Sad that not one of DP's friends or family remembered DD's 1st birthday

[RamblingRosa]

Actually, his friends forgot but his sisters (who he claims to be close to) remembered and made a point of not getting in touch with him/us because they were annoyed at not being invited to DD's party.

I know it sounds bad that they weren't invited but we'd agreed to keep it small (he's got a big family) and simple (I've got a complicated, divorced family!) and just have a few friends with babies over. This had been explained to them.

DP spent most of the day crying as he was so upset that no one had remembered. He's since forgiven them but I'm still furious.

These sisters are in their 40s/50s and all have kids so they should know better than to throw a strop because they're not invited to a baby party.

I don't really need advice, just feeling really sad about it and like I don't know how to broach the subject with SILs. It makes me feel like I just don't want to have anything to do with them (they were pissing me off before this happened) but I know that's not realistic.

Am I over-reacting or have they behaved disgracefully?

Maybe they are planning to give him a gift the next time you meet up? If they werent invited were you expecting them to post gifts?

They have behaved disgracefully. Even if I was super pissed at you for not inviting me and even if you had not bothered to tell me why, I would not take that out on my DN & DB. Poor DP (and you).
I think you will have to sort this out tho for future BDays. Its bad enough DP being so upset, at least now DD doesn't know. She will if this continues.
Be the bigger, better person for her. Arrange 2 parties if necessary. So each family can have her all to themselves and she gets doubly spoiled on her special day!

I don't know how much of a strop they threw so can't say if they behaved disgracefully.How do you know they made a point of not getting in touch?

However as a rule of thumb I think you chould never EXPECT anyone to make a fuss of your kids birthdays.If they do it's nice . If they don't, hey ho.

And I would never expect my dps friends to remember my kids' birthdays.

As a rule I don't remember my friends kids' birthdays, or those of my nieces and nephews.

why would your dp spend most of the day crying because his sisters and friends didn't phone? Seems rather melodramatic. Your dd was too young to even realise what was happening so what were they going to say when they did phone?

Most of my friends have never remembered my DCs birthdays.

Your SILs however, most definitely DID remember. And they wanted to come to your DD's party and make a fuss of her (unusual, IME, and rather sweet, it's usually a 3-line whip to get family to come to a first birthday party) - but you wouldn't let them.

Childish of them to ignore the day, however. But what should they have done? If they had brought presents round might you have thought that they were trying to make you feel bad on the day? If they had phoned to say Happy Birthday - quite apart from their being little point for a one year old - might it have interrupted the party and been seen as an unfriendly gesture.

What do you think they ought to have done?

Bottom line is you snubbed them and they snubbed you back.

Do you not send cards jasper? I don't make any kind of fuss with regards to gifts (I'd be bleedin' skint!) but I'd never let a birthday pass without a card.

I suppose it depends, doesn't it?
If you don't make a fuss for others and they don't make a fuss for you, and all are happy with this arrangement, then excellent.
But if you make an effort with others and they then snub you (especially family, grrr) then I think you've every right to be a bit wounded. i would be.

It wasn't about the presents, it was about them knowing that it was DD's birthday (they did remember) and making a point of not getting in touch. I know that they knew (IYSWIM!) because DP has since had it out with them and they told him that they hadn't been in touch because they were pissed off at not being invited to the party.

I did think of organising 2 seperate parties but TBH, things are rubbish between DP and me, I do everything, I'd already organised everything to do with the birthday (even though I'm the one who's working and doing most of the childcare while he sits around on his lazy bum!) and things aren't great with the in laws so I thought maybe DP could organise that side of things. I'd talked to him well in advance and suggested that maybe he should organise something for his sisters which of course he hadn't got round to doing. So I suppose it's partly his fault. It just upsets me that they took it out on him and DD in that way.

They've given presents since (all this happened a week ago and he's been in touch with them since). But I still feel really pissed off about it all and don't know how to confront them about it.

I think this is an issue between you and dp. What would you confront them about?

Balloon slayer, I was just hoping that they might send a card or call my DP. Maybe I'm wrong.
I didn't mean to snub anyone. Just trying to keep party small and simple so as not to overwhelm DD.
nulgirl, I suppose it was a bit melodramatic. Well, he wasn't crying the whole day. I'm exaggerating. He was miserable for the whole day and crying for a small part of it. He was really gutted because his baby's birthday was important to him and he felt like none of his family cared. I think the fact that all of my family, friends, and neighbours all made a really big fuss and sent cards and presents and called up on the day.

Ah. If they have given gifts since and your DP messed up, I would be tempted to offer an olive branch, even if you are still pissed about it. Start by thanking them for the lovely gifts, hopefully, next birthday when she's more aware, she will thank them herself at her daddy family party. If he's so crap, then you'll have to arrange it, I'm afraid. DD shouldn't miss out. Even if you are not struck on them, they are DDs family and you do seem to want them involved in DDs life

Is DD his daughter? It sounds as though his sisters were being mean, but he does sound really immature if he'd cry and sulk all day because of nasty relatives. I'm sure that really helped you and your daughter. If my husband behaved like that I'd be annoyed with him. His reactions are more important to his kids than those of their aunties.

Hopefully it'll be a lesson to him that he needs to round people up a bit himself and remind them it's DD's birthday.

A family member missed our youngest's birthday this year. We had forgotten to remind him, we didn't realise he had become forgetful. When he did remember he felt terrible - and so did we!

Yeah, maybe it is more about me and DP and DP being a bit crap. In fact, was going to start a thread about whether I should split up with DP but got distracted by this issue!
It's true that he should have explained the situation better to his sisters and he should have organised something for them and reminded them etc. He also shouldn't have let his feelings ruin the day.
I probably should do more to extend an olive branch but I'm feeling so angry with DP the whole time, I don't really have the energy to keep all of his family sweet too!
Thanks for the different points of view. The main thing is that DD is too young to care anyway. If we;re still together next year I'll make sure DP does his bit to keep all the family involved.

feelingbit better no I don't even send cards. I don't even know when my nieces and nephews birthdays are!

we are actually a very close and loving family, we just don't do all that stuff.

I decided a long time ago not to do birthdays on the general rule every kid I know gets far too much stuff.And I have yet to meet a kid who is particularly impressed with a card.

When each of my nieces and nephews turn 21 I send them a whopping cheque which has gone down very well!

RR what you said about not having the energy to keep his family sweet - that is what I think about birthdays!

I have about 20 neices and nephews.
I only send cards to my mum , dad, sisters and brother.Spmetimes I forget. Noone minds in the slightest.

Cards and gifts are no proof of love

Hope you had a lovely day anyhow