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Relationships

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Original poster

DH doesn't appear at all bothered that I've become close to another man

22 replies

makehimcare · 26/10/2008 21:38

We've been married 16 years and everything's fine. Not like it was at the beginning,but I love him dearly, he's always there if I need him, great father....Only slight complaint is that he doesn't seem to want me physically, although if I make the first move he's always ready and willing and when we do do it it's great.

Recently I've been spending a lot of time with an old male friend. We have been platonic friends for a very long time, but recently I have realised that my friend may have other ideas (honestly had no idea until recently) I have told DH about this, his response was simply that the man has good taste. Since then I have repeated asked DH if it's OK with him if I go out with my friend (again) and DH has never voiced a single objection. In fact positively encourages me to go and have a good time.

Is he really so lovely that he trusts me completely, or is he hoping that this man might take his (DH's) sexual obligations away from him?

OP posts:

yerblurt · 26/10/2008 21:41

maybe he's quite depressed?

Original poster

makehimcare · 26/10/2008 21:57

That made me think yerblurt but I don't think so. He's very busy at work, but still throwing himself into playing with the DC's and had a good night out himself on Fri.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 26/10/2008 21:58

He probably trusts you 110%. Dont betray that trust now....

EffiePerine · 26/10/2008 21:59

so do you want to provoke a fight with him? It sounds like - you;d be better off actually talking to him rather than prodding him like this.

twinsetandpearls · 26/10/2008 22:00

I think it sounds like he trusts you. You are lucky to have that,

PoppyCock · 26/10/2008 22:02

agree with effie. plus are you being fair to this bloke, are you letting him think he's in with a chance? is he?

ToughDaddy · 26/10/2008 22:02

per EffiePerine- you could ask him (DH)?

DragonJota · 26/10/2008 22:04

Um - he trusts you.

I have a male friend who would take things in a different direction if I gave him the chance.

I still see him and DH knows. We trust each other and he (DH) knows I would never do anything with this bloke as I see him purely as a friend.

Sometimes it's very easy to look for problems where they may not actually exist

beaniescreamyb · 26/10/2008 22:06

he really so lovely that he trusts you completely, Don't abuse that trust.

If you haveissues about your sex life then talk to him about it!

ScareyBitchFeast · 26/10/2008 22:06

do you want him to be possessive and jealous and rant and rave and say NO, you can't see this bloke?

has he ever been possessive?

either he is hiding his worry - or he trusts you - particularly as you have been open about it

ToughDaddy · 26/10/2008 22:11

Also, if the wifey decides that she wants to get up to something, huffing and puffing probably wouldn't do any good. Quite a few blokes would chill and see how it goes. Then there is the outside possibility that he actually isn't fussed.

traceybath · 26/10/2008 22:16

I'd say he there are three options:

he totally trusts you and believes you have a good marriage so isn't worried
he's just not bothered
he's got some-one else and would be relieved if you got together with some-one else (very unlikely i'm sure)

If i were you i'd just ask him why he doesn't seem bothered as i would be in his situation.

solidgoldskullonastick · 26/10/2008 22:19

Either he trusts you not to have sex with the other man or he is one of those people who is not that fussed about sexual exclusivity ie he understands that you are not a possession and that having sex with someone else wouldn't necessarily be the end of the world.

What do you want to happen, though? Do you want to feel justified in sleeping with the other man because your DH 'doesn't care'? Or do you think that provoking jealousy is a way to make a partner 'love' you more?

ToughDaddy · 26/10/2008 22:21

r u unsure about whether he fancies you? Would you like him to show some fight?

LostHorizon · 27/10/2008 14:20

The 4th possibility on traceybath's list is that he figures if you can't work out for yourself what side your bread's buttered, it's not his job to tell you.

2manychips · 27/10/2008 15:16

I think I understand where you're coming from. My dh never used to show concern if another man was interested and it felt like he was complacent and uncaring. We had long chats over other issues lately and he told me a)he trusted me totally and b)if he did feel another man was a threat he was way too proud and embarassed to admit it.

hammouhouseofhorror · 27/10/2008 15:30

You are lucky, enjoy your husbands trust and the opportunity to have male company without being made to feel as if you are up to something.

hammouhouseofhorror · 27/10/2008 15:31

You are lucky, enjoy your husbands trust and the opportunity to have male company without being made to feel as if you are up to something.

hammouhouseofhorror · 27/10/2008 15:31

sorry. double posted.

Tanee58 · 27/10/2008 15:38

MakehimCare, what exactly do YOU want out of your husband - and also, out of your old friend? Do you feel that your DH's complaisance makes you feel that he doesn't really care what you do? DO you WANT him to care? Or do you want to encourage your friend in his feelings for you?

I ask because this sounds very similar to what happened to me - and it ended in me having an affair with my old friend, and my H & I divorced. This may not be what you want - or it may be that you are looking for a way out. Think very carefully.

Original poster

makehimcare · 27/10/2008 20:06

Thank you for all your responses -given me lots to think about it.

I have talked to DH about it. He said he loves me, fancies me and doesn't make the first move because he's lazy He said he would make more effort, but that was 6 weeks ago and he hasn't

I considered the possibility that he's having an affair, but the only possibility would be while he's at work TBH, all his other time is accounted for and whilst he works long hours, he is hourly paid, so I know he is working.

I love my friend's company and there is no doubt that if we were both single (he's married too) and he asked me on a date, I would go. i.e. you don't turn down a date with a perfectly likable man, that's not to say I think there is anything more there, but that if I was single, I would be interested in finding out iyswim. But, we're not and I have made it very clear to him that whilst I like him a lot and enjoy his company I am not interested in doing anything that could damage what I have at home. Until recently, I always considered him a good "girlfriend" as we have similar nights out to I do with my other girlfriends.

FWIW, he is a dedicated family man and whilst he has admitted "feelings" I don't think he really wants to "do" anything. He certainly doesn't want to end his marriage.

The bit that causes me real concern is that I have started to look at him slightly differently since I realised he has different feelings for me and we seem to have developed a closeness that wasn't therefore before. We've always got on well and had a laugh together, but recently have talked about things like 1st love etc. He has had a serious health crisis (ongoing) which doesn't help, as I have realised just how much I care (worry) for him. I am determined not to have an affair, but I do like sex and need affection. I want it from DH, but DH seems to think that is hard work.

OP posts:

honestfriend · 27/10/2008 20:15

I have had a bit of what you have- with DH ( not lack of sex...well, yes, lack of sex, but because I no longer fancy him) and became very close again to a friend/ex.

DH never objected as he thought it was 100% platonic- it wasn't, but neither was it an affair.

He never ranted and raved and I wanted him to, as I took his calmness to mean he didn't care- which actually gave me licence to see the OM.

i went to hell and back, wondering if i could leave him, but as I had young kids I couldn't, the OM realised that too, didn't want to upset things.

You are playing with fire. There is no such thing as platonic friendship when the other feelings are there. Don't pretend to yourselves.

What people told me- and i think it is true- is that you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage. If not, then leave- and then you will be free for this friend, or other men. On the other hand, relationships overlap sometimes, and maybe you need the pull of this OM to make the break.

If you are both sure you are not going to have an affair, then I would say leave each other alone- you wouldn't play on the motorway would you, if you didn't want to get knocked over?

Decide what you want is my advice.

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