Where do I get the strength from to leave.

[desperate02]

I have been with by husband for 6 years, we have a son aged 3.5. I love my dh very much, but have come to the conclusion that we are in a destructive relationship. We seem to constantly fight, and when we do I get called things that make me feel worthless. I am not innocent in this matter and also cause the rows and keep them going. We shout all the time in front of Ds, which I know is not good. I have stayed because I love him and do not want to break up the family home.

I am a SAHM and depend on my DH wage, working is not really an option.

I feel I need to leave to get my life back, before I met my Dh I was outgoing and now I feel as though my self confidence has taken a battering.

I do stress that I love my dh very much, but then hate him the next day.

I am worried that leaving I will have no where of my own to go and do not want to end up with a grotty flat somewhere.

I am unhappy and need your advice.

desparate02 - it definately sounds like something needs to change in your relationship.

Before you do anything as drastic as leaving though, there may be other things that could help you out of this rut. I know you say that working is not an option, but have you thought about all the possibilities. I say this because sometimes getting out and doing something new can help you to regain your confidence etc, and that may also help with your relationship.

If not a job, have you thought about taking a course? You might be surprised at the variety of courses available at your local adult education centre. Just to get you out of the house and doing something constructive really - it can be very good for your self-esteem, and will help you meet new people etc.

Also have you given relationship counselling a go?

Good luck

desperate02 - really sorry to read about your situation. Please try counselling 'Relate' can be very helpful, even if your DH won't go, I have used them & found it very, very useful, not just in re-building my marriage after problems but also in understanding 'myself' a lot better, if you know what I mean! The fact that you love your DH means a lot, you also have your child to think of, at least give Relate (or similar) a try before doing anything drastic.

Good luck.

desperate02 - I'm so sorry to hear about your distress.
I know that when I'm unhappy I tend to have more rows with my husband. I get stressed out about everything and anything he says and does really irritates me.
I was at home a while after my ds was born and I wasn't very happy. I felt that I just wasn't myself, my husband irritated me and many is the time when I felt I could just walk out.
I'm not at all suggesting that you're the cause of all the unhappiness and rows (after all it takes two and there's no excuse for him calling you names that make you feel worthless) but it may help if you do get out of the house and do something on your own where you can feel more yourself, such as a course.
I agree with the others that before doing anything drastic you could look into counselling, even if dh won't go with you. Apart from helping you to understand yourself better and perhaps see things from another perspective, it may help you to go through all your options before deciding if you really do want to leave.
For the time being I guess you just have to keep remembering how much you do love your dh.
Good luck.

desperate 02 you do have in your favour that you love your dh very musc ( you said so twice in your message)
I don't know you but if you love your dh and you have a child together all is not lost.
Does your dh know how you feel?
Please tell him. It is a good start for discussions.
What do you fight about?

It seems as if we fight about everything at the moment, from ds to things trivial like the toilet seat up, glass not taken out etc etc.

We did have a chat last night, and he has admitted that work is a bit rough at the moment, maybe thats why he is a bit off, and with my pnd, that doesn't help. I do not really want to leave him, its was just a really bad day yesterday and felt as though I couldn't cope anymore. Of course I can, you have to.

desperate02

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems, but if you really love your husband try to stick with it. It gets very hard when you have children, before you have each other, but once you have children the relationship changes.
I know exactly how you feel, we started Friday having an argument because my husband didn't have a shirt ready for work, a stupid petty thing, and I have found in times of real stress and trouble we always fight instead of standing together and giving each other the support we need.
Stick in there if you really love him, if you don't then it is different.

desparate - have you tried your local library? Ours has a pile of books giving advice on relationships. I've read them all! Some are useless, eg the one written by a male psychologist that started off by stating as a fact that all women want to change their husbands! suspect he just had a problem with his wife. Some are really helpful though, eg The Surrendered Wife. Terribly offputting title, but lots of good advice about how not to have rows with your dh. (If that title is just too much for anyone, may I suggest a. read the book first, and b. there's a mumsnet thread about it somewhere).
Good luck sorting out your problems, desparate, hope things improve.

I thought the surrendered wife concept interesting. I saw some people who use this way of life on the telly, and I just know some people would have died watching them, thinking "I could never live like that", but as I understand it - it's about drawing up a contract about who does what in a relationship - and if you both take responsibility for your own "areas" then you avoid arguing about "grey" areas. i.e. if you are a SAHM, and your husband works full time, then you may agree that he takes responsibility for all the money matters, and you take responsibility for all the washing and ironing. As long as you both agree on every little matter, and you both stick to it ridgidly, there shouldn't be any room left for bickering (because we all bicker about stupid things don't we?)

For my part - I will get all the washing done in the house, but my DH irons it. I keep the kicthen clean and look after our DD on a daily basis, but he cleans the bedroom, and changes the bedclothes and gets up at weekends to give her breakfast and look after her until she goes down for a nap. And other similar things. We still row about stupid stuff, but we talk alot about what's bothering us, and we are always surprised at the stuff we bottle up and don't immediately talk about.

