I don't expect an answer to that question.
I've been sitting here staring at this keyboard for about an hour, with a head full of answers.
I've read books about it, seen countless slushy films about it. I thought I had it.
Then, about five months ago it happened to me. Between one breath and the next, I fell in love.
All-consuming, heart-stopping, wonderful, utterly terrifying. I felt myself fall and was powerless to stop it.
I've been in free-fall ever since.
He's intelligent, talented, a bon-viveur, musician, composer, photographer, film-maker. He lives the kind of life you'd expect someone like that to live.
I knew him years ago. Only briefly, just an acquaintance really. Then he moved away, found success, travelled the world and met fellow artists.
I never really thought about him after that. I never bought any of his records. Every so often, I'd hear him on the radio and I'd say to my friends "I once knew him you know!"
I worked, did my job well, met my husband and had my children. We have a lovely house, we're financially secure, no problems.
Until I was idly browsing youtube one day and I thought "oh, I bet there's some footage of * on here!" Sure enough, there he was.
On impulse, I left him a message of the "remember me?" type.
He replied. We told our stories and indulged in some heavy reminiscing about old friends.
Straight away we 'clicked'. The music we like, the food we like, the humour we like, seemingly everything in common.
Including the fact that we are both married.
We were in daily contact. Then one day he told me that he was going abroad for a fortnight to work.
I can pinpoint that as the exact moment that it happened, but I'm fucked if I know why.
He gave me his mobile number and said he'd text. And he did. From the airport before his flight, from the airport when he landed, from the taxi...I had a running commentary the whole time he was away.
When he returned, we arranged to meet up. Just for coffee, just to say hello.
All cliches apply for that meeting. I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I was shaking so much and it really was touch and go whether I would actually pass out. He was shaking too. We had our coffee, we walked, we talked, we held hands and we kissed. Then we parted and I have no idea how I got home. Well, I drove, but have no recollection of the journey.
So much has happened since then. I came to realise that I will never have him. The life he has is one that I could never be part of. Nor, I'm sure, would he want to take on a couple of kids, or give up the life that he loves. He wouldn't leave his wife and I don't expect him to.
He wants me physically. I know that for certain. We haven't been intimate and I can't see it ever happening.
The happy, secure life I had lies in ruins around me. My husband has left. He discovered what was going on. And he discovered the extent of my feelings. He is hurt and angry and I caused it.
I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know what I have to do. I know the sane, logical, sensible way out of this. I know what I must do.
I know the answer to my own question and I am in hell.
I must do it, I must hold my head up and get on with my life and try to exorcise him from my head and my heart. I must bring my children up in a happy home.
I must sacrifice this wonderful, mind-blowing feeling. I have felt so alive and that is going to be so difficult to let go of.
I always wanted the kind of love that you read about in books. I just never knew that it would hurt so much to have to give it up.