his family dont care

[k9kuts]

hi im new to the board,just had my first baby 8 weeks ago.shes gorgous and the only thing thats keepin me sane.the thing is i come from a small family and so does my h,my s & d are made up with the new arrival & come round as often as poss.now my h parents just dont seem intrested,only his mum came to the hospital once and called round a few times when we came home.now i hardly know the women ive been with my h 10 years and can honestly say ive met her about 20 times and they live a mile down the road!but everytime i do she has to stamp her authority over my h with snide remarks like how no one will ever no him like she does & silly things like that.now on her last visit about 7 weeks ago i was havin a bit of a moan about my h not pulling his weight and she told me i had pnd!how rude!its never really bothered me before but it breaks my heart to think they dont care about the baby,i thought things would be better after the birth,even start to get along more as a family but their just not bothered .my h is a total mummys boy and wont have a bad word said against them although he knows its wrong.he always goes to see them on a sunday but ive never been asked ,he took the baby twice but i put a stop to that if i wasnt allowed to go,i did go the next week and it was the usual fake smiles but im not willing to do it anymore.my h has said he will speak to them after we had a huge row about it but i want him to stand up to them and tell them how wrong they are.i dont care what they think of me but my baby doesnt deserve this and the saddest thing of saddest thing of all is my mum died when i was 16 she was brilliant and i know she would have been the perfect gran!sorry to rant but i just feel so frustrated and hurt.

Pleased to hear your dd is doing well.
Did your dh give you any idea how the chat went with his parents?
I don't think i would like the fact that your Mil just walks into your house without knocjing.Do you have a chain or something you could put on?
Do you find your Fil easy to talk to?
I find my Fil quite intimidating and never know what to talk to him about apart from the children.
My Mil's second comment when we arrived was that i had lost some weight since she last saw me in August,she said i can tell from the back view of you.
Compliment or not,was i that fat in August?
I also tried to have a conversation about how things were going and how i was coping and got a straight your not deoressed you would'nt be able to function.
Hello, i thought i don't somedays i just muddle through.My therapsit and hv visiting next week and they want dh to be there.They think i should go on anti depressants again for awhile whilst i am still having anxiety priblems.Dh is dead againest this and thinks these outsiders are just do gooders,so should be an interesting conversation.I am secretly dreading it.
Does your Mil give you any constuctrive advice or is she like mine and just critcises the way i am bringing up the children.
Speak again soon

dh mentioned he had been 2 their house,so i asked if he had spoken 2 them he said he had and that they agreed they should see more of us and that was it, i tried 2 find out exactly what was said but thats all he gave me.as for inviting us for lunch a date wasnt set!so i dont know if it will happen the thing is dh is so laid back sometimes he needs a shove in the right direction.when mil called around she had her usual dig about how i wasnt coping at the start and i was begining 2 be my old self,what the hell does she know she doesnt even know me.as for critisising my parenting skills she hasnt got a clue dh placed dd in her arms and honestly she didnt even know how to hold her dh had 2 step in and position poor dd,i was petrified dd would end up on the floor!she just doesnt seem to have any maternal instict maybe thats why dh is an only child!as for her letting herself in i now make sure the door stays locked just in case i wouldnt mind if we were closer but shes a virtual stranger fil is a bit easier to talk 2 but only about general things could never see myself having a heart 2 haert with him.your mil has no right 2 comment on your state of mind only you know how you feel,i to suffered terrible with anxiety when my mum died and after my first miscarriage and both times i was put on antidepressents to be honest i dont know if they helped or not i gradually weaned myself off them and things got better.i dont think i was depressed just a nervous wreck maybe beta blockers would be more effective as for your dh being at the meeting i think it is a good idea a chance for you all to come up with the best plan of action for everyone.but please try not to worry to much about it nothings ever as bad as you think its going to be! x

Hi k9kuts,thanks for the reassurance about the meeting.
Why does your Mil think you are not coping,does she give any examples?
Does your Dh comment when she say's this,my Dh does not like to disagree with his mum,but sometimes I feel I need the back up from Dh,after all i am his wife!!
Your comment about the betablockers struck a chord with me,maybe that is the answer.
My therapist say's she thinks i have mild depression but severe anxiety disorder.
Do you feel your anxiety coming back anytime? (apart from when Mil is around)
How did you find the betablockers,did you have any side effects?
Glad you are feeling much better now.
Sorry so many questions
Speak soon

my mil said she didnt think i was coping well in the begining it wasnt that i wasnt coping with the baby it was the fact i hadnt had any sleep for a week ,total exhaustion because dh wasnt helping at all,but when i told her this thats when she said i had pnd silly woman.anyway dh really pulls his weight now so of course im fine,but she has to bring it up on the odd occasion i see her.dh is very much the same about his parents,like hes scared to upset them but after i explained my feelings to him hes alot better i wouldnt say he backs me all the way although he does agree that they are in the wrong instead of shouting at me for bad mouthing his dear family.your dh needs to understand your insecurities sometimes comments that seem harmless to them really hurt and whether they agree or not they should reassure us,as wives our feelings should be most important to them.when i had anxiety problems i wasnt prescribed beta blockers,but when the anti depressants didnt work i read up on them and if my problems were to return id definatly give them a go.as i said i think anxiety and depression are totally differant although you probably get depressed because you have no control over your anxiety.ive been fine since oct 2003 when we got married,although i still feel nervous for no reason and worry for worryings sake.i must admit i did think it may return when dd was born and worried about that,i even spoke to the midwife about it whilst in labour!she was lovely and reassured me as soon as i held dd i would instictivly know what to do and she was right.i feel the best i have for along time,i have dd to focus on and to be honest im not bothered about anything else but my family,although anxieties about returning to work sometimes creep in but im only haf way through matrnity leave so i just block it out.

K9kuts

I have just scanned the posts on here and my heart goes out to you (and Maria1966) I think you have had lots of good advice on here and lots of support which is lovely, typical mn'ers! I wondered if it would be possible for you to invite them round for an afternoon (under some pretence of birthday celebration of dh, or mil - lol!) Try and open the door to them as it were (even though it would be through gritted teeth!) Like others have said it sounds like no-one would have been good enough for their son, whoever it was and it is there problem - but your mil is the Grandmother at the end of the day and it would be awfully sad to let this opportunity for them to be involved in her life slip away through their bad manners and inconsideratness - could you bring yourself to ask them to babysit for you? Just to let them get to know your lovely dd - I am sure once they spent some time with her they would be more happy handling her etc and would feel closer to her - if you could engineer the relationship, (even if you don't like them) for you dd sake, it may be worth it - if not at least you have tried and in 20 years time you would not have any regrets

thankyou fimac1 mumsnet really has been very helpful for me,as it is a chance to let off steam without upsetting dh.beleive me i am trying to build bridges with inlaws only for dd sake,we have asked them to try and come and see her as often as poss so watch this space!k9 kuts x

Good for you! I hope it works out for all your sakes and your dd (and you) has a relationship with them in the future. Your mil sounds very insensitive - she knows that you do not have your Mum around, she should be more supportative and acknowledge that the birth of dd will be a tough for you because of this. I hope you can bring yourselves to forge some friendship with them for you dd and hopefully for you aswell

maria,just seen your other thread sorry the hv meeting didnt help hope your ok .k9kuts x