen, or done the 'boys can you go play upstairs while we talk' thing.

I don't want to fight, and I'll apologise for my comment to him, but I'm actually worried to bring it up tonight as I don't want a repeat.

Have to take ds1 to football. Be back soon. Thanks for 'listening'

Does humor snap him out of it? Would, 'hmm, that was a bit of a rough patch...' work?

Sometimes humor works, and sometimes not...

How about: 'fancy a bit of that lasagne?'

or would that make things worse?

Thanks all.

Yes I've been a bit worried about the not remembering, but I thought that was maybe his way of saying 'I don't want to talk about it'

I love my dog, that's a good idea. Will maybe give that a try.

Trying to call him to ask him if he'll get ds1 from footie on the way home, but he's not answering. Gettingme paranoid he's still angry, but hopefully he's just busy at work.

I do pander to him quite a bit. I want to make him happy and relax when's he's home as his work is stressfull. This does piss me off a bit though when it's not reciprocated when I work at the weekend and he sits on his arse and does nothing.

2fedup, you may have a point, and if there's something he's not happy about I would compromise. Just wish if that's the case he could tell me not yell and swear.

Ok, dh got home. (he's gone down shop)

I jokingly said 'what on earth was that all about'

He doesn't remember any of it. He thinks I'm exaggerating. He says that if he did act like that it must be because it was a Sunday and he wasn't looking forward to work today.

I asked him to apologise to the boys. He did, and says sorry to me, but won;t talk about it anymore, just pulls a face a shakes his head.

So now I have to let it go, as I can't be upset for something he doesn't remember , and am left sitting here still feeling angry and upset, while he's all happy and acting as if nothings happened.

Tried to say I'm worried about the lack of memory, but I have been told to 'drop it'.

I have the dr tomorrow for my back, so am going to speak to him.

thanks again all

THis is rather worrying, because I can think of two possible explanations (bearing in mind that I do not know you or your DH or your history so this is all speculation). The first one is that he is trying in some way to undermine or punish you (telling you that what happened did not happen is very dodgy, controlling behaviour).
The second is that something neurological is going a bit wrong. Has he had a bang on the head recently, or has he been complaining of more headaches than usual?

Agree with solidgoldbrass - i also wondered whether he's trying to pick fights and convince himself you're in the wrong somehow.

If he says to 'drop it' it means that he either doesn't have the energy or memory to deal with it. May be his way of saying that he needs a bit of space?

You say that he isn't usually like this, so it's a blip.

Sometimes I think you have to forgive and forget. As long as he's back to normal...

This would worry me, although i am the queen of dragging an argument on, when all i want is resolution and to draw a line under it - its not about getting the last word. My DP and i have been going through a bad patch and we have had some horrible horrible rows, the next day its "forgotten" not as in he doesn't remember, but its done, that was yesterday - move on . Maybe that is the way to be but it can be hard sometimes.

You are in an awkward position because you bringing it up clearly makes him umcomfortable and he reacts badly to this, so its not like you can bring it up when he is calm. Maybe ilovemydog has a point though, you will have to let it lie - something clearly on his mind. I guess you could ask him if something worrying him - if i have something on my mind i can become irrationally narky.

Have you got a Video camera or a digital camera so you could tape it next time? You'd only need 1 minute of film. Or would he smash it out of your hands?

There is no way he is upset about the things he was arguing about. There must be something else and it must be big. He sounds like he is stressed to the eyeballs. Surely you have some inkling as to what has been going on with him in recent weeks?

Thanks all. He's gone to bed now.

I tried to gently broach the fact that I'm concerned he doesn't remember, he started reeling off account numbers, phone numbers, basical said theres nothing wrong with his memory, and he thinks there has been some embelishment.

There really hasn't been, but I let it drop and we've been fine this evening.

He does get very stressed about work, this sometimes does make him very quiet, but he's never taken it out on me before.

He's not had any head bumps. He has been ill recently- he was in hospital for a few nights with pneumonia and it really took it out him. That was 5 or 6 weeks. He seems to have recovered well. (has follow up chest xray and visit to respitory clinic this month).

Amygirl, that's a good idea. i have voice and video recorder on my phone, so if it happens again will use that.

Thanks again all for listening. The fact this is so out of character for him has me more concerned than the actual yelling itself, iyswim.

I'm also worried I have done something to really upset him, though I can't think what.

I'll drop it with him. If he is worried I don't want to add to it.

My DP turned into psycho path about a month ago. Weird stuff, including him screaming at me and DS in his sleep all sorts of abuse.

It was horrible.

My viewpoint as far as his psychotic behavior was turned around into some sort of provocation

Anyway, it turned out that he was in such physical pain, he wasn't sleeping, and the pain was taking all his energy.

He has since gone to the GP who has referred him to a consultant, insisted he take a few weeks off work to take pain killers.

Since this time, he has started to become human again and has admitted that he wouldn't blame me for leaving him based on the last month.

One thing I realized is that it was so important for me to 'win' the argument. I needed to be right, rather than listening to what he was trying to tell me.

I am not saying that you do this, but if this is uncharacteristic behavior for him, then give him the benefit of the doubt and try not to be too harsh until you work out what is causing his him to react as he did...

Ilovemyodg, glad you and your dp have come through this.

Thanks for telling me, has given me a different viewpoint.

This is where I appreciate MN. If I hadn't vented and had the chance to talk it through on here, and get some different perspectives on this I would have started moaning the second him came in tonight.