Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How am I and my friend going to get through this?

25 replies

vworried · 22/10/2008 19:15

I have a good male friend. There has never been anything physical between us, but if I'm totally honest with myself, we are closer than we should be, as we are both married.

Today his doctor has discovered a large lump and embarked on the cycle of tests/treatment that will involve. We don't yet know what it is, but even if it is benign, it is apparently likely to mean an op, and as it is close to his spine, he is likely to be laid up for a while.

I want to support him through it, but obviously that's not really my place. I really don't want to take on the role his wife should have, but I do want to be there for him. I also feel like I need some support myself. If he does spend lengthy time in hospital etc, I will obviously be an insignificance with regard to contact/news.

Please don't flame me for the relationship - you really can't make me feel worse - I've already been through the whole this is only what you (we) deserve, it's a punishment etc....I could really do with some help.

OP posts:

Alambil · 22/10/2008 19:22

WTF is wrong with having a friend ?! Even if they are married! My best friend is married. I'm single. No problems... it's FINE to have friends of the opposite sex IMHO. Just keep it platonic!

You could visit him as a friend, send a card/pressie for recouperation... I don't think his wife would mind his friends helping to support him!

piratecat · 22/10/2008 19:25

what do you mean by 'closer than we should be'

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 19:29

There are 12 texts from him on my phone from yesterday and I have had 2 40 min tel conversations with him today! Admittedly he has been in need of someone to talk to today, and that number is unusual, but we don't often go more than a couple of days without speaking. We have been very careful not to do anything "wrong", but both admit that in another life....

Whilst I am worried about his health, I also dread the thought of not being able to see him for possibly weeks on end.

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 22/10/2008 19:38

It does sound like you would be more than firends if it was possible.
I am not judging you for that.
However out of respect for his wife i would stay in the background, unless you are a friend of hers too.
She has enough to deal with herself without worrying what your relationship is to her DH.
I would send him a card and ask if itt is OK for you to visit.
Does he want you to vist?

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 19:52

ATM he's still at work and well in himself. I will have to stay in the background and I certainly don't want to cause his wife any more worry - That's what I'm struggling with how to cope with being in the background. I'll worry and miss him lots.

ATM he wants me to be around and wants to talk to me, which I think is (a little bit) because he trying not to burden family too much until he knows what the problem is. I haven't seen him since last Fri and today he's been trying to make excuses why we need to meet up on our own tomorrow, again I think it's because he needs a friend but....

OP posts:

lisasimpson · 22/10/2008 19:57

You don't mention your husband's feelings in this - is he aware of the relationship? will that also have a bearing on how much you can contact/visit your friend?

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 19:58

Vworried - sorry to hear about your friend.

How is your DH doing? Is he acquainted with your friend and aware of how you are feeling?

Some of my close friends are married men but I am well acquainted with their wives as well.

Are you on familiar terms with his wife? If not, it's never too late to build up another friendship. Once you know his wife, she becomes a real person with feelings and vulnerabilities too.

Especially during difficult times like this, no one can doubt your thoughtfulness or sincerity as you show your concern and support to both your friend and his wife.

Resist the temptation to give in to despair. Keep your focus on being strong for your friends, who will need your support now, more than ever.

compo · 22/10/2008 20:02

honestly? I think you need to distance yourself from him. He is vunerable and it sounds likely something might happen
Worry for your marriage and let his wife worry for him. You are getting too emotionally involved and something will happen if you cary on this way.
Sorry, that is probably too honest but I speak from experience

Alambil · 22/10/2008 20:10

My best mate (the married one) and I text many times a day, are on MSN together of an evening more evenings than not...

I'm sorry - I don't see a problem other than being friends...

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 20:11

Lewis - does his wife know about all this?

OP posts:

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 20:19

Lisa/Sylvie - Dh is aware of the friendship and that we spend a lot of time together. I think he suspects there is an attraction, but he trusts me not to "misbehave" I show DH a lot of the texts, tell him of the calls and I have never met my friend without DH knowing where I am and who I am with.

