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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with exp - oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!

26 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 01/11/2008 23:25

I have been broken up with exp for a few months and he keeps calling me all the time and I have tried to keep him at a distance.

But last night I slept with him as I was drunk. And it was me that made the move as I have been feeling so horny and he was there and I just had to have him. God what a massive mistake. He tried to say no but I said to him don't worry we will just sleep together tonight then not mention it again.

I really don't know why I had to do that, maybe if I meet someone else I wont be in that situation again. I feel so stupid. And the worst thing is that it was great sex and I never worry about my body when I am with him, I just let go and enyoy it all.

I really dont want to get back with him and he knows that is the case, but I do not feel likle it was last time ever sex if you know what I mean. Not that I can ever remember having last time sex.

OP posts:
sparkybabe · 02/11/2008 10:44

Soetimes sex is only sex. We do have needs you know! You would eat with him/talk to him etc, it's a basic human response. I get horny after a few too, but I would never go do it with someone I dont know. If you feel safe with him, why not?

scaryfucker · 02/11/2008 19:48

I know you feel traumatised by this, but I really don't see that this is such a big problem.

Enjoy it for what it was. Unless he is now going to think you are going to get back together, just chalk it up as a friendly fuck, resolve not to get in that situation again (unless you want to ) and move on.

noonki · 02/11/2008 20:09

It usually is good sex, that sex with an ex!

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 02/11/2008 20:33

I think the reason I feel it is a problem is because I am still really attracted to him but know our relationship will never work, and I worry that by sleeping with him I will just keep the feelings going.

I know if I wanted to get back with him he would come back but as I say it will never work with us.

I just can't stop thinking about how good the sex was and I want more.

I thought if I posted this thread everyone would come and tell me how stupid I am but sounds like you are all encourging it lol.

I suppose when you finally end a realationship you are entitled to a few ex shags arn't you?

Its just so complicated as we have dd together so I can never stop talking to him completely which is difficult when you are really attracted to someone that you could of done anything with in bed and you know you could have them anytime you like...

OP posts:
scaryfucker · 02/11/2008 22:25

ah now, you didn't say you were still soft on him!

yep, sleeping with him, nice and familiar as it is, will not help if you need that steely resolve to keep your relationship on a sensible footing

is up to you really, if you think you can keep the emotions outta it, many people keep their exes as fuckbuddies for a little while

would also be very confusing for your dc, which may be the best reason to keep him at arms length if you are sure the relationship is over

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 10:04

well it really does need to be over as there have een to many problems, but we both have a lot of feelings for each other.

I don't think i would be able to keep my feelings out of it atall...

OP posts:
scaryfucker · 03/11/2008 12:28

then make sure you don't get into that position again....

you can do it

jasper · 03/11/2008 12:38

why would the relationship not work?

conkertree · 03/11/2008 14:35

yup I echo that jasper - if you both have feeling for each other, why couldnt it work?

Could these things not be worked on and got around?

filz · 03/11/2008 14:36

i think its a complete headfuck to keep doing this

sparkybabe · 03/11/2008 15:43

I still say sex is just sex. Who needs feelings to do it? Just go with it, like you would if he asked you to pour him a drink, or make a sandwich.

filz · 03/11/2008 16:17

she has feelings for him though, thats the problem. So it just isnt 'sex'

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:25

it is such a long story of why we would not work read this

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:28

scarfucker - i do not let him into my house as know if i do we will just drift back into a relationship, I am trying to keep him at a distance, but not very successfully as we keep chating on the phone way too much.

But there are times when we need to spend time together like xmas etc s dd is still very young.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:29

sparkybabe - I can do the no feelings sex but not with him as I do have feelings for him. If it was another guy I'm sure it would be fine, not that I have tried this theory out for years as have been with exp for 5years now.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:31

filz - I agree it is a head fuck, I really do not know how to move on, the only way I can move on is to never talk to him again which would never happen as we have dd.

OP posts:
scaryfucker · 03/11/2008 16:37

come on, cantpickyourfamily, you are both grown-ups

you have some will-power dont you?

two people who still fancy each other can be in the same room as each other without jumping into bed

lay off

  1. alcohol
  2. reminiscing about the "good times"
  3. being alone too long, do things with the kids at all times
Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:40

of course I have will power, I can stop myself from sleeping with him. But the problem is how I feel not weather or not I sleep with him.

also I very rarely drink so that is not a problem.

OP posts:
scaryfucker · 03/11/2008 16:44

sorry, didn't mean to be bossy, I was thinking of the Xmas situation which you mentioned

you have to harden your heart then, not easy

I guess in these situations, only time (and a new interest/bloke?) will help

and resolve not to sleep with him again, just draw a line under it, just a silly mistake

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 16:50

thats ok, some times you need someone to be straight talking.

I have been trying to distance myself from him and felt better for it, but when I am in constant contact wit him it is difficult.

I think your right, being involved with a new guy probably would help. But feel that I do not want to have another guy around my dd untill I am very sure about him so it would have to be a casual thing.

OP posts:
filz · 03/11/2008 17:17

I dont want to sound like your mother but...

have a bit of self respect

I dont know the background of your relationship but something serious has obviously happened as you are now apart. The last thing you need is for your self esteem to be chipped at because you will start to believe he is the only man who will want you and also you will start to feel used for sex, eventually. We are all human but try to think long term and how this could pan out. If it is fucking with your head already then i think you know the answer

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 19:27

yes you are right, I think just need to have as little contact with him as possible.

But when ever I do that he just keeps calling and builds it up untill we are talking all the time.

I just need to be strong I think and stay away from him...

OP posts:
izyboy · 03/11/2008 19:46

Why did you not go for joint relationship therapy if you dont mind me asking?

BBBee · 03/11/2008 19:51

are you sleeping with anyone else or have you? that might help.

Original poster
cantpickyourfamily · 03/11/2008 19:53

did you read my other post which I gave a link to?

he was going to do a lie detector test to prove he had not been unfaithful then we were going to have couples counselling to help us work through our problems, but we had an argument and he was then violent towards me so we broke up completely after that.

OP posts: