Can any counsellor or shrink type peeps tell me WHY I get the mood from hell when I get presents I don't like from close family or friends?

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

I'm not spoilt and generally a cheerful happy go lucky person. However, when people buy me gifts that aren't right, I get the mood from hell. If its someone I don't know that well or a cousin or similar, I'm able to fake delight no problem and then I whinge later but if its someone close, like my mum or Dh, I get really ratty and feel like I HAVE to tell them there and then what is wrong with it! Its like a bee in my bonnet until I've voiced just what I don't like....

I hate being like this - what the hell is it and what is wrong with me!? When DH does it, I get mad as I feel like he doesn't know me enough/listen to my likes or dislikes enough to get the right present...

I must stress again, I'm not spoilt...I want to change this about myself as I don't like it at all and it causes problems with DH and I!

Glad to help!

lol lol

I get a bit like this - not as extreme as you have described but definitely get upset when someone gets me something I really dont like.

To be honest I prefer giving pressies than receive them.

I think that I get upset because often no thought whatsoever has gone into the gift and also I get upset that someone (usually my mum or dad) seems to not know me at all and that hurts me.

I wouldnt dream of telling them though - have only once told my dad and that was all involved with something else.

Think it must be very hurtful for them to hear it though.

What were gifts like when you were a kid? Did your parents often give you really bad presents?

You have a few options here - the thing is, the bad presents bug you. Would it work better for you if you just told them what you wanted, so you wouldn't get anything 'wrong'?

PJW, I was going to say the same as PP. It is a fab book, and really does explain it.

The concept applied here, is that you feel loved when someone gets you the 'right' gift. It isn't just the token effort, it is that they know you well enough to choose something that you like, and they express their love for you by doing so.

It is likely that you agonise over gifts, because they are so important to you. So you feel that if someone doesn't choose correctly, on some level, they don't love you as much as you thought. But actually, this isn't their motivation at all.

Likewise, their love language may be physical affection. But you may not be a huggy person by nature. They may interpret that as not loving them enough, but actually you just express it differently.

It can help you to understand yourself, and it can help you to understand your partner and your children.

The key then is to try and manage the situation. Perhaps by giving suggestions about what you like, rather than relying on them to get it right. Not so specific that they only buy you the one item you mentioned, but something along the lines of

'Books yes, chocolate no, perfume yes, vouchers no....'

NQC, I think the issue is not so much the getting things you don't want as what that signifies about your relationship with that person.

If you are a 'gift-giver' you express your love for someone by choosing the most appropriate present. Having to tell someone what to get you defeats the object because they are not expressing their love for you by choosing you the right thing themselves. Sorry, a bit convoluted, but I hope you get what I mean.

Obviously the most grown-up thing is to bite your lip and move on, but the OP wants to know why she gets so upset about it. I just shrug off inappropriate presents but if I never get any praise or encouragement I find that really hurtful, because that's the way I feel most loved, and I imagine that is how the OP feels when she gets given the wrong thing.

Oh, I know that a 'gift' is normally something the person has chosen, thinking of you. But I was wondering if maybe this really was about the objects, not the gift-giving nature - just trying to pull apart the strands.

I'm not sure the most grown-up thing is to just bite your lip and move on. Tbh, if I bought something for DH that he didn't like, I'd like to know, so I could get it right next time. Ok, I wouldn't want him to have a strop, but I'd want him to gently point out what he didn't like, and be clear about the sort of gift he liked better.

Very good point, NQC - perhaps I was just thinking about presents from MIL

My DH is so non-reactive when he gets presents, and I am such a lousy gift-giver that I cross-question him before and after, keep all receipts - and even then I don't think I get it right very often! (Actually, thinking about it, he may speak 'gift-giving' as his language more than I thought...)

PJW - you do have to change your own behavior, it´s the only thing in your power to change. I think your reaction sound really hurtful and although you don´t know why you do it or see yourself as not spoilt, this is how it would come across to the unfortunate gift-giver.

