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Original poster

If your Mum did this would it mean she didn’t care about your or your family?

54 replies

Emma789 · 23/10/2008 20:02

If you and your family were featured in a magazine article, what would it mean if your Mum forgot to buy a copy even though you asked her to look out for it in the shops?

It was just a story about our lives with a few photos of me, DH and our DC. She doesn?t seem sorry at all, so am I unreasonable to expect her to be interested?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 20:52

chilledmama - no unfortunately i didn't get a copy.

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LoveBeingAMummy · 23/10/2008 20:54

Maybe you are setting her up to fail you by asking things you know she can't/won't do??

TexasChainKLAWmassacre · 23/10/2008 20:55

my mother booked a holiday abroad over the time of my 40th birthday, so I understand where you're coming from.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2008 20:55

My mum wouldn't have remembered to buy a copy. She would have said "oh dear" though.

I do know she cares about us, though, so I wouldn't have been too upset.

chilledmama · 23/10/2008 20:56

Emma - what magazine and edition is it??

ShinyPinkShoes · 23/10/2008 20:57

What magazine was it and what edition?

We have stacks of recent magazines at work, I will take a look for you

chilledmama · 23/10/2008 20:58

you see...trust in MN!!!!

dittany · 23/10/2008 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 23/10/2008 21:00

Emma I bet she does know. I bet your e-mail seethed resentment and that is why her answer was so curt.

Also, why should a mother not be able to go on holidays just because one of her children is turning 40? That zero means you can make your own birthday plans.

Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 21:06

Examples:
she never calls (ever) although sometimes when i call her she sounds happy to hear from me.

she has sent one email in 12 months, apart from the monosyllabic replies to mine (I write once a month now on average)

She never asks after DH or the DC (and they are young and cute!)

She never asks for a recent photo - which is why I thought she might be interested to look in the magazine

I told her I was ill last month and she has never asked how I am. (But then as she doesn't contact me, it would be difficult)

She was planning a holiday about 100 miles from where i live and would have flown into my local airport. I suggested she come a day earlier and see us too. She just avoided the suggestion and then the holiday was called off anyway (she has not seen us for 18 months since we last visited)

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chilledmama · 23/10/2008 21:09

you know what they say...can't choose them

Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 21:09

I am not sure why I am showing you this skidoodle, but this was my message to her. Does it seethe resentment?
"I meant to ask you did you see the feature about us in the magazine a few weeks ago? I guess not, or you might have mentioned it, but if you did and you still have a copy then it would be good if you could hold onto it for me"

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chilledmama · 23/10/2008 21:10

what was the magazine and edition????

Dottoressa · 23/10/2008 21:11

My mum wouldn't buy it (I actually write pieces for magazines, and she's never bought one!)

In my case, it doesn't mean a thing - that's just the way she is, and I love her for it!

Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 21:14

Chilledmama i can't say. I've name changed because I am scared that someone else in my family will see this post and put 2 and 2 together. I don't want this to blow up - i've just complained on a website about my mother!!

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TheArmadillo · 23/10/2008 21:19

So this is a bigger pattern for you of her showing little interest in your life or family.

Does she show more attention to your siblings or is she like this to everyone?

When I first started posting about my feelings on my mother it was horrible. I felt like a terrible person who was betraying them and also that they'd find out and the repercussions would be unbearable. But posting and getting advice actually did help.

chilledmama · 23/10/2008 21:20

my email address is [email protected]

email if you want me to do some digging

skidoodle · 23/10/2008 21:23

Well at least she sounds happy to hear from you when you call, although it does sound as though you have a very distant and probably quite strained relationship.

You asked her to pick up a magazine with you in it, not because you wanted a copy, but because you wanted her to want a photo of you and your children.

You're putting way too much importance on things that shouldn't matter (silly magazine) because of how hurt you feel about the things that do. That can lead to a very fraught dynamic between two people if the offending party truly doesn't understand that their behaviour is neglectful/hurtful/

It must hurt a great deal to have so little contact with your mother and so little interest from her.

