I am married, but in love with someone else, help!

[TiffanyAteMyBreakfast]

Ok, 'in love with' might be a bit strong. I just feel really confused right now. Here's the story...

Around six years ago I was considering splitting up with my boyfriend, not sure if he was really right for me. Then I found myself pregnant. So we stayed together and have made a go of it. I'd always been strongly attracted to one of his friends, but hadn't really mentally gone there. Shortly after getting pregnant this guy, let's call him A, and I suddenly realised that we had a spark between us. At first this was unsaid - he was engaged to his girlfriend and I was pregnant, but later we had a flirtatious evening at a party where we tentatively grazed lips (not a snog) and stood next to each other saying romantic but impossible things. It was the most exciting night of my life.

My pregnancy continued, and A and I flirted via text message in a fairly low level, infrequent way. I had my baby and, though still driven mad by thoughts of A, I felt I ought to terminate our flirtation as it felt inappropriate and unfair on my partner and our baby.

I was devastated when I learned that A had split with his girlfriend (felt that maybe if I'd not got pregnant me and him could have made a go of things).

Since then he's moved to another country far away, has been married (a rebound hasty thing) and divorced, and is now living with a girlfriend. We're not really in touch but I still think about him a lot. I've had another child. Recently we had email communication - this was all on a polite, above board level, but reading between the lines I'd say that both of us were hinting a little that we felt something for each other.

I've suddenly got this overwhelming urge to email him and tell him that I've always loved him, and feel sad about our missed opportunities, but I feel that I probaly shouldn't. What would it achieve? My own relationship with my husband is ok - a bit boring but he's a lovely bloke and I know he loves me. Half of me thinks I'm just being a bored housewife looking for the excitment of an email flirtation to cheer up these times of drudgery. The other half of me thinks life is short and I should tell this guy how I feel about him.

Has anyone else felt like this? Tell me I'm just being daft and it'll go away.

you are being daft, of course its nice to be wanted. but they are all the same after a couple of fyears ans skiddy underpants, not putting loo seat down and never helping around the house.

LOL at Custy bringing it all back down to earth!!

But you know she's right. The grass can seem greener, but deep down you know that reality would kick in and you wouldnt be any happier than you are now, you'd just have messed up several lives in the process.

The big clue is in your phrase 'bored housewife'. When your life is just ticking along, no new challenges, no excitement - that's the danger time. Make your life more interesting - doesnt matter what you do, but you need to find a way to feel fulfilled without chasing after empty dreams.

Tiffany, could have wrote your post myself! I have loved another man for 20 years. He was a great friend, but we never hooked up because we were never single at the same time. I know he has strong feelings for me too but we've never crossed that line as we are both married. I don't see him very often now, every couple of years or so, which is a blessing. My love for him comes in waves. When I do see him, it hurts so much I can bearly function. Then it fades, and I get to a stage where I can think about him without hurting as much. I have a good marriage (as does he), so neither of us would ever do anything to hurt our partners.

I love my dh very much, but I'll always have strong feelings for this other man (I wish I didn't). I'd love to tell him how I feel, but what would be the point ?? I say to myself .... maybe in the next life, and leave it at that.

I can't offer you any advice except to say stay strong and I know exactly how you're feeling

Custardo you are so cynical

No they are not all the same after a few years

ditto- have been having a similar "conversation" with myself re. a man known for 35 years!

We have toyed with being together all that time since we were engaged as teenagers. He broke it off as he felt too young. he has been married several times, and all the while thought about me, but I couldn't leave my DH and DCs.

It is now too late as he doesn't want another divorce- I am feeling miserable as I know what we had/have is special.

No advice-but you aren't alone.

I had agonising threads on here earlier this year. Met up by accident with old flame of 14 years ago, had wanted him all that time, but we had never been single at the same time. Lost contact, we both had children with someone else, I got married....

To cut a long story short we did cross that line, after wanting each other for 14 years. It was awful. total mind games. I felt guilty to DH and DC's and ended it. He was single and had been for a while. Dh never found out but I still find myself replying to every text OM sends incase he gets funny and tells DH. I am living in fear..but at least my 14 year crush has ended!

i think it is v telling that he showed some interest when he knew you were pregnant? maybe he liked the idea of getting one over your dp? sorry. timing is everything and i do think genuinely nice and interested blokes don't have a problem making it clear at an appropritae time. put it in a box and enjoy what you know.

Thanks Showmeheaven, honestfriend and rascalboys - it's really good to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

I don't know why I have this overpowering urge to suddenly contact him and tell him how I'm feeling.

rascalboys your post is really interesting - I wonder if I was to get it together with this guy whether I'd feel the same as you? I suppose that in a way a big part of me wants to have the opportunity to get together with him at some point to work out what it's all about - whether it's a love worth pursuing or whether it's just a long term crush that I can get out of my system.

I'm trying to throw my energy into getting my career back on track - see if that will distract me.

tiffany, I was so ecstatic at first, I would do anything to spend time with him. But eventually he couldn't handle me being with DH and got psychologically abusive. I'm pregnant now and he's convinced it's his...it's not, 100% not. but I'm so scared he's going to turn up and tell DH.

