I want things to get better but I feel so bitter

[jnmum]

Hi, I am a single parent of a five year boy. I have been on my own since I was pregnant and sometime I find life incredibly hard. I am very lonely but I have some good friends and a reasonable job, my own house etc.

I have a long standing problem. I honestly just want your opinions because I think I've got to the point of becoming depressed and can't think straight anymore.

My three brother's partners all got pregnant at the same time as me, however my partner left when I was pregnant. It was a difficult time for me and I ended up moving to near my parents when I was 8 months pregnant. I also had a very difficult pregnancy. I wasn't the easiest person at that time because I was very low about everything. At one point I had a row with one brother, but couldn't think straight and he didn't speak to me for months.

Anyway, a year down the line - I had a lovely boy, a good part time job, a lovely flat and had made friends and was close to my family. My brother who I had rowed with and I were close again and I went to his future wife's hen do with my parents babysitting. I didn't know her well as they had only been together about 18 months but we had always got on well, met up with our babies etc.

At the hen do, she got very drunk and at the end of the evening was just me and her at her house. She started saying to me that her Dad had committed suicide and had abused her. I was shocked and tried to sympathise with her but she changed the subject. I remember saying something along the lines of how much my brother loved her but also said that proof of that was that he was committing himself to her unlike other women he had dated (which she was aware of) that he hadn't been so committed to - including his ex fiance who had left for her. It was meant in a nice way but I can see that she probably misinterpreted the intentions and thought I was saying what a bastard he was. I don't know.

Anyway, she then said that I was lucky to come from such a close family and that 'I was the cross my Dad had to bear...'she also said that me and my middle brother had never been close and that 'My Dad had been at his wits end about me'.

I can't remember much more apart from leaving as soon as I could. I went to their wedding but I hated her from that moment onwards. My parents totally agreed with me in that my Dad totally denied having said or felt such a thing and were furious on my behalf. My Dad wrote to her asking her to explain herself but she never did.

Four years down the line, I still feel enourmous hurt. I feel I am carving out as good a life as I can for me and my son but have lost the close family I once had. I now hardly ever see her or my brother and have alot of self doubt. I don't know whether she was referring to the fact I am a single parent and my Dad may have said he was worried about me or referring to the row when I was pregnant and therefore referring to my personality (which I think the circumstances would have slightly unhinged anyone - to be dumped when you are 4 months pregnant).

I have had so much sadness and bitterness about this. I don't know whether she said it out of retaliation about what I said or not.

I did try to discuss it with my brother but he said that I had said awful things that night but I am sure from what I can remember that the two conversations were not straight after each other.

Over the years me and my brother have drifted totally apart and we very rarely see each other. I am very lonely and although I would love a closer family I can't see it happening.

Recently I saw a close friend, someone I have known my entire life and who has only met her once at my son's christening. I told her the story and she said that she thought my SIL was acting out of retaliation, that I had to let it go and that a single parent is more of a burden to their parents. Then last night I saw that my SIL had added my close friend to her facebook friends! They have only met once and she would have got her name from my brother's contacts.

I even had a bad dream about this last night.

Please can you give me some advice.

I know I need to let it go, but wouldn't you be hurt by what she had said? and don't you think it strange that she added my childhood closest friend to her friends list on facebook?

I really hope someone can give me some perspective on this

Oh dear, you really really need to get over this. This is NOTHING. She made a drunken remark probably based in truth (you went through a hell of a lot and your family were bound to have been worrying about you). this is no reason to not speak to her, she doesn't sound malicious at all. she is probably wondering what the hell she has done and posting on a forum about her mad in-laws. Bury the hatchet and make friends with her and your brother. Life is too short.

I don't understand why you think it is nothing. She said my Dad said 'I was the cross he had to bear...' that isn't nothing. It is saying I was a burden to my family and I don't feel I was or am. I understand I have to find to let it go but I feel that sending my oldest friend a facebook friends request who she has met once is a way of getting at me...which it has. But its true I could be paranoid.

Oh come on now, do you believe that that is true? that he thinks you are the cross he has to bear? No well then, let it go. I do think you are being paranoid actually. Adding an acquaintance as a face book friend is hardly a dig at you You sound a little obsessed and self absorbed. Why not try to forgive and forget, you are only harming yourself by obsessing about this perceived slight.

because at the time I was in a very difficult situation. I was dumped when I was four months pregant by my long term boyfriend who I havent seen since. I was really vulnerable and three SILs were pregnant at the same time. It was really hard. I tried as I have always been to be self sufficient but felt I needed support at that time. She said something awful. Thats how I saw it.

completly agree with carmenere. You need to let this go. Your dad does not think you are the cross he has to bear and so it doesnt matter how your SIL percieves the sitution.