My little sister is like you and to be honest we all resent how she can ruin the happiness of giving her a nice present, every birthday, christmas etc. Now, her and myself have very similar taste and I have often given her presents she does like - like you I put a lot of effort and thought into finding presents. But once in a while I´ll get it "wrong" and the long faces and muttering of how this is "SO NOT HER" are really hurtful (or the used to be - now I don´t let it get to me, I do my best and that´s all I can do).
My other sister and the rest of family are not like this at all and are a joy to give presents to, even if they might not like every item, they never say so...
I try to be like this myself and for example I never go out and change a present, it doesn´t sit right with me (but don´t have a problem with other people doing it).

My sister in law has very different taste from me and she gives me the most awful (in my opinion ), presents - goudy necklaces, pink embroidered bags etc, but I know that she really looks at my stuff, tries to figure out what I like and puts effort into getting me the right presents....and to be honest, I think she doesn´t like the presents that I give her...but we are both grateful and even make an effort to wear the dreaded item next time we meet ;)

If the presents from your husband and mum etc upset you, you should really make a detailed wish list- everything else you have to let go!! It´s extremely hard to know other people´s taste fully - with my hubby I get it right now about 70 percent of the time after 10 years. But it´s NOT because I don´t care, don´t know him or don´t love him.

Presents just aren´t that big of a deal!Please find a way to deal with this, I´m absolutely sure you are hurting people by this behavior and they are super stressed out trying to find you a present you won´t hate! Not really the spirit, is it?

not something I've spent hours thinking about but does everyone else agree that there are three types of present giver:-

1. Those who try really hard to put themselves in the receivers place and give them a gift they will love.
2. Those who try to work out what they would love if they were the receiver. e.g. sports stuff from a sporty person to a couch potato
3. Those who just try to deliver something to the receiver as it is expected and basically anything will do because its just about ticking a task done box (The Body Shop does well with these customers).

I can see that if you are a type 1 giver then you could be hacked off with receiving presents from people who are types 2 or 3 and obviously type 1 is the best thing to be as giver. However its not possible for everyone to be the same kind of person as you, so you need a coping strategy. My suggestion would be to get the present you want but lose the surprise element i.e. just tell them what you want in advance (or give three suggestions without fixing your heart on any one of them).

PJW How do you deal with disappointment in other instances? Is it just with presents that you are known to have this reaction,ask yourself when you were first aware of this tendency, Can you remember instances in childhood or is it something that started as an adult. Unfulfilled expectations can sometimes be caused by not being aware of your needs, either conscious or subconscious. Do you know what you want, and if so are you able to express this to the present givers with sufficient clarity.How do you view yourself? Worthy enough to receive the gifts, or have you a subconcious feeling that nothing would be right? Do you ever feel that the gifts are just so and if so how do you feel then? Is it a 'bottled up' feeling that you cannot stop yourself from expressing?

Pjw, just another thought, do you suffer from PMT?

quinne- I would agree wholeheartedly with your three types except I think I am a cross between 1 and 3 as I never have any confidence that anything I could ever choose would be right, so end up spending hours trying to find things and often end up getting everyone I know the same impersonal gift (ie posh biscuits) to make the painful search stop.

People may think that type 3s dont care, but in my case I just never have any confidence that I can provide anything to suit and have to take that option to make it stop.
I dispise christmas shopping because of the OBLIGATION factor to act in a certain way, to spend in a certain way.

For many years now I have withdrawn from my family at this time because of how inadequate the entire giving and recieving and obligation make me feel. To the op I would say- I really hope you can overcome your problem, as I am sure you would not want your family to withdraw in the way I do from mine.

I get irrationally cross if I am given something I don't like, because I am utterly skint and wail (inwardly) "I could have paid for new shoes for the children with the money you spent on that!"

I'm generally rubbish at spending money on tangible things for myself - partly because I am indecisive and get annoyed with myself if I waste money on something that will be a physical reminder of my idiocy for evermore (because shit purchases don't ever get broken/lost, do they?!).

PMT doesn't help though...

Languages v interesting - DH is an acts of service sort of chap, it would seem.

Counsellor person here... not saying I have the answer, but if you were a client I'd question you more about a) when you first felt like this, what were the circumstances/history (if you can remember) and b) what you've already said about it feeling like those people close to you don't know you. What about that is so important to you? When do you feel understood? Do you feel unimportant/unseen when this happens?

Also agree with Pooky's thoughts.

Have to say I am a bit like this - don't express it, but sometimes feel quite grumpy inside and find it difficult to say something polite and grateful-sounding. But then I am a bit spoilt!! (Not saying you are, honest!) But your post has made me think so I will go away and do a bit of self-analysis...

This thread is brilliant! I am exactly like this and have become even more so since I started working part time and have little money for luxuries. But I love buying people gifts and am always thinking of the perfect present for people.

When I was on maternity leave, for Christmas I bought my best friend (thinner, more glamourous and childless) a beautiful wallet/purse thing from one of those frivolous girly gift shops. She bought me some cookie cutters.

I was so angry (although never told her) even though I do actually really enjoy baking. For my birthday she got me a Cath Kidston apron. Again, I do like to think Nigella and I were separated at birth but I could have strangled her with it.

I bought her socks this year!

You seem to be expressing anger because that is what you are feeling, where does the anger spring from? I think the fact that you are trying to find the wellspring of this problem could mean you are aware of something deeper than just the natural disappointment that is engendered by receiving an unsuitable gift. Because you want to find the reason you probably will.

Wow...so many replies...thank you all. I do get PMT but its barely for one day and its not anything serious - just a general desire to shout a bit and short tempered - usual pmt really I would say!

I've been like this as a child...my Dad was a gambler (don't see him anymore) and money was pretty tight. We got the things we wanted at Xmas, thanks to Mum saving all year round but there was always a catch with them...for example, clothes were limited to mainly from a catalogue and not something we could just go into town and pick ourselves and clothes during the year were always the New Look variety...bearing in mind that when I was younger, the supermarkets didn't do the clothes they do now for budget conscious people and we didn't have Primark etc

I can remember at the height of the trainer/shell suit fashion having a pair of trainers from a catalogue that were the wrong size because the ones that I really really liked they didn't have in my size. Couldn't get them from a shop in town as no money for that and mum knew how much I wanted them so got them in a size bigger...I was so desperate to have these trainers as had been laughed at for the cheap ones I had been wearing, I kept them and wore them with thick socks, sole inserts and heel grips to make them fit....that still rankles with me now but I must stress, I am not blaming my mum for this one bit - she did the very best she could for us in the circumstances she had and I love her for that.

There was a LOT of pressure on Christmas I guess...purely because my mum saw that as the one opportunity to give us what we wanted and now I'm thinking about where all this anger comes from, I can remember feeling the pressure to behave in a certain way every Xmas and woe betide me or anyone that didn't. It got to the stage where I was annoyed at how hyper excited mum used to get and as horrible as that sounds, I just wanted to dampen it down a bit.....mmm...maybe that explains things...

The weird thing is, I can get crappy presents from friends but I'm very able to disguise how I feel its only with close people - my family, DH particularly, that I feel I want to show them its wrong and I remain angry until I've done so...

Oh and I also feel - huh, don't you think when I get an unsuitable present....DH has just bought me some perfume and its so not what I like and rather than just leave it as my sister advised, I dropped hints until he admitted he knew I didn't like it although my reaction when opening it was believable, it was just after when I didn't wear it or mention it again, and it caused a row becuase he said its the thought that counts and I was thinking, no, if its the wrong present, there is no thought! Thats what prompted me to post on here because I want to change

You shouldn't feel obliged to wear perfume you don't like, just because your DH bought it for you.

But it sounds like birthdays and Xmas were pretty stressful and unpleasant when you were a kid. Maybe anything someone close gets you will be a let down, because really, you're pissed off about how these celebrations were when you were a kid, not about how things are now?

(Is therapy an option? Alternatively, maybe write down what Xmas was like?)

