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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ok - so what is being unfaithful?

25 replies

cantbe · 27/10/2008 22:15

Is it being emotionally attached to someone else?

Cuddling?

Kissing?

Sexual touching?

Or are you faithful until you actually have sex with someone else?

Any of the above, or something else?

OP posts:
feelingbitbetter · 27/10/2008 22:19

All of the above IMO - except perhaps cuddling if it is purely platonic.

ScareyBitchFeast · 27/10/2008 22:20

why?
now what have you done

sleepycatonabroomstick · 27/10/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 22:23

doing anything you wouldn't be happy for your partner to see?

pookybear · 27/10/2008 22:23

Did you watch sundays offering of Lark Rise to Candleford? That's a good example of the many ways of being unfaithful and the effect it can have is just as bad as having a physical relationship, sometimes its worse.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 22:25

I haven't seen it pooky- can you explain?

witcheseve · 27/10/2008 22:29

Does anyone know what defines being unfaithful for a divorce petition? Having sex for definite. That I would class as being unfaithful.

BitOfFun · 27/10/2008 22:34

Isnt there something that gets cited in divorces like "alienation of affection" or similar? That seems to cover emotional affairs, but maybe I am taking my info from too much Amerrican tv!

PottyCock · 27/10/2008 22:36

anything that would make me cross.

that includes:
cuddling (in a certain manner)
kissing
groping
shagging.

PottyCock · 27/10/2008 22:36

OH

PottyCock · 27/10/2008 22:37

AND

anything smutty to do with t'internet or mobile phones and another individual.

lou33 · 27/10/2008 22:37

anything you wouldnt want your partner catching you doing

harpsichordcarrier · 27/10/2008 22:40

becoming "emotionally attached" to someone else surely happens all the time. I think it is pretty unrealistic to expect that your partner will never be fond of someone else, ever.
I know my dh has developed attachments with other people, I would not consider it infidelity unless he had physical contact or started to put that person before me (or the children).
I think the expectation never to have any intimacy with anyone else, ever, leads to a great deal of unhappiness.
imo

NK65alot · 28/10/2008 00:38

By these definitions I don't think a man exists whom hasn't been unfaithful at some time

HappyWoman · 28/10/2008 07:37

I think you can do anything as long as your partner is happy with it.

It is the 'allowing' one party to believe there is more and letting them make life choices based on a promise.

Everyone can make mistakes too. It is the deliberate betrayal of someone and not giveing them the chance to lead their own life.

Generally i think if you would not be happy to tell your partner then it is being unfaithful - or if you would not be happy to think of your partner in a similar situation.

LostProphet · 28/10/2008 07:45

For me - cuddling with intent (if that makes sense, not just a friendly hug), kissing, sexual touching, "emotional affair" - you can be attracted to other people, I expect that, but don't act on it/tell them etc

honestfriend · 28/10/2008 08:13

For me- full sex.

It was a line I didn't cross and although I think my behaviour wasn't good, I did feel I hadn't crossed a certain line.

I think now that the physical "acts" are lessof an issue- it's what goes on in your head that counts- if the OM takes up a lot of space and energy, then that is no different to having a physical relationship- you are still behaving as if you would rather be with someone else.

MurderousMarla · 28/10/2008 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brightwell · 28/10/2008 08:18

Anything you are not being completely honest about to your spouse/partner.

NotDoingTheHousework · 28/10/2008 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

honestfriend · 28/10/2008 08:25

I don't think there IS one answer to this- it's what matters to the person concerned.

I have known men who dearly love their wives but who have had sex with other women ( not me!) for all kinds of reasons- but they always go back to their wives and in their minds love them, as the sex was often without emotions, or very few emotions.

On the other hand, I have known situations where the depth of conversation, the emotional involvement and even just holding-hands has been more erotic than full sex .

Why do you ask?

Is it because you want to feel "okay" about what you are doing and need a yardstick to measure your behaviour?

I think only you knows what goes on in your head and whether the relationship with another person is threatening your marriage and if you have "left it" emotionally.

MrsTittleMouse · 28/10/2008 08:32

Anything when you would be very uncomfortable if your DH/DP came in and caught you. That's our definition, anyway.

TracksuitLover · 28/10/2008 09:56

You've got to be careful, unless you want to leave your DH. I had a 'thing' with another man a while back. At first it was just talking about how attractive we found each other. That seemed fine, I didn't feel in danger of doing anything else at that time, but the thought had been planted in our minds. Next it was casually putting our arms round each other and then dancing close, which seemed slightly 'naughty' but we didn't feel too guilty. We actually talked about whether what we were doing was crossing the line and kept persuading ourselves/each other that it wasn't because we wanted to carry on and not feel too guilty to carry on.

So it got more and more intimate until it went 'all the way', at which point he put a stop to it and I got hurt because I had got more and more emotionally attached without even realising until it ended.

I deserved for it to hurt of course and I deserved it that I had to suffer it on my own (couldn't tell DH, had to carry on as normal at home and blame my crying, when I couldn't control it, on other things). Friends weren't going to be very sympathetic when DH had done nothing to deserve it and I should know better than to be so stupid at my age.

What I'm trying to warn you about is even if you don't feel you are being unfaithful at the moment, what you are doing could make you in danger of doing more, and the more you do, the harder it is to stop because being in lust/love is like an addiction. Then when it ends it can hurt so much (and for a long time) that it really wasn't worth it, and if your DH found out, even worse, life destroying, just because of an addictive craving for the excitement of it, which might feel meaningful at the time but really it is just your body's drugs taking over.

I know in future I will treat the danger of falling in lust/love with someone else with as much caution as being tempted to try an addictive drug. Don't even start it, unless you want to leave your DH.

Maybe other people aren't as prone to the addiction of it as me, I don't know.

HappyWoman · 28/10/2008 10:03

what a lovely post as a think it shows how easy it is to happen. Unfortunately not many think of it before it happens, and the mess it leaves behind is huge.

HappyWoman · 28/10/2008 10:03

what a lovely post as a think it shows how easy it is to happen. Unfortunately not many think of it before it happens, and the mess it leaves behind is huge.

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