How would you handle this? kind fof a WWYD.

[DustyTv]

Whenever my MIL comes round (Step FIL doesnt really come round anymore but that is another story)
She will make convosation by asking me a question, usually one that requires more than a yes or no, then when I begin to answer her she starts talking over me or to DH or babay talk to DD.

I find it incredibly rude, but bite my tongue and stop talking. It makes me want to give her yes or no answers and not to elaborate, but I think that would be rude from me.

WWYD

I have my own theories as to why she does this, I would never voice my concerns re that to DH, but i is beggining to wear me down to the stage where I generally try to stay out of the way when she is here.

does she generally have poor conversational skills, or do you feel she is deliberately talking over you/isn't interested in what you have to say?

My MIL is the same and I never managed to stop her despite answering her VERY loudly sometimes to make her listen. Afraid I just stay out of her way as much as I can now. Sorry, not much help......

We have the same MIL obviously. Mine also asks me a question, I answer and then a few minutes later, she asks dh the same question. I find it utterly infuriating.

We have found that the only way to deal with it is for dh to step in with a passive aggressive nice "oh I think dw was talking then mum" or "could you wait a minute mum until dw has finished her sentence". She does sulk for a while but it's the only way to deal with it.

It's taken 10 years and me never bringing it up (used to rant and it made dh feel awful) for dh to recognise on his own that while no real malice is involved, there is some unhappiness that her pfb is married to and living a full life with another woman. And I do sympathise, since having dc I understand what it is like to love your own child so we try to be gentle.

TC, I do suspect that it is her way of undermining (for want of a better word) me. Ever since DD came along she has changed and not for the better. We used to have uite a good MIL DIL relationship and I would like to get that back.

Indeed I have been trying to get that back, by inviting her for lucnh here in the week when she can spend time with DD and be waited on etc. I personnaly feel that she is jelous, partly of me but more of DD (I know I will get flamede for that) as DH she is no longer DH's first, nor am I but I don't care. I may be way off the mark but that is how it is comming accross to me.

SC, that is what I feel like doing, staying out of her way when she is here, doing the cleaning or having a long soak in the bath

I really feel for DH because MIL cant seem to be bothere with DD, it is all about MIL IYSWIM. DH will sit there and tell MIL about what DD has done etc but MIL just changes the subject round to how ill she is or how much money she has

Scrooge, you have hit the nail on the head there!!!!

I do like my MIL, we have always gotten on, but she has chaned a lot since we got married nearly 5 years ago and more since DD was born

You would never voice your concerns about why she does it to DH? But can you just comment on it to him?

My MIL does this, I usually start the visit by waiting until she's finished and then saying "Where were we, oh yes..." or "As I was saying earlier..." and then answering the question. By the end of the visit I just give up. DH thinks its hilarious I even try! However, although he would never approach MIL about this, we do talk about it ourselves. Its a wonderful bonding experience for me and DH to spend the evening after their visit (or the drive home if we g oto them) recanting all the things she's said or done that time

x-posts scrooge - the comments must work even better coming from someone else!

DH doesn't see it, he is a product of his up bringing, most of his family while really nice people are rude in this was and more. I found it a as my family are not like that.

I wouldn't speask to DH about it, he probably notices but the sun shines out of MIL's bum when it comes to DH and she can do no wrong. Plus DH is usually upset when MIL has been because she seems uninterested in DD, it hurts him. The last thing he needs is me having a go or moaning.

I sympathise. I do. I did have and sometimes still do have a good relationship with MIL, but something tangible changed when we got married (after 6 years of living in sin) and then another perceptible shift when we had dd. I do find that she can be unrealistic and demanding about our time but it's loosely directed at wanting dh to be there.

I try to tell myself that it's not malice, she's just missing her child and rueing the passing of time. I wonder if I'll feel the same to some extent one day.

To an outsider it seems ridiculous but little comments like 'oh it's good to have x [my dh] at home where he belongs' whenever we visit or if dh talks about a work issue for example she will say 'I'm glad you came to me about it, sometimes only your mum can help'. It's a desire to be needed I know, especially since dh's younger siblings have started moving on and away.

We're off there for dinner this evening and I'm all prepared for the comments. I even smile at them. Except 'my baby' in reference to my dd. That drives me mad. I distinctly remember that I was in labour forever with said child.

Ahhh scrooge, we do have the smae MIL

I get all the small comments like that too, designed so that DH doesn't pick up on them but we will
I also get the back handed comments, such as 'oh you look just awful was it hard' after a 59 hour labour with DD. I felt like screaming WTF are you on about woman, of course it was bloody hard like the equivlient of getting a football out of your nostril you stoopid stoopid woman. But I didn't I just nodded and probably fell assleep

Looks like I will just have to keep out of her way when she comes here, but it feels like hiding in my own house.