And yeah, of course, your mum, and your dad, did the best they did with the circumstances/knowledge/history they had. But that doesn't mean the situation didn't suck for you, all the same!

Oh, I don't agree with 'if it's the wrong present, there is no thought!'. I mean, if you like perfume, but just not that perfume, how was he to know? He tried, he did his best, he got something he thought you'd like. Presumably you wear perfume? He didn't buy you a power drill or some knitting needles or something clueless. He did think about you. Your DH is not your father.

And you know, sometimes people do their best, and don't get you exactly what you would have bought yourself. You can either give your DH a list, and tell him exactly what to get you, or you can expect it won't be exactly right, and maybe you'll be a bit disappointed, but he did think of you, he did try to get you something appropriate.

PJW,

I think your last post may have shown the root of your feelings towards unwanted presents. It might be worth finding a decent counsellor and working through the feelings you possibly have about issues in your childhood. The fact that you have such a strong reaction to the wrong present, feelings which are out of proportion to what is happening, makes me wonder about the depth of feeling regarding the difficulties around your dad's gambling etc. These things aren't always conscious but appear and bite us on the bum in some other way - eg. your reaction to wrong presents now.

Fwiw I am a counsellor and that is what I would think of exploring if I had a client with similar feelings.

I hate buying and receiving presents. I find it embarrassing to open the present in front of the person who has bought it, and to have my present opened while I'm there too.

I know this stems from my (now estranged) mother who made a big issue of presents in childhood. She would ask what I wanted and then tell me off saying "that's a stupid/babyish thing to ask for , what about X ?". Then tell me off again for not playing enough with the unwanted gift, calling me ungrateful, wicked, useless (for not being able to ride a bike 2 sizes too big !) etc.

Fastforward to adulthood and she always nagged me about getting adequate presents for my step family despite my miniscule wages - "and what will you be giving, X ? and Y?" and then saying "well I think you can do a bit better than that !". Just to put this in perspective I once received for my birthday a packet of Kitkats from the step sister in a gift bag that, judging by the dust and cat hair in the bottom of it, had been kicking round her bedroom for months.

Also brought up presents every verse end in arguments - "how can you say that after what we got you for Xmas !!" even though it was totally unrelated. When I went through my horrific divorce all she said was "I wish I hadn't spent so much money on presents for him now !!". Her presents to me were for the person she wanted me to be (lingerie, make up, perfume) rather than the person I obviously am (books, sci-fi, tattoos, music).

So I've got mega hang ups about the whole thing. Solved by my sane DH and in-laws who do not attach any sentimentality or significance to presents at all. We all (including my 16 month old) have a "wish bucket" of gifts from tiny things to outrageously impossible daydreams, and big Amazon lists from which to make a selection. Presents are sent via the internet. Love, respect and affection however are freely given and genuine

I have a friend who spent a lot of time and energy buying me presents that I always hated. I felt bad about not liking them but she would give me a mountain of 'joke presents', silly socks from Matalan, charity shop gifts etc, painstakingly chosen but just not any use or ornament.

I would rather have had one, decent thing. So a few years ago I said that because we both had so many people to buy for, we could just ask each other for one thing, preferably a voucher.

Problem solved - I can be genuinely delighted with her gifts now as I do actually like them. I always got her one good thing anyway so now we're equal imo.

If your DH is rubbish at buying pressies just ask for vouchers - they are such a luxury and you can spend them when you're skint and fancy a treat.

pjw read through the post where you start.., with so many replies... if you can, print it off and study it, one sentence at a time, take your time and thoughtfully look at the sentence in front of you, now let the first feeling that it brings up in you have free reign, what does it feel like, what is it, etc. Do this with all your statements one sentence at a time. Close your eyes and remember how it felt at the time. You have the answer to your present day reaction in this one reply inmo. You may need to excersise the sorrow, feelings that it brings up with a trained counsellor or if you are very self aware you may be able to work through it yourself. I am convinced you are already working this through. Your reaction is perfectly understandable in light of your posting and quite reversible.x