Please, some kind words of support needed!!!

[mampam]

I'm feeling a whole mixture of emotions at the moment, for whole number of different reasons that I just need to get it all off my chest.

Everything seems to be getting on top of me at the moment. I have an exh and his wife that treat me with such contempt that you would have thought that I had done something to them (his wife was the OW). Exh and I have both married again, but his wife just will not move on. She seems to have some kind of vendetta against me, for which I do not know why (have posted about this before). She continually undermines decisions made by exh and I with regards to our dc's, she'll do anything to try and cause conflict between ex and I and the list goes on. I do not have a problem with them, so I just do not understand why they she has such a problem with me. I just want to get on with my life. This has been going on for over 4 years now and to be truthful I'm really starting to find the whole situation so draining.

The next thing is that I have inlaws who absolutely hate me with a passion (have posted about this before as well!), to cut a long story short FIL has shouted at me and called me names and refused to apologise, they both turned up to our wedding and ignored me the whole day and wouldn't smile for any of the wedding photo's, MIL ignored DH at her fathers funeral because I was there with him and the list goes on. DH doesn't have much to do with them anymore but inlaws have got all of their family on their side and have turned it around so that is seems to be DH thats 'doing this to them'. I feel very sorry for DH as he is an only child and he feels he doesn't have any family now because they are all on his parents 'side'. In truthfulness there shouldn't be 'sides' as all it would have taken was an apology from his parents which they refused to do,until recently when MIL left a message on DH's phone saying 'I'm sorry for whatever!'. This has been going on for over 18months now and I feel guilty (although I know I am not to blame) because he has fallen out with his family because of me. I feel like it's a burden I'm carrying around on my shoulders.

Sorry, there's more......I work evenings, which I started doing so I could be around during the day to take and pick up the kids from school and in the school holidays I don't have to pay for childcare and I generally get to spend more time with them in the holidays too. Well I feel almost ashamed to admit it but I can't hack these late nights anymore. I am so tired all the time. Sometimes I don't get home til after midnight and then I cannot go straight to bed, I need some wind down time and then I'm up early the next day with dc's. My afternoons are such a rush, I pick dc's up from school, come home, start cooking tea, get myself ready, do kids reading and spellings with them, eat tea say hi/goodbye to dh and I'm out the door to drive to work. I feel so ill all the time because I'm so overtired. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks which is worse the more tired I am. DH and I get to spend little time together as he works 6 days which at points is quite stressful on our relationship. I can not afford to give up work so I am stuck.

Anyway thanks for reading this far, I do feel a whole lot better for having a bit of a rant. I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I just want to cry. Any words of encouragement/support will be gratefully received!!

no wise words but couldnt leave you like this, hope it gets better soon stay strong

Mampam

It sounds like everything feels overwhelming and insurmountable. I really feel for you.

Have you seen your GP re: Anxiety/panic attacks?

Could you cut back on your working hours rather than give it up or even make plans to cut back in the near future?

can you have a sleep in the afternoon? it is not surprising it is catching up on you. tiredness has a habit of making everything seem worse.

mampam, you posted before and I was pretty harsh. Won't be this time I promise, i do know how horrible things can be.

You have got a lot on your plate.

1. about your dc's stepmum - it's a bummer isn't it? Just keep telling yourself 'her problem her problem her problem' and stay firm. They are your and xdh's kids and that's that. Maybe try to understand why she has such a vendetta/feels she has to do this? is she jealous?
2. this dh family thing - why do they hate you and resent you so much? Is it because they are nuts? or because of something they think you did? if they are just foul then thank goodness your dh has stuck with you. brilliant. there are plenty on mumsnet who would happily wave their inlaws goodby forever. BUT recognise that they have apologised - not a great apology to be sure but an apology, which is what you wanted. Be big. give it another go. and if they carry on being foul then you have ground for cutting free completely
3. you are NUTS!!! to have this evening job! of course it is too much. while you are knackered and resentful you will never get peace in your life. something has got to give.

so i do appreciate you are in a tough position, but please please pick one problem and have a go at fixing it. you will feel fantastic if you do

Thanks everyone. I think that because I am so tired that I have let everything mount up and once one thing starts to drag you down thats it everything gets you down.

Have seen GP about anxiety many times before but they don't seem to take me seriously at all. Have had this since ds was born (he's 5 1/2 now), was put on anti depressants for a while but have been off them for 4 years now.