We have never met each other's spouses (don't live near each other, only meet up on work days after work, in London, but commute in from opp directions)

OP posts:

newgirl · 22/10/2008 20:25

my best friend went through cancer treatment and we talked a lot and texted a lot - she was female - but it is normal for close friends

only you know if your behaviour is appropriate or not

if you truly think you two might cross a line, then be kind but hold back a bit - that would be the right thing to do

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 20:39

Perhaps you could bring DH along when you visit your friend at the hospital and get introduced to each other's spouses?

Some days I tend to chat more with my friend's wife when I returned the call. It can be quite refreshing to hear two sides of the story.

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 20:44

Newgirl - I truly don't think we would cross a line. Not physically anyway, but emotionally? Could be there already TBH. I know I need to pull back a bit, but I don't want to desert him in his hour of need (he has already said he is worried it will change things between us, as he won't be able to have as much fun/go out etc)I don't want him to think I'm not around because he's not the party animal he was.

I'm also concerned at how I would cope with not seeing him as much TBH (which I know is very selfish, but it's how I'm feeling)

OP posts:

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 20:47

But meanwhile, mention to your DH about your worries for your friend's health, and invite your friend and his wife to your home or an outing during the weekend so as to offer your support to your friend & his wife?

Original poster

vworried · 22/10/2008 20:55

See sylvie, this is where I get lost trying to convince myself it's all Ok. Don't think my friend tells his wife half of the things we do together and know he would resist us all meeting up.

I am completely happy that I am open and honest with my DH, but not at all sure that my friend is the same with his DW. i.e as long as I only think about it from my side and treat his wife as his buisness, all's OK.

OP posts:

newgirl · 22/10/2008 20:57

i think sylvie is right - if he is such a good friend invite him and wife over for lunch - as you would probably if it was a great female friend that you had got to know

if you feel uncomfortable with him meeting your husband then I think your feelings may have crossed a line

newgirl · 22/10/2008 20:58

ah crossed posts

so it sounds like he is up to something - do you really want this to stir trouble for your marriage?

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 21:02

Vworried - only one way to find out - ask your friend & his wife out or invite them to your home.

If he fends off your attempt, then the next time he asks you out suggest that your DH would like to come along too.

macdoodle · 22/10/2008 22:25

She doesnt want to though does she

travellingcircus · 22/10/2008 22:49

I think you may be right Macdoodle! This horse has already bolted- denial is useless. If he's not telling his wife then he's -A. serious about you or -B. using you !! Just friends is a nice idea but it's your ideal- not the way you're really feeling (which is why you're trying so hard NOT to think about his wife). Imagine it was your hubby with the lump and he was confiding in a close female friend that you knew little about!!! not so easy now is it. I have a habit of being b&w about these things but you need to start being honest with yourself!!! Good luck x

Original poster

vworried · 23/10/2008 22:10

Thanks for your support ladies. I said from the start that we're too close and I know I need stay in the background and let him and his family deal with it. I know that. I was just hoping for some support (or even kind words) to help me do that. Thank you Sylivie.

OP posts:

Alambil · 23/10/2008 22:16

Sorry - only just came back... yes, his wife knows everything - we are friends too but have more contact/closer relationship with best friend

He even visits me on his own - she knows.... she goes out to her mates, he goes out to his - no funny stuff, just friends

newgirl · 24/10/2008 19:33

if it helps - i think when someone you know becomes ill your feelings are heightened so this may be what's happening here - you start to think lots of 'what ifs' and want to declare your feelings etc - its a natural reaction when you care for someone - but they tend to know what you think without it being spelt out so there is no need to change the way you are together or act differently - it will all calm down and find a pattern soon enough

Anifrangapani · 25/10/2008 10:52

My dh's best mate is female. It does annoy me sometimes when I feel that he confides more in her than me, but most of the time we are cool about it all.

I am not so sure he would be as laid back about me having a close male friend

Flip