Come and slap me.

[Address]

I've been with the same bloke for 18 years, since I was a teenager. Two lovely children. I'm bored stiff - we exist in the same house and rarely have sex. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't respond in any meaningful way, goes back to talking about work all the time and never initiating sex. He doesn't socialise so bit by bit I've lost all my mates by moving.

I'm desperate to have some fun and keep thinking I'd like to just get out, but I know thats selfish and bad for the kids.

He's nice, helpful, good with the kids, hard working and we've shared lots. Its not enough at the moment.

Tell me to just knuckle down and accept I'm a mum now and can't go anywhere

bump?

Not selfish, but you dont have to go and have an affair or a divorce, what about doing a night class, or joining a gym, or choir, or something you want to do? If you interupt the stasis, he may then change a bit,and you can find a new common ground?

Oh and what would you like to be slapped with? Wet fish or back of hand?

thank you - a wet fish sounds more exiting.

I'm just sooooooo miserable and I've told him so and he just sort of pats me on the head and says 'the children are very young, it will get better' and then wanders off again. I went out for the first time in ages last week and for reasons I don't understand got some male attention in a bar. I'd forgotten how it felt.

Address, I could have written that message. Am desperate to get out/try something new ... anything to ring changes. Don't think what you're feeling is uncommon. You're not based in London by any chance??

Nope, not in London. Wish I was! I live in the country... not much going on.

Feel dried up and old, and I'm 34.

whats your situation alexw?

Agree with rempy that you need to try to perk up your relationship before you consider leaving it.

Can you afford to pay a babysitter (or can you swap babysitting favours with a friend)? If so, how about organising a night out for the two of you - cinema followed by a meal is good, as it gives you something to talk about if the conversation isn't flowing.

I'm sure we could perk it up a bit - but I'd have to be the one to do all the perkiness - I feel resentful that he can't see/hear my misery - I've told him in as many words that I'm fed up and he thinks its just because we work so hard and in a couple of years it will be fine. I've only ever been with him and I wonder if I settled for him because he made it just so easy. I wish I'd had a bit of a life before settling down - I know nothing about the world or how to stand on my own two feet.

God I'm moany I have everything I should want... but all I want is a bit of excitement.

there isn't any answer to this is there?

Hi Address. I'm 36, a teacher (secondary) live in London and have a 3 year old dd. Had a long discussion on Monday night - dh doesn't think there's a prob and once dd is older things will be better...
Don't feel bad for wanting a bit of excitement.

you sound very similar indeed to me alexw

I can hear myself sounding like one of those 'my wife doesn't understand me' men.

Are your children at school or nursery? Do you have a job outside the home? Do you get any child-free time during the day? Could you do a course or some training?

You do sound low and perhaps taking up a new interest (work-related or not) might make you feel more confident in tackling other areas of your life.

So many questions. Sorry!

Hi MadBad
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I work 3 days a week. I never ever get away from my children unless I'm working which makes me really crazy. I struggle to keep on top of the chores as well as my job.

Which brings me back to the babysitter. Could you afford to pay a childminder/babysitter so that you could do (say) an adult education class on one of your days off from work? This may not be a practical option in a rural area, I know, but if we all throw ideas at you, maybe one will be useful!

I think you are probably right - but they spend so long with the childminder that I feel taking time away from them just for me seems selfish - they're already shunted out of the house for 3 whole days. But I can also see the point that if I don't do something soon I'll crack up. On Saturday I was flirting and dancing with a bloke and could quite easily have done something silly - if I don't find an outlet for all this frustration I'm going to end up ruining our home.

Only you know what will work for you. When I got into a rut, I found that what worked for me was a bit of reinvention - changing myself meant that my relationships changed too.

Maybe your relationship really has reached its end, but (to me) it doesn't sound like it yet. Your first post suggests that you do still care for your partner. Why wasn't he out dancing with you on Saturday? I know it sounds trite, but time as a couple is so important.

I do still care, yes. I've just freaked myself out recently by how much I want to do things I can't do.

I need to focus on what I have though. I know that.

Yes, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept being unhappy. Look for things which you can change.

Mad, your advice is great. Thanks

How many husbands have had affairs, beginning by feeling the exact same way you do now?

And how many wives have said to themselves later, "why didnt he tell me he was feeling bored/ unappreciated/unsexed/whatever."

At least you're trying to communicate. Keep trying and as someone else said, start with yourself. "Be the change" (you may throw up now!)

Alexw - thanks but oh, crikey. I don't feel qualified to give anyone advice about relationships. I'm just throwing out suggestions - some of which are no doubt wildly inappropriate - in the hope that one might be useful.

And Diva is right - communication is essential.

thank you mad - you have good ideas and a level attitude which is what I need.