Am I insane, or is this normal?

[GuiltyMummy]

First time posting and afraid it may be a bit of a rant...

Have been with DH for nearly 6 years, married for almost 4. Rocky since beginning but always been determined to make it work. We have 1 DD almost 3 yrs.

My history not great - baaaad relationships/not much experience before DH. He was engaged before me and she cheated on him.

On our honeymoon he was violent towards me (threw me around hotel room for talking to very old male friends of mine) but apologised profusely and week 2 in different location was great.

Has continued being violent towards me and threatens me ("will throw you down the stairs" "want you to get run over by a bus") tells me he hates me. No violence recently, but threats of it. I'm no angel but have changed my ways in past 18 months and now walk away rather than get angry with him. (actually, let's be honest, I just cry like a baby).

Sex is limited, once in the past 3 weeks. He doesn't have a problem with this but I do. Says he doesn't think sex is an important part of a relationship - I say b**llocks to that. Won't cuddle or kiss me unless it's leading to something more.

Am I kidding myself by staying with him?

I'm sure I should be able to answer my own question, but feel so low that I can't. Almost feel that I need to stay to prove that I am loveable/likeable.

I also think he's lying to me about where he is when he's out at night (which isn't often). Don't feel I trust him and feel there's nothing being offered to make me trust him.

lots of red wine consumed by me tonight, so sorry if I'm making no sense.

you are not insane,

it is not for me to say if you are normal,

bullying, threats or violence is NOT NORMAL OR SANE though,

i am sure you know this already,

You don't sound insane, but this is not normal behaviour and it is not a normal relationship.

You might put up with it but what about your daughter? Whether he is abusive towards her or not it is extremely unhealthy for her to have any sense that he behaves like that towards you.

Thanks all, thought it was too late for anyone else to be on here.

I do put myself in my DD's shoes and know that I don't want her to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. I think I possibly have a "saviour complex" and want to be the one to fix my DH.

My DD is now aware of the arguments we have and tells DH that mummy is sad and crying. She gets very worked up which I don't like at all as always thought that would never have this level of arguments around children.

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine - think you might have hit the nail on the head. With not much experience under my belt I think I was just looking for someone to love me and assumed it would happen eventually.

I would be devastated if my DD was telling me that she was in this kind of relationship.

I guess that gives me my answer.

Next question is how do you find the strength/self belief to walk away?

i was in the same position (no kids though) a few years ago,

i loved him,

i really loved him,

i set aside his behaviour for a long time,

he was totally unreasonable,

he pushed me,

then,

he dragged me,

then,

he kind of slapped me,

a year later he was kicking me while i lay on the floor,

you really need to have a long hard think and find the strengh to get out if you know that is the only thing that is left to do,

if you post on here when it is busy you will get amazing help and advice from other women who have escaped damaging relationships

Thanks SnoopDog. I totall hear what you're saying. Think i'll go sleep it over for tonight and come back tomorrow to see what fresh words of wisdom there are.

Feels good to have finally said something, even if it is to anonymous names on a pc :-)

goodnight gm

It doesn't sound good to me (13 years together, married 8). All relationships have ups and downs, but physical violence moves things onto another level. I couldn't possibly offer advice as I realise it's way out of my depth, but what would you say to your best friend if she told you the same? My marriage is equal. We fight about stuff, I shout, but we always make up and I agree (reluctantly sometimes) that sex is an important part of a relationship! You sound like you know the answer but now you are reading all these replies, maybe that gives you the extra courage you need to face it all. I do firmly believe that if relationships are bad from the start, it's not a matter of if, but rather, when will it end. Good luck.

you need to leave the relationship now - i think you know this

so instead of dancing around things, when you come back we need to sort specifics.

if you cannot show your daughter self respect and dignity you are only doing half a job - no matter how well you think you are doing it.

stop managing him, stop it right now, he is a grown man who hits women.

think about
housing
money
documentation

sleep well

he is an angry man, and you should not be there to accept his anger. You haven't caused it, and won't be the person to end it.

All of the above is excellent advice.

I think you owe it to yourself and to your daughter to leave this man. Violence is unacceptable in any relationship and you cannot continue like this.

You need to walk away from this before it escalates into something worse, which it probably will unless he gets help immediately.

SnoopDog, how did you go about leaving? Sorry if too personal, that's just the bit that I struggle with most.

Keep thinking things will change. Deep down he's a nice person but I don't think I can carry on digging to find that person.

My worries are -

1. I'm a SAHM with no independent income
2. he's verbally vicious and this could end up being nasty and I don't want to subject my DD to that
3. so how can I protect her from the fall out?
4. (and this one is pretty pathetic so brace yourselves) how do I deal with the shame that I feel about my marriage failing?

Thank you all for your advice and listening eyes (!) so late at night.

My self esteem is in tatters and I just can't seem to find a way to look at this that makes sense.

I know I should leave as this relationship (hahaha) is damaging my DD and I would like her to grow up secure and knowing what a healthy relationship is.

I have not been in your position so i can't give you specifc advice, however i think you deal with any (misplaced) shame you feel on your marriage ending by being proud that you are doing the right thing by removing your daughter from an unhappy situation.Starting again would give you daughter all the right messages about what is acceptable in a relationship. I hope some one can come along and give you better advice than me , and that it all works out for you.

do you have a joint mortgage or do you rent?

make sure you know wehre all your documents are - borth certificates, passports etc.

are you managing the household income - paying bills etc or does he do that ?
if the latter, then you need to make sure you have copies of your household bills with account numbers on so that you know who your suppliers are and you can sort your finances out

before you make a decision, you need to have all the facts, or else you can't make a fully infomred decision.

you need to see a solicitor and talk through what would happen with the house - if it is a mortgage.

you need to go to the cab and speak to a financial bod who can tell you what kind of benefits you are entitled to. then you can work out your money situation.

whilst you are doing this information gathering you should squirrel some money away - tell him you spent a little extra on the shopping or use other tactics to get a few hundred quid behind you.

your dd is 3. soon will be in school, so don't forget that this then gives you a better chance of finding work in the future.

plan ahead. can you go on a short course - computing or some such to give you some workplace skills, whilst you are still in the marriage.

remember the shame isn't yours - its his. the failure isnt yours its his.

if he acts like a prick with regards to the 'fallout' then you can be safe in the knowledge that you did the right thing.

what you don't weant is your daughter growing up and thinking that this is normal. it isn't normal.

if you are serious about this, you need to start getting things in order today.
bills
money
appt with cab and solicitor.

get your facts before deciding what to do.