Also, can someone tell my WWYD WRT Xmas przzies.
I usually buy MIL a prezzie from DH, myself and DD each. Last year I got her a really nice smellies set (MIL likes smellies)
But she gave it back to me as my B-day prezzy this year, I was shocked, but I think she forgot I gave her it IYSWIM.
I haven't used it and vowed to let DH sort her prezzies from now on.
DH has now started to say to me 'what are you getting DM for xmas from you?' and I don't know what to say.
My dad siad to give her the smellies back, but I don't know if I can do that.
WWYD

Give her the smellies back, definitely!

OMG Scrooge and Dusty....I too have the same MIL I have mellowed with age tho and as we don't see them that often, I have learnt to bite my tongue.
Any reference to DH I just smile but if MIL comments on DS then I am like a lion protecting her cub
MIL very often asks me a question and then asks DH the very same question. One time, she did this and I overheard MIL telling DH to ignore my stance on whatever question she asked was and to go with her opinion!! Luckily, DH told me this and we had one of those 'ha,ha...that's funny...BUT you do agree with me don't you!?' conversations.

start giving a family gift. there is no need for her to have 3 separate gifts! but i do like the idea of giving the smellies back!

lol, I must admit when my dad siad to give her them back I had a devils moments of thinking, hmm well should I. TBH, I might give her them from DD, then at least she cant say anything can she.

I think this is war. I'd like to think i'd have the guts to give her the smellies back. would probably chicken out but how about something mildly insulting that you know she doesn't like?
or you and dh give her a joint present - then she is stuffed, will have to like it because dh gave it to her but will want to hate it because you gave it to her? make sure it is good and expensive. and give the smellies back from dcs?

Kat, that is a good idea, I had to put my foot down with DH as he was talking about buying her a lord of the rings book for about £50 and when we are struggling to find money for food at the minute I had to say no.

One of DH's friends is a profesional photographer and she has done sme wonderful pics of DD for us, so I am going to choose one each for MIL and Step FIL, My parents and Fil and~Step MIl, with a small joint type prezzie from us. That is all we can afford.

lol at this is war

My mil also does this - but to be honest a lot of people do so you need to decide whether this is just how she is or whether it's person (does she do it to everyone else).

My mil also thinks ds is her baby to the point when ds was once with a high temperature and it took him to the local walk in centre (had to take mil as well), she was clinging on to him crying and when ds asked for mummy she responded - although she doesn't speak English is was apparent to the entire waiting room something was a bit wrong with her!

Presents - well she doesn't say thanks or anything in fact dh's entire family are rude like that - just how they are.

If your mil talks over you talk over her back - if she doesn't appreciate presents - odn't get her any.

I now am just as rude as I need to be in response to everything - not ideal - but killing them with kindness just does not seem to work with them!

Tryingherbest, As far as I know she is just like it with me. She was never like this before DH and I got married, she started it after DH and I got married and it got worse when DD was born.

I would love to do the talking over her thing, but I don't have the guts, I suppose that is why she carries on doing it

No she never says thankyou for pressies or stuff like that, I suppose if I let DH buy her a pressy from him and give her the smellies back from DD, she probably wont notice none from me Might be really mean and get her something from the pound shop

definitely one word answers from now on. and yes, i'd give her the smellies from dd. we always give joint presents from both of us to someone, so i'd do that from now on. whatever your dh gives her, is from you too.

i understand not having guts to stand up to her too much, but certainly in small subtle ways, you HAVE to.

Do you mean like playing her at her own game warthog, small subtle back handed coments that DH wont even bat an eyelid at, but she will know what I am talking about

I like it

Dusty - so that's not her normal way - I must admit when I get excited I sometimes talk over people and then check myself!

She sounds a real charmer - DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED. Play her at her own game - you must ask her lots of questions and talk over the answers. What a rude cow she is!

Sounds like she is trying to put you down and I think that lots of dil/mil relationships go a bit sour once dcs come along - do not be intimiated. She has her role as grandma and you have yours as MUM and WIFE. She needs reminding where on the food chain she is.

Now I must go and listen to my own advice here!

My MIL lost the plot when I was pregnant and we dont see her anymore! Quite glad actually, she was so emotionally draining.
\But with your MIL, I would treat her questions like a game of ping pong - just send it back to her. Something like "What do you think?" or "Oh, ask DH about it."
And pinch his bum when he walks past - just to see her reaction, have some fun with it!

tryingherbest, I think that is her biggest problem, I think she never actually expected us to get married as we had no spare money to have the wedding, then my parents offered to pay for it.
Also I still think it come down to jelousy, although she would never admit it, WRT to DD. DD is the apple of her daddys eye and MIL is no longer number one in her sons life.

In a way I can understand why she feels like that, but she cannot expect DH to not have relationships or children just because she doesn't like being lower on the pecking order.

QwertyQueen, I like your ideas , MIL would hate that.