Your options are

  1. Try and fix it - you can only do this is she is amenable and you are prepared for some heartache if it doesn't work and if you can identify something in your own behaviour that is contributing to the current situation and that you can change
  2. Accept her how she is - don't keep expecting things of her that you know she won't deliver
  3. Decide that you are better off without this constant hurt and just cut her out of your life. This might have ramifications for your relationships with your siblings

In my Mum's family there is a situation somewhat like this and the aunt in question has a very strained relationship with my grandmother and her siblings. It's better now than it was in the past.

In that case the aunt is a very difficult and bitter person and a lot of her isolation is down to her own behaviour. On the other hand my grandmother (who I adore) is dreadful for playing favourites (I love her very much, but she is) and this particular daughter came at an awkward place in the family and I think over many years was very hurt and felt very neglected.

Families are very complicated and it's so tough to unravel this stuff. But IME the only way to deal with these kinds of issues is to try to think the best of the people involved, behave as well and as honestly as you can yourself, and try to match your expectations to likely outcomes.

Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 21:31

Armadillo - the others live more locally (within 300 miles!) so she does seem more interested in them and their children, but maybe that's normal given that she knows them?

She's not exactly wonderfully behaved with any of us. She can say and do really spiteful things and we've all had a blast of it from time to time.

I think I get it worse than the others but they don't. Maybe they are right - I thought the reply today showed she didn't care but no one else on MN really thought that, so I could be wrong.

When I was a teenager (a very long time ago unfortunately!) my mother and I used to argue all the time. So its like a family truth that we're as bad as each other.

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skidoodle · 23/10/2008 21:35

ooops, sorry just saw the e-mail you sent to her.

um, yes. If you had already asked her about the magazine before I can see how that e-mail could be interpreted to be kind of touchy masquerading as casual - "I guess you didn't or you would have mentioned it"

BTW I should have said that in my family, despite the frostiness, the major issues around every visit, and the constant threat of a strop over some perceived slight, my grandmother loves my aunt very much and is heartbroken by their crap relationship. Even as she utterly fails to comprehend the part she played in causing things to be as they are now.

JuxBackFromTheDead · 23/10/2008 21:51

Is she upset you've moved abroad? When we wre considering it, dh's mum made it very clear that she would never forgive us (no great loss imo, but dh was devastated). She can just about cope with us being 150miles away, but she believes that we are utterly wrong not to be living in her bungalow with her and sFIL (dh and sFIL don't speak!). She always complains that we are so far away. Never visits. Expects us to take dd out of school to visit her when it is convenient to her (never the school holidays etc) and is angry with us when we don't oblige.

Or maybe your mum really has bought it and keeps it under her pillow, but doesn't want you to know.

Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 21:58

I don't know JuxBackFromTheDead. I mean she did not show it at the time but she did not seem pleased. I think she'd like us to move back (but then so would I and she knows that).

Thanks for the image of her keeping it under her pillow! i don't think its very likely to be true but it made me laugh!!

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Original poster
Emma789 · 23/10/2008 22:03

skidoodle - i know you are right on the 3 options. I've been turning them over in my mind for years. Basically i don't have the courage for cutting her off, all attempts at becoming closer have crashed and burned so that just leaves option2: get used to it. I keep trying to do it,and then a little part of me tries to make things better and I end up back realising that option 2 is the only one I can do.

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more · 24/10/2008 08:29

She is probably of the view that you chose to live abroad, therefore you should be doing all the work to make the relationship work between all of you.

A bit like my parents. I live abroad, and they have shown zilch interest in me, my children and dh (they have decided to blame him though even though it was me that wanted to move back to the UK). They would not even say goodbye to us when we left the country. They went to their country house a month before we left and came back a couple of days after we had left.

Before I cut contact they actually said that unless we came and spent birthdays and x-mas in their country, at their house, then there would be no presents.

Original poster
Emma789 · 24/10/2008 09:53

Some friends and families do seem to take the "you do all the work" attitude and we've had a mixed reaction from the people we know. Its a big step cutting off your parents though More (although I can see the provocation). My mother has done similar things but I can't bring myself to do it, partly because I have young children and I couldn't bear it if they did that to me 35 years from now (so how could i do it to my mother?) and partly because I'd be too scared of how it would feel if I got a call to say she had died after we'd had years of not talking. This way there is still soem hope that one day it will be better, although I know if it was anyone else I'd be reading this thinking "fat chance"

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