DH has given his parents many chances over the last 18months and they have not taken any of them. They try to be very controlling of DH and I guess that when I came into his life and he wanted some independance away from them means that I am the big bad wolf. They are very manipulative people and I've no doubt that if DH gives them another chance they will try to get him right back where they want him. However DH doesn't want to give them another chance. He feels that it's too little too late and if they were sincerely sorry that they would've apologised a long time ago. I just wish that DH would make his mind up once and for all, he either does want to have something to do with his parents or he doesn't. He seems to have got us into a state of limbo at the moment.

I am trying to get a job that is during the day but the logistics of it are quite complicated. We live in a very rural area with no childminders in the area. The shool do not have a breakfast club or after school club. It's difficult but hopefully I'll get there in the end.

MamPam, you have SO much to deal with! And you sound so strong. But you shouldn't have to do all this, it would be too much for anyone! It sounds like you have tried to do all the right things for everybody and been very reasonable, but it doesn't sound like you have looked after yourself , and you do deserve to be looked after.

ExH's wife just feels threatened by you and is scared ExH might still have feelings for you or compare her to you. Not your fault, try to ignore her.

DH's parents want to still feel important by being needed by DH and don't like it that you have taken over a lot of this role. Again, not your fault. This is their problem and they need to learn to be happy and have self esteem without needing your DH to be dependent on them.

It is very hard for your DH to contemplate cutting off from them (we have a natural instinct not to cut off from our parents whatever they have done). Each good thing they do/say will break his resolve to avoid them, then they will do another thing that makes him feel crap and so it goes on. This must be really frustrating for you, but all you can do is encourage him to talk to you about it, support him whatever he decides to do about them and remain 'polite' with them and don't give them any excuse to use you as a scapegoat for their negative feelings. In time he might become clearer about what he needs to do to stop getting hurt by them (and stop you getting hurt by them as well).

Try not to 'take on' everybody else's problems too much and try to think of ways you can take care of yourself. If you don't you will soon run out of mental and physical resources to help anyone.

mampam- as aactngnormal points out she feels threatened by you. Can you try the tactic of being really nice to her + telling her (in a nice but direct way) that you really don't want exH back.

Also- given all the other pressures, you need to be supportive of DH situation with parents. I would try not to betray any impatience in re: his relationship with parents. YOu need to reciprocate his patience.

I can normally cope with ex and his wife when I haven't got anything else to deal with. I have tried all sorts of tactics with her (although I wouldn't ever be nasty because a) I don't want to stoop to her level and b) it's not in my nature). If ever I have to talk to her (concerning dc's) she is just so rude to me. It makes DH so cross because he says imagine if he spoke to ex like that, it just wouldn't be tolerated, as after all ex is dc's father so that in itself demands some kind of respect.

The situation with dh's parents is a very complex one indeed, and aside from that, I have a lot of complex emotions regarding the situation. Although I would certainly NEVER try to influence DH one way or the other with regard to his parents as it is totally his decision as to what he wants to do about it I would be very apprehensive if he wanted to have contact with them again for a couple of reasons really:

a)When FIL came into our house shouting at me, pointing his finger, calling me names and blaming everything that seemed to be wrong in anyones life on me, he was so aggressive it actually frightened the living daylights out of me, so much so that I had nightmares for 2 weeks afterwards about it and that was when my panic attacks and anxiety started again.

b) because they made me feel so awful about myself, so unliked and unwanted and I felt so bullied by them that at that stage I contemplated killing myself on more than one occasion. That was a dark place that I never ever want to go back to again.

DH and I came so close to splitting up over it all, it got to the stage where my Dad was going to help me to put a deposit down on my own place to get me the hell out of there. I think the only thing that stopped me was that I have a stubborn streak in me and I knew if I left DH that they would have won.

ActingNormal, I know about the 'keep going back for more' thing with your parents because thats what I do with my own mother. My mother has said and done some vile things to me (not as bad as in-laws though) but I keep going back for more in the hope that one day she will give me the approval I so desperately seek from her but she still continues to cut me down, yet I get up and go back for more!! So I do know what DH is going through. There is a major difference though between my situation with my mother and DH's situation with his parents and it's that my situation doesn't affect anyone else except me and my mum. DH's situation affects him, me and dc's as they have been quite nasty about dc's also.

ToughDaddy, doesn't the fact that I am married to someone else clearly state to her that I most certainly do not want him back!!!? They even asked mutual friends of ours not to come to my wedding!! So on my wedding day I had the inlaws ignoring me and guests not turning up because they felt caught between a rock and a hard place!! What a great day to look back on!!