Pregnant and in a mess

[frekkles]

hello all,

I've been reading this message board for little while, but this is the first time I've posted. It seems like there are some wise and kind souls here, so I thought I'd ask for perspectives on my situation.

I'm 34. I split up with my fiancee of 8 years last november. It was my choice and one that i found very difficult to come to terms with. I'd been unhappy for years as although I love my ex deeply , we had many problems. He was more my best friend than my lover, we had no sex life, no social life and his recurrent problems with self confidence and depression meant I was often his only support emotionally and sometimes financially too. I did and still do really love him, but i realised that although I really wanted marriage and children, i couldn't do it with him. I needed more

I moved out of our shared house for three months when we split. These months were very dark as I beat myself up for hurting him and he tried to persuade me to come back . I ended up having a breakdown and on seroxat and in counselling. in january my exes mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour and i couldn;t cope with his unhappiness anymore and so moved back in, as a friend and flatmate as he didn;t have anyone else. i tried to be his friend and have continued to try to be his friend all year. . i tried to move out again in may, but he persuaded me not to, saying he would only be my friend if i stayed. I didn't want to lose his friendship, partly because i love him still, partly because i'm scared for him how he cope on his own. so i stayed all summer.

In this time i have been seeing another man. this man has been a friend of mine for 5 years. Prior to me spltting up with my fiancee i knew he had feelings for me, and reciprocated secretly but didn't do anything about it. Last march, 5 months after me and my ex split i started seeing him and we've enjoyed a passionate and fun summer. My ex knows about this, i haven't hidden it from him, although i haven't gone into detail.

I found out at the beginning of sept that i'm pregnant by my new man. it's properly shocked me. He's very happy and supportive and wants me to move in with him and be a family. i'm in shock. i was just having fun, and although i love him, i wasn't planning on all this happening and feel like i need time to myself. he's impatient and wants me to commit to him. i don't know if i'm coming or going

I haven't told my ex yet, i can't till i move out. My ex is still not wanting me to move out and still trying to convince me i'm wrong to leave him. his mum's still ill etc. I know i need to move out now because i can't cope so i've made steps. i told my ex i would be moving at the beginning of sept and he has been fighting me about it ever since. I have a new place to go to now (on my own) and move in 3 weeks, although i am paying rent on my flat with my ex until the end of november to give him more time to move. He won't accept it though. he's in a deep depression. i feel responsible.

my new man is lovely, very suportive and patient and sexy and kind, but since i've been pregnant i've been doubting him and the relationship. i feel totally unsure of everything and so scared

i need to pack and get out of here. i feel paralysed. i'm going to miss my ex and worry about him. i scared he'll hate me and it'll finish him off when i tell him i'm pregnant. i'm worried about new bloke too, worried he;lll lose patience with me, worried he's not the one and i'll be unhappy, worried it's such a young relationship and now we'll be parents. i'm so scared and emotionally exhausted and guilty and full of fear. i don't feel like i can become a mother. the pregnancy feels so unreal. the next few weeks are going to be so hard..

i've rambled...... i'm sorry..... trying to get it all out.....

Whenever and however you choose to tell your ex he will be hurt... but it may help. He may need something as permanent as this to make him realise that this is the difference between a friend and a lover. He may be trying to cling onto what you had but if he really does just want to be friends then he'll have to come to terms with it. Friendship isn't dependency.

As for your new man... is there any question about keeping this baby? If you already know you're going to have the baby then you have to realise that this new man will always be part of your life in some respects, be it as a partner or just as the father of your child.

If it makes you feel any better, when I first found out I was pregnant I felt the same as you (full of fear, etc) although I was in a pretty established relationship. I think most people feel confused like this if the pregnancy is unexpected.

Difficult situation, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing in moving somewhere of your own. After 8 years in previous relationship and the fact that you are still emotionally involved even if not otherwise with ex, I'm not surprised you don't feel quite ready to jump in to something new.

Are you going to be able to live in the new paace with your baby? When is it due?

oh sweetheart, I sympathise with you so so much.
I think you need to make it clear to your Ex that the relationship is over and he can not keep you with manipulation and feeling sorry for him.

Having pity for someone is not the same as loving them, also if your new man is kind and you are keeping the baby then why should you give up on being happy just because your ex guilt trips you in to staying.
I think your new man has been very good to wait so long for you to leave.
If you let this situation drag on it will bring a world of pain to all involved (and that will include a innocent child)

Deep breath and move on, also having a baby is the most scary thing in the world.