I am so happy I'm pg as it has given me something positive to focus on with DH but this is hanging around in the background all the time and it's hell.

rb, that sounds like a living hell

I remember your threads from earlier this yr

tiffany, listen to rb, she has been there, the dream is just an empty one and likely to cause you all kinds of heartbreak and pain

there are not many women who come out of this kind of shall I/shan't I dilemma without severe emotional damage, unless you bin these ideas right now

Tiffany- i think you have to try to imagine what the scenario could be if you pursue this- you might not get on as well as you hope. could your run it alongside your marriage to test it out? are you capable of that deceit?

I am not judging as I have been half there myself- snatched meetings, months in between, waiting for the next one.

We have come into and out of each others lives for a LONG time, though not as a full affair. When the time was right for him, it wasn't for me- my kids were young, they were doing GCSEs, then A levels, then just off to uni...I to him to wait til they were older- but he remarried a few years back.

We email and speak now and then but it is agony as I want more now.

I have never wanted to break up my family, but I have never felt for anyone what I feel when I am with him, It is tragic!

He backed off when my kids were younger- we had 6 years with no meetings or much contact- as he wanted to leave me alone. Then he re-married, as he was "sick of waiting for me". I will never know if I made the right decision.it dosn't feel like it in my heart but I have 2 high achieving kids and I have given them a stable home- but at what cost to me? My DH really loves me, but I just think he is "okay".

If you do see this man and if it goes wrong, will your marriage survive? do you want it to survive?
Life's too short to not do stuff- but there is always a price to pay- think what that price might be for you.

Thanks rascalboys, scaryfucker and honest friend, it is so so useful to have other thoughts/opinions/experiences.

Honestfriend you are so right to say that I ought to think about what the 'price' might be either way. Your situation sounds so sad. And yours rascalboys - I'm glad to hear that you've got your pregnancy to focus on.

Thankfully (yet sadly) this man is on the other side of the world at the moment - and I don't have the money or freedom from the kids to go over there. So there's not much I can really do right now, other than confess my feelings for him over email. But the more posts I read here and the more I think about it, the more I think that isn't a good idea, because of what it might lead to in the future when I'm working more and can afford to travel.

There's also the worry that he might not feel the same way as me anymore which would make me look quite a fool! Although in some ways, part of me thinks if I emailed him, and he told me he wasn't interested, then that would be that and I could stop daydreaming.

Dh coming up better dash!

Bloke posting

If he's actually interested he sounds like a total bastard.

Among blokes there usually is (or should be) an inviolable code that you do not fuck your mate's bird without asking him first.

So if your mate's bird comes onto you, you tell him about it. He can then deal with it and afterwards if you feel like it you ask him if he's OK with you shagging her.

Those who do not follow this procedure are not your mates at all.

I feel sorry for him having both a faithless woman and CfM. Poor sod!

When this question gets asked the other way around - "I caught my DH flirting on Facebook and he says it means nothing, the bastard" - what's the usual MN response?

Are you sure you're in love with him or is it the idea of him? Or worse still, the idea of him as he was then. You didn't have a relationship with him, its all what might have been so no I would leave it and walk away. Think of the pain you would be causing everyone you love - would the risk really be worth it? If your marriage is on the rocks thats one thing and you should resolve/work on that before embarking on anything else.

I may well get flamed for this but with marriage comes responsibility, a responsibility to be respectful of your partner and their feelings. Adultery is never acceptable.

IMO you should leave it as a delicious what might have been, fantasise about it if you must but leave it where it belongs...in the past.

"do not fuck your mate's bird without asking him first"

lololol

losthorizons that has got to be the quote of the century love it I wonder how many 'blokes' would say yes? the mind boggles

I have no experience of this so I can't really offer any advice, sounds like a horrid situation to be in though.

What does strike me is how more and more, I'm hearing women saying things like 'DH loves me and I know that, but I think he's just OK.' Sad to hear, sad for both parties I think.

Pmsl at "do not fuck your mate's bird without asking him first"

Think of the OM as a fantasy to enjoy occasionally and nothing more. I agree with Custardo that if you got with him, after you've been together as long as you've been with your DH you will find him just as boring! You probably don't know OM's faults because you haven't lived with him so you still think he is 'perfect' Having him 'on the side' keeps it in the 'honeymoon period' forever. The honeymoon period usually ends. You probably felt similarly about DH at the beginning. It isn't worth it to end up with a similarly satisfying/unsatisfying relationship but having hurt people along the way.

It is hard to see this because your brain's 'falling in love chemicals' try to trick you and they stop you being logical. It is an addiction and I think the only cure is very painful cold turkey.

Anyway, these are the things I tell myself when my heart hurts for my OM (except it is fairly safe as he doesn't want me anymore).

< wonders if anyone has ever asked my bloke if he can fuck his bird >

pmsl

i'm wondering what happens if anyone's bloke has ever said "yes,go ahead....have her!!"

He does sound a little ... flighty

In just over five years has been engaged to woman1, married woman2 and is now living with woman3.

I'm not sure that as woman4 it would have a very happy ending...

Hmmmm lots of interesting perspectives here. Thanks all.

I'm kind of pleased (in a way) that this is all coming to a head - I've been boring the pants off my mum and a couple of friends, and you lot here on MN and getting it off my chest is helping me work it through.

What I'm realising is that, sadly, the real problem probably lies with my marriage. I just don't feel we have much in common any more (if we ever did). I think what I have to do is address that first, talk to dh, see if there's a way we can put things right, and if not, I suppose ultimately I'll have to seriously consider whether I'd be better on my own.