And have you been on facebook? Everybody adds everybody. My dh is a facebook addict and he adds people he didnt even like so dont take any notice of that.

Yes she said something that hurt you. You may have said something that hurt her (you cant remember). But it was ages ago and you had both been drinking, you need to let this go.

Its eating you up and thats not healthly

She was drunk, she said something, it was most likely not true, just her interpretation of something her brother may have been saying, and a long time ago now. It really is nothing too bad. Let it go.

I do think it reality you are all right. But I am not sure. They've never invited me over since, nor I them. The closeness my brother and I once had is gone. I agree about facebook but she could have added me but chose my friend who she met once. I do agree that given the way I feel I wouldn't have added me either but she does know that my friend and I are like sisters and have known each other all our lives...

She probably hasnt asked you over because of the letter you're dad wrote to her.

You really need to take a step back and look at it from their point of view, as hard as that may be.

My Dad wrote the letter whether I wanted him to or not. I actually said not to but he said he wanted to because what she had said wasnt true.

I've discovered that my brother has deleted his facebook account (I think he wasn't supposed to use it at work and said he was going to delete it) and she has set one up and taken on his contacts except for me. so it does seem that she is pursuing this even if I don't want to.

I just wish this had never happened.

as I think this is what has happened with regards facebook i.e - she has taken on his contacts and as she has always pretended to be civil with me, I think this is outrightly snubbing me - to take on my brother's contacts but not me. Don't you find it a bit strange?

ok, so its the facebook thing that rehashed all this for you.

Your brother may not know that you didnt want your dad to write that letter. Even if your dad has told your brother that is the case, your brother may hold it against you for involving him in the first place.

I am not blaming you in anyway. I'm just trying to see it from thier point of view.

If I was I would try and get in contact with brother, apoolgise for anything you may have done that has upset him and see if he is willing to make peace as well.

You know, I dont know what came first, you telling her about his other girlfriends or her telling you that "you are the cross your dad has to bear"
But, she may have felt it like a slap in the face to be reminded about her fiances other girlfriends on her hen night. And she may well have wanted to lash out where it hurts the most, your relationship with your dad, as she doesnt have one. Her father killed herself.

YOU had a father who loved you. She did not. Being reminded of her fiances past girlfriends may have been too much for her.

The next thing that happens is that her new husbands father is writing to her, so it becomes clear that you have told your parents what she stupidly said when drunk, and she as the new bride in the family is humiliated and her possible dreams of a family life with her husbands family is dashed too.

You will probably never know what went on in her mind that evening, and why. But, the fact is, you have realized you made a mistake, and you need to put this right. You need to talk to your brother and see if they want to take up relations with you again.

Please try and put aside the fact that you were dumped when 4 months pregnant, and try and see the events from the perspective of your brother and his wife. How are their relationship with your father/rest of family now? Strained? Good? What does your father really think about her? etc.
Try and look at this from the perspective of all the people involved, and not just you.

This silly drunken evening has ruined things for you, but I dare say they ruined quite a bit for her too. And your brother, and you need to recognize this if you are to reconcile.

I am not surprised she does not want you on face book. You are the woman who ruined her relationship with her inlaws and put her inlaws up against her. Like you said, your parents were "furious with her". For a silly drunken remark.

I remember your previous thread on this, too, although it was some time ago. It is clear that you are really hurting, and you need to make steps to reconcile. For your sake, as well as theirs.

But, I am going to throw in a thought. Could it be that you subconsciously wanted to hurt her a little that evening? She was getting married, she had it all, the love of her life, the baby, the wedding coming up, while you were dumped? Could it be that you were a little jealous, subconsciously you had wanted to hurt her, by commenting on your brothers string of other girlfriends? And she in desperation retaliated?
If so. Tell them. And tell your parents the full story of what was said that night. Good Luck.

No I definately wasn't trying to hurt her that night although I can see why you might think that. I did tell my parents the full story of what was said that night as well.

I am still hurt and regret what I said in that it was tactless but what she said was in my opinion far worse. She was being spiteful whereas I genuinely wasn't (although I can see that she might not think it that way).

So your hurt is more important than hers? Sorry but you are being childish, get over it, make friends with her and your db. Although it is natural to be tender due to what you went through (but it was a while ago now) it is unlikely that you are going to get anyone to say you are 100 per cent in the right. As I have said before life is too short, you are only hurting yourself.

Blimey - it was her hen night - she's spilling her guts about being abused and her dad committing suicide. You then try to make her feel better by mentioning her soon to be DH's past girlfriends.

She then mentions you had been a bit of a burden/worry to your parents (which you do sort of admit you were when you were pregnant) and you basically ruined her relationship with your parents.

You are then worrying about why she doesn't seem to like you?

If i were you i'd take the initiative and apologise to her and just clear the air.