Think you have alot to get your head round at the moment.

Try and seperate the issues,and deal with them one by one.

There is no rules abouthaving to be "a family" etc.If I was in your situation,I'd give myself (and your newish relationship) some breathing space.

I would'nt rush into the new relationship just because of the Baby.

The new DP sound nice,give yourself time to be sure of this.As SAG said,he'll always be a part of the baby's life,but don't load unnecessary pressure on yourself to make yourself into the "perfect family".

Live your life,try to enjoy your pregnancy,share as much of it,(or as little of it) with him as you wish to.Enjoy being a couple as things will obviously be very very different when LO is here.Build your relationship up slowly,and then see whether you want the "commitments" he is offering.It isn't obligatory just because you are carrying his baby.

Good Luck

i am going to keep the baby, i never thought i'd be able to get pregnant as I have polycystic ovaries and was told when i was 16 i'd never kid kids. to say being pregnant is a shock would be a big understatement, but i could never change it now. especially when i'm 34.

the place i'm moving too don't know i'm pregnant. it's probably not going to be somewhere they'd want me to have a baby, as it's a shared house. I don't know if they'll be happy or not when they find out i'm pregant either. not due till april so figured i'd cross that bridge when i came to it, and just concentrate on moving out of here first.

i haven't told nayone apart from my sister that i'm pregnant yet as i want to tell my ex first, and be be moved out of here first too. so i feel so isolated. my name man lives an hour away to, and he works weeks and i work weekends. not socialising much and not seeing friends means it's been just me and my ex alot recently.

i've been thinking about taking the pressure off too, but then i'm scared he;ll lose patience if i don't give him something back. he's been so patient waiting for me.

it's his birthday on saturday and he's going out for a meal with (our) friends, I don;t want to go as i don't want to explain why i'm not drinking. i know he's dissapointed, he just wants to tell everyone. i feel sad for him that he doesn't have a normal girlfriend. but i don't feel like i want to tell anyone ever as i know how much hurt it'll cause my ex.

very sorry for my rubbish typing by the way

My heart goes out to you, what a difficult situation. However, the most important thing now is you and your baby, and taking care of yourselves, really above all others.

fwiw, I ended up marrying a man I shouldn't have in my 20's, purely because I loved him in the way you describe you love your ex, and also because he had horrible problems that I felt would drag him under if I left.

Ultimately the responsiblity got too much for me and I left anyway, after 2.5 years of marriage. He was heartbroken, within a year and a half had met and married a lovely girl and now has 2 children with her. I suppose what I am saying is that a) I'm not sure that taking responsibility for somebody else can ever really work, even just as friends and b) it may be that once he gets through the bad bit, he will actually blossom because its a fresh start for him as well?

Is there anyway that you can move out sooner than 3 weeks? The sooner you can get through the bits you are dreading, the sooner you can start putting the rest of the pieces together?

Also, huge congratulations! I had my first baby 7 months ago and he is the most complete joy, it is truely the most special thing, but it took me the first half of the pregnancy to really believe it was actually happening, so as others have said, don't be freaked out that it all feels scary, wierd and unreal, I reckon thats pretty common even in planned pregnancies

You feel responsible for your ex don't you?
You are NOT responsible for his happiness- only he is. Once you accept that, you will move-on.

He is using emotional blackmail. Can you see that?
His mother is not your responsibility. It is sad that her illness has coincided with your breaking up- but that's life- he has got to deal with it. At the moment you are mothering your ex.

You need to be assertive and live your life- at the moment you seem to be bending in the wind and thinking of everyone else first.

I do not think you are making a good choice about keeping the pregnancy from your house mates- that is unfair and underhand. You need to perhaps find somewhere else, or at least tell them and offer to find another place.

Don't make a decision over the baby's father in a rush- get a place of your own and have a few months deciding what you really want.

Cut off your ties with the ex and move on- he will be hurt, but he will also get over it. Be brave! You seem to have man who thinks the world of you, so give your new life a chance.

i should have just left for good a year ago and by now we'd have both been healed and moved on. i couldn't though. he was telling me that he'd never see or speak to me again, i couldn't cope with that. and he was suicidal.i couldn't cope with that either.
i do still love him, i'm terrified of him not being in my life. sometimes this makes me feel that i've made the wrong decision. we get on so well on so many levels. but i do know that i was unhappy for years and that i made the choice and i have to stand by it.
i'm so scared though
i felt strong and happy in the summer, why since i've found out i'm pregnant have my emotions gone haywire? I've started wishing the baby was my exes.
i don't uderstand why my feelings for new man have changed? i can't fault his reaction and support.

i agree, i'm not comfortable with not tellling my new flatmates, but i don't feel i have a choice at the moment. It's a very cheap place, the only place i can afford at the moment. I need to get out of here quickly. otherwise i'd need to wait a few months to save up enough for extra rent and deposit. i'll tell them when i've moved in, there's a 3 month trial so i guess that i'll move out after then. being selfish i guess. evryone keeps telling me i need to be selfish more. so here goes.

I agree mostly with HF, but feel that if you have found an alternative place to live,you don't need the complications of trying to find somewhere else at this stage.

As we have all said you need to think of yourself and baby first and foremost now,so I would move into the new place,as you will be paying rent etc. and not "depriving" your housemates of anything except something which needs to be private,at the moment.

I moved into my first flat when I was pregnant and divorcing my DH.I didn't tell the Landlord,but in time as we got to know each other,he was fine about me staying there,and actually helped me alot.

You have plenty of time to tell them,when you have your head a little straighter.

thank you x

i'm not expecting to try and stay there with a new born. I don't know whether they'd want me to or whether I'd want to either. Although it is a woman's only housing coop (half my flat mates will be hippy lesbians ) and the people are lovely so I'm hoping they might be understanding and maybe even supportive once they get to know me.

new man really wants me to move in with him now, but he does understand why i don't want to and even though he is hurt, he is supportive an patient. I guess i have in my head that hopefully my emotions will stabilise, and come february maybe i'll be ready to look for a place with him. i hope i feel this way. I don't really want to bring a baby up alone. financially also i'm self employed and therefore a little buggered financially if i'm not working, new man earns good money and wants to support me.

i really just want my emotions to settle down. i'm so up and down constantly just now. thought i was feeling a bit better yesterday joined a pregnancy singing group and it was sunny and felt optimistic. but then came home and ex is crying . and i phoned new man for a chat and felt nothing when i want to be feeling love. and then cried myself to sleep, feeling like i've given up and hurt deeply someone who loves me, for someone that i don't. and that i'm going to be alone with a baby and that's my karma

aaaagh

Your feelings at the moment must be all over the place.

When I was getting Divorced from ExH,I used to dream we hadn't decided to split,and I'd wake up sad and frightened about what was to come (I was 3 months pregnant) as time went on I'd have the same dream,but wake up in a panic for the first few minutes because I thought it was real,and then huge relief came over me when I realised that we were still getting Divorced.

At the moment,its all the unknown to you,it is natural to want what is familiar and "safe",so the "new" relationship naturally looks more daunting,and you'd prefer things to "stay the same" in some respects,for security.

This does pass honestly,and if you stay away from Ex DP,you will be able to make clearer decisions,and probably see in time that your new DP is the better option.

Welcome to Motherhood,it starts as early as this,wanting to provide a secure place to bring your DC into,surrounded by people who will love them.Thats what you should do,surround yourself with close famly and friends,who will support you and help you feel secure.

I thank God for those feelings,that make you "see" things more clearly,and want to put whats best in the long run , for your LO, first. If I hadn't had had them,I would be stuck in a bad marriage,instead of happily remarried to my lovely "New" DH,and we have had 2 DD's as well!

I agree with a lot of what sawyer says.

Often the thought of losing something ( your ex) is more frightening than the reality- you are clinging on to it as you are scared of change.

I have never been in your situation, but I did walk away from a 5 yr relationship where we had sexual problems ,and I loved the man very much. At the time, I could not imagine living without him and it was a terrible wrench. I still care for him in a way, even though we are now both married, and we stay in touch occasionally, which is the best I could hope for, and I know I made the right decision.

You don't have to lose all contact with your ex long term- it might be possible to be friends once you are in another relationship and settled.

You ave to ask whether it is the security of your ex that is making you want to stay, or the fear of being with someone new.

Might it help to write down all the reasons why you decided to leave him and look at them and see if anything has changed?

from what you say, he does sound weak and clingy and emotionally dependent on you- is this the sort of person to offer you support in your life when you need it?

