Still bitter about behaviour of 'friend' a year ago

[FluffyFish]

When my dp and I got together a friend of mine, who is married, saw we were getting together and tried to stop it, first by telling him some bad things about me (some true, some not) and then by trying to pull him. This was after several years of her always trying to pull people her friends are interested in, perhaps trying to prove she is sexier or more attractive. The bad things incidentally I told my dp anyway, and made no differene to our relationship, except he;d heard them from her not from me which should never have happened.

I found this all out once we did properly get it together and gave her a wide bearth. She noticed and confronted me some time later about why I was not talking to her. Later transpired she was got pregnant shortly after the incident and she obviously thought I wasn't talking to her because she was pregnant and I'm not (I have always wanted children and she thought I was jealous). We patched things up eventually even though many of my friends said I shouldn't ever talk to her again, but we are part of a big group of old friends and if I didn't speak to her it would make it awkward.

We just see each other as part of the group now which I think suits both of us just fine, and it is forgotten. So why I am still so angry? Am I being unreasonable?

Some friend!
I wouldn't want to see someone so toxic ever again.

I'd still be angry too.

YANBU

You're angry because she was a complete cow, who couldn't even recognise the fact that her behaviour was the problem. YANBU.

YANBU to still be angry.

BUT, she sounds toxic and anger is such a negative emotion.

Why not start cutting her a wide berth again? I mean, from your OP it sounds like you'll never be able to trust her again (with good reason).

I think it's worth finding ways to see your other old friends without her - it's quite possible that many of them have problems with her, but everyone is putting up with her so as not to rock the boat. I know I'd have trouble acting neutral around someone who had done those things to me - you say it's "forgotten", but what you mean is that you avoid mentioning it, which is not the same thing at all.

The thing is, she can be great fun. One of those friends who when she's being brilliant is great and when she's vile she's awful.

I think I am concerned because a) I know she thinks I was in the wrong over being so angry about this and b) because some of her behaviour is because she has had difficult life and is damaged by past relationships so maybe there's an excuse?

Well, if you don't want to avoid her altogether then I can see two ways forward

1. Talk to her, try to get her to understand why you were so angry, and why you think what she did was terrible. At best, she might see the truth in it and apologise, at worst she may continue to think it's your fault for overreacting, but you'd hopefully have cleared the air

1. Decide to forgive her, even though she doesn't think she's done wrong. Accept that she is a flawed human being but recognise her good points and accept that she is what she is and can't/won't change. That way you would stop feeling bitter, though obviously you'd still be cautious about trusting her in future.

You're still angery cos you never told her why you were angry in the first place.

I know the kind of friend who is a good laugh one minute and a crashing nightmare the next. You just have to decide if the former is worth the latter. Sometimes it is and sometimes not - and her background has nothing to do with it. You don't have to be friends with people even if you can see why they behave the way they do.

um.. angry, obviously.