Communication is key.

Oh, and another bit of advice... when you do want to discuss your relationship, try and talk in a restaurant or other public place, because you won't end up shouting. And he needs to promise not to get angry and say nasty things, if you promise not to cry!

Have you ever listened to friends arguing, and though "don't they bicker about silly stuff" before you realise you do it too? I really hope you solve your issues. Hate is part of love. It's a passionate emotion. It's only when you start feeling indifference, you know all hope is lost.

snickers - I agree the 'Surrendered Wife' (dreadful title though) had a lot of good points and as you say, it is so important not to get too hung up over 'minor' issues ...... I always remind myself of the phrase 'how important will this issue be in a year's time?!'. I too am amazed at some of the seemingly trivial issues that some couples will row over ........ but I suppose what seems trivial to some will not be to others!

Not quite sure about your 'public place' reasoning, I know what you mean, but I have had my fair share of tears in restaurants!!

Yes - me too, nothing is failsafe , but I have found that we are less likely to shout silly, hurtful comments at each other, or be able to stromp off and furiously scrub the kitchen floor by way of ignoring each other if you see what I mean!

Although that said - we have ended up with a clean and tidy house following some of our rows by doing this!!!

desperate02

If you're desperate02, I think I must be desperate01. I read this thread really wishing I could advise you, but really hoping that someone else already had so I too could read the advice. All the responses make sense, but there's no real advice about how and where to go which is more what I think I need. I'm in similar situation SAHM, married 4 years, DS almost 2, and DD 4 months, DH's salary supports us. Relationship is poor, less rows, more total lack of communication. DH is stressed and depressed with work, has been getting worse since DS born. Finally persuaded him to see a counsellor, but he abandoned that, and anti-depressants before there was any chance for an improvement. Tried at New Year to discuss ways in which we could improve relationship, but he didn't even keep his side of the deal for 24hours - I lasted 15 days being totally calm before I lost it and figured it wasn't worth it if he won't make the effort. He comes from a family that don't communicate, so I'm not sure what hope there is. He behaves like a bachelor, and whilst I can live, albeit not happily, with that, I can't stand to see my DS upset because DH is ignoring him, and DS is so excited to see him. I'm beginning to think it's better to leave for the sake of my DS & DD. Comment from snickers seems to say a lot "It's only when you start feeling indifference, you know all hope is lost". I'm feeling indifferent, but only really as it's easier to deal with the situation if I numb it out. As for loving him, I love the man I married, but the DH I have now is so different it's like living with a stranger. I know depression can do this to people, but if he's not willing to take steps to do anything I'm not sure what options I have. On top of all this, we now have a house move imminent, work confirmed yesterday that we'll be returning to the UK in less than 3 weeks (currently in Europe). All I keep thinking is that moving house is supposedly one of the most stressful events in life, and this is with 2 small children, a husband who seems to be in a daze the entire time and sees nothing that needs doing (and doesn't want to be told anything), and an overseas move at that. I'm not sure we (I) can take the added stress, to say nothing of the fact I know no-one in the area we're moving to.

Sorry I haven't offered much help, but maybe it will help you, desperate02, to know there are other people out here who are just as, if not more desperate, so you're not alone. Whatever happens, hang on in there - I don't mean you should stay with him, as you say we have days we don't feel we can cope but we just do, because we have to. I hope things improve for you. If you can talk that's something, I hope you get more response and action than I get. Good Luck.

This is my first posting - now I know why I haven't posted before!!

kazd,Thank-you so much for posting. I know what you mean about loving the man you married. On one hand I want to leave, but what if this is just a rough patch we are going through and the man I marry is in there somewhere. I do love him at times, but other times couldn't care if I ever saw him again.

He was offered a job down south, but told him that I wouldn't go, I have friends and family here and without them I wouldn't be able to cope.

DH does listen and will try, but it last for about 2 days then its the same crap different day.

Hope things work out for you.

kazd - so sorry to read your posting; life must be very tough for you at the moment, but where are you moving to in the UK? Are you from the UK originally? Perhaps you can think positively about it, a new start in a new area ...... I moved to a brand new area (not country though!) two years ago, knew no one, but I used it as an opportunity to meet new people, try different things & it worked out well for me. I know what you mean about feeling 'indifferent' - I have used the 'numbing' technique myself when my marriage has been in difficulties and, for me, it actually worked quite well - I tried to 'compartmentalise' my marriage problems, and concentrate on enjoying the rest of my life . It's probably not the best advice, but it worked for me, rather than getting totally bogged down & stressed with my relationship - & if your DH won't talk about it, it's not going to get you anyway even if you keep on trying.

Glad you've found mumsnet - keep posting!