Congratulations by the way. Even with planned pregnancies your hormones are all over the place and it can be a very confusing time espeacially when the reality of it all kicks in, so no wonder your head is all over the place. I think you are doing the right thing moving out on your own you need distance from your ex and jumping into a commitment because of a baby is entirely the wrong reason and can often end in unhappiness. If you do decide to commit to your new fella it should be for the same reasons that you would chose to commit to him if you were not pregnant. Regarding your ex, yes he will be hurt but it might just be the shock or closure he needs to realize it is over and try to move on.
Regarding the possibilty of bringing up the baby alone. Yes at times it is hard. But I have done the upbring up a baby in a very unhappy marriage and I have also done lone parent with a 3 week old baby and a 16 month toddler. Looking back bringing the children up alone is so much easier than bringing the one up in a unhappy marriage. I was the most dependant person I knew, I was so scared When I ended up alone and really didnt think I could do it. I know realize there was something alot stroger in me than I had ever realized. I am now married to a lovely man and very happy. Please dont settle just because you feel you have to. I think once you get some distance from your ex and the shock of your pregnancy settles down hopefully you will see more clearly how you feel about this new man.
Joining a pregnancy group is a good idea, now is the time to concentrate on you and the baby. Keep coming here for help, people are always willing to help.
Good luck

thank you all very much, it's so comforting to hear from others that have been through similar ... today was a better day. i went to see a dr from the mental health team that my midwife referred me too, and he made me feel a bit stronger and better supported. thank you again. i'm going to get a train now and go and spend the night at my new man's place and try and have some no pressure fun . no doubt i'll be back soon. has meant alot to me reading your comments and advice though x

hello again

my ex's mum's taken a turn for the worse, after having had an operation and radiotherapy this year and being toldat the end of august that the tumor wasn't regrowing, in the last two weeks she's been having seizures and an MRI scan yesterday confirmed that's it's regrown, and agressively quickly. He's gone back to his family home this morning to be with her.

Obviously he's devastated about his mum, but the other level to this is that I'm moving out on 9th ish november. Now on one hand I'm maybe a little relieved because it means I can pack and move out without him being here and that'll certainly be easier and less emotionally draining for me. Any packing I've tried to do so far has had us both in tears and been a precurser to a nights crying and arguing and hugging. But I'm so sad for him, that when he comes back, he'll not only be possibly be greiving for his mum but i'll have gone too. i can't quite conscience doing that to him.

I know i have to though. this baby gets more and more to me real everyday.

He's in an unsure place as to whether he should or shouldn't just move home anyway when I move out. It's going to be a financial struggle keeping the house on without me, and although he may be able to get a flatmate in, he's self employed and therefore won't be earning any money while he's away. He wants to keep his life on here though as he thinks it'll feel that he's lost absolutely everything if he gives it up, and moves back to his family home. He feels he wants to keep the security of this flat. But equally he's 500 miles away from his mum and feels he may not have much time with her left and feels torn. I think I'm also a big factor in him not going home, i think he still thinks I'm not actually going to move out. He asked me last night whether I was going to go through with it, and offered me another "last chance"

I'm not sure now whether if he knew I was pregnant whether this would influence his choice about whether to stay at his family home or keep up this flat. I don't know whether I should tell him while he's away to allow him to have that choice before he decides whether to come back. I just keep thinking of him coming back and leaving his mum and family, then me telling him and then him not wanting to be here anymore anyway because of my news. He doesn't have hardly any friends up here, I'm really the only person he sees, he's very shy and introverted. At his family home he has his family and his best friend since school.

But I can't also actually imagine telling him just now, when he's gone to be with his dying mum. I can't inflict that much pain on someone I love?

what is the right thing to do ?

difficult question i guess

Hi frekkles - can quite sympathise a little..was in early stages of relationship with hubby when I became a mum, about two months - he was finalising his divorce and I was living as a friend with my ex (separate rooms) felt so guilty, as ex was depressed when we broke up and to look at it now, quite manipulative in trying to make me feel worse about my situation! the thing is to go with your gut reaction at this stage, bearing in mind your little one. it worked out with my hubby, even with the newness of the relationship. as long as your honest with everyone i wouldn't feel too guilty - you have to be in good frame of mind, feeling positive - if you want a smooth pregnancy, imao, hard as that is with reality!

i'm moving tomorrow. finding it so so hard packing up this house on my own. Feel really like I'm greiving, crying all the time