need common sense advice...not a debate on the rights and wrongs of porn

[saytheword]

ok,

I'm a regular but name changed to hide the shame.

I'm 7 months pregnant and really suffering with spd. Totally fed up and on constant pain, as well as running about after my 2 other dc's (4.7 & 21m). We live far away from family and friends so are pretty much on our tods here. Don't know if any of that's relevant but am just setting the scene.

DH and I have always, always had issues over his porn use, I hate it but he still uses it, although afaik nowhere near as much as he used to. Back in April, not long after I found out I was pg again (unplanned and still in shock!), I found that he'd been signing up to porn sites, he denied it, and in my over-emotional state I told hom I didn't want to stay married to him if I was going to have to deal with this for the rest of our lives. Bit dramatic but I was so pissed off.

He seemed to take me seriously, told me to put net nanny on the pc, which I did, for a month, and all seemed ok.

Anyway, I've just seen that he has since signed up to various websites - this involves paying a sub fee which he then cancels soon after (once he's got his rocks off, I suppose), this can be at a cost of about 20quid a time. Just something else that pisses me off, that he spends money to have a wank.

So, of course I'm annoyed - last night while he was apparently studying he was having a toss. I do NOT care that he's sorting himself out, btw - sex is the last thing on my mind. I'm on agony all the time. He does not want to have sex either as he feels it's not 'right' while I'm pg. His issue.

It's just that the website he was looking at featured a model who was apparently 18- but she honestly looked younger. Like about 15 or 16. Makes me feel very uneasy.

I can't tell him I was snooping, and I was blatantly doing just that, but I need to let him know that him looking at that kind of site makes me very concerned. He's always gone for not-quite-hardcore stuff, but def favours the younger model, shall we say. I should add that I've never had any reason to think he's got any illegal tendencies, if that makes sense.

I don't know what I want to be told, advice wise. Sorry this was all a bit of a ramble.

it's actually helpful to know I'm not the only female who's ever struggled with this~ thanks for your input.

Hi saytheword I also know how you feel - we have a 7wk old baby and I found out my DH was using porn when I was pg (and before, actually!).

It did upset me but he explained it as because I was feeling so rubbish he didn't want be hassling me for sex, which I appreciated.

We have a really good sex life now (although not that often with a tiny baby!) but having thought about this long and hard (perhaps not the best choice of phrase!! ) over the years I have decided 'not to take it personally' as you said in a previous post. That doesn't mean I still don't find it a bit - I don't find it a turn on.

We've been together since I was 19 and when I first found out I was shocked. However, when I thought about it I couldn't really justify my annoyance - he loves me, we have a good sex life and I really do believe it when he says he doesn't compare us having sex with him having a wank.

I also agree with your comment that I can't imagine either of us saying 'night then - I'm off for a wank.' So, from this point of view the 'secrecy' is par for the course...

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, I just wanted to empathise, especially as you said that you appreciate knowing you're not the only one struggling with it. With the amount of porn on the internet you can be completely sure you're not!!

love the name, DunderMifflin!

I actually believe that if it wasn't for the amount of porn on t'internet we wouldn't have a problem. When we got married, he actually put his vast amount of porn, all magazines, into binbags and took them all to the dump. Made me feel brilliant, and he knew that, but then we get a pc and the temptation is too great for him. It's just too easy. And easy for him to cover his tracks. And I know he deletes history etc to avoid me finding out and therefore avoid any hurt and arguments, but it doesn't work like that!

It amazes me that so many people are so calm about this. Saytheword, I think you are right to be disturbed and feel sad, concerned, rejected. Maybe I am old fashioned but I think this porn surfing is a sexual betrayal. I also know the sort of sites you are talking about- there is no confusion. These girls are SUPPOSED to look childlike and alluring-bald, pigtailed and pubescent looking. We are kidding ourselves to believe 'they just look younger now we are older'- bollocks; porn used to be about dodgy mustached ADULTS in living rooms, and Linda Lusardi types. It is now sophisticated and disturbing and is MAINLY catering for borderline paedo fantasies. Sorry-that is the truth. I watched someone I loved getting drawn deeply into a porn addiction.

Advice? Take it seriously. Say clearly and and plainly how rejected and ugly it makes you feel. I know if my husband was using my home, our computer, our time, to masturbate over these sorts of images it would make me feel worthless. Tell him it will erode your relationship and your sexual attraction to him; because it will. Tell him it is not the norm, despite the fact that so many other people (including people here) seem to think it 'harmless'. Stop apologising and wishing you were 'cool' with it all. It is not ok. It will get worse. It will come between you, just as a sexual affair would. It does not include you, and by its very nature, never will. Stop being so understanding about it.I know I sound harsh but this won't go away. He is hurting you and he is hurting your marriage and he can't, or won't,stop.

He got you pregnant, he was there at the time of conception I take it, it's up to him to put his needs in the back burner while you are creating new life inside of you, his genes, his baby for god's sake. He should be grateful that somebody chose to have his children. And to pay for porno, sorry, reckless, stupid behaviour. You need every penny to make ends meet when new baby arrives. Plus porno is degrading to women, the women have no feelings in those pictures, they are just objects, there to satisfy the man only. He might carry this image into your relationship, if he is seriously addicted to this stuff. That would worry me too. Why do mumsnetters always worry about their men's sexual needs? Put your own nees first for once, and stop talking like you are doormats.

Hmmm - it's a tricky situation. For what it's worth, I am one of those women who don't have a problem with the whole porn thing so I have very different opinions on the whole thing from the other ladies here!

Paying for it, if it's not something that you can afford, is definitely not on and you should definitely not tolerate that regardless.

My question would be: Is this something that he has always done, even when your sex life was normal? I suppose my point is that there is a difference (at least in my mind) between using it as a compliment to your sex life and as a replacement for it. Does he avoid sex with you and use porn instead? If so, that's definitely a problem...

That's a very personal question so don't feel the need to answer - just something to think about! I don't think it's a particularly helpful position to attack him over this as I don't think that will particularly solve much. Better to open a frank dialogue about it - what does he get out of it and what does he want?

I don't have a problem with porn. I know that my DH sometimes (if I am out) looks at nekkid ladies on the web and has a posh wank.

And sometimes I read 'erotic literature' when he's out and indulge in a posh wank too!

It's a private thing I guess, and it has no impact on our relationship.

However, if I was 'at home' and putting the kids to bed and he was flicking one off the wrist I'd be annoyed. I wouldn't read my mucky books (!) and flick one off while he was cooking the dinner for example...

If you are not having sex at the moment then fair enough he might need to sort himself out...but you shouldn't need to be aware of it.

How would you feel if he was 'sorting himself out' without the porn? Would that still bother you?

I do think that we are all entitled to have a fiddle with ourselves without having to disclose that to our partners,but if it's like a separate sexual existance then it's an issue.