Did you get married after your kids were born? I have some questions...

[totalmisfit]

Firstly, dp and i are hoping to get hitched soonish (finally). DD is 2.7 and we were just thinking of sneaking off and not telling anyone (complicated MIL/SIL situation).

We'd like dd to be there for obvious reasons but we'd need people to keep an eye on her, probably my parents... and they'd want to bring my sisters (who are still of school age) and then it's very unfair on my brother (who works odd hours couldn't be relied on to commit to a date) and then DP's side of the family will be extremely pissed off and i know he'd like at least his dad and step mum and brother to be there and so would i.

But then that leads me back to his sister who despises me, and my mil who hates me even more and who, if anyone remembers my thread from way back about her controlling behaviour, won't even speak to dp because he doesn't do exactly as she says (at 29 years of age, what a naughty boy he is!).

Can you see where i'm going with this? It feels like an impossible situation, where we're going to end up pleasing no-one, least of all ourselves. Anyone else been through similar? Any advice most welcome.

I should add that we've just moved pretty far away from where we used to live, and don't really have any friends locally who could come and act as witnesses and solve the 'which family members to invite' conundrum for us.

imo it's your wedding, invite who you want.
BUT if its going to cause problems for the future it isn't worth it so i'd either go alone with your dd or invite everyone.

my friend just got married
she put her son into nursery as usual
then her and her DH asked two strangers to be witnesses...

they then continued back to work...

It can be difficult with awkward families - we're getting married next month and the plans have changed a few times to try and please everyone.

Ok - options are

Have exactly who you want there (i.e. your parents, dp's dad etc. everyone except MIL and SIL). This is assuming your dp is happy with that. Obviously MIL & SIL will be pissed off - but if they've been openly vile to you and you don't get on, then it doesn't really matter

Just go the two of you with dd. You don't need someone to look after dd. She can be standing up there with you whilst you do the vows. You will need 2 witnesses though (either strangers or maybe some impartial friends). You could then go out for a meal/drinks with your parents and other people who you want to, separately (that way you get lots of little mini celebrations and a wedding "fortnight")

Bury the hatchet and invite everyone.

Totalmisfit - I SOOOOOOOO understand!!

To the point that sadly, DP and I have just not gone there with the whole wedding thing.

I don;t know what the answer is - I don't think there is one that pleases everybody.

But just wanted to say good luck and I completely understand!

Thanks PT - glad i'm not entirely alone, hope you can find a way to get round the obstacles eventually too!

Tilly - yes, they have been openly vile. Just sick of the whole minefield really. Good point about not needing someone to look after her. just hope i can persuade her to stand there for however long it lasts! As for burying the hatchet - I have tried, oh lord how i've tried - but i have got the distinct impression MIL would like to bury it deep in my spine!

ddf -that's a great way of doing it - kind of like shopping, or ordering a coffee! very tempting

Our registrars have been lovely about us having dd's up there with us saying the vows if we want. Stick dd in a sparkly dress and tell her "princesses" are always well behaved and she'll be fine . It only takes 10-15 mins.

Having said that, I would say if you want your parents (and others) there, then don't let MIL spoil it for you . Just go ahead and do it. Maybe it'll make her reflect on her behaviour (it probably won't and it'll give her another excuse to hate you but if she already does, then there's nothing to lose )

This is exactly the issue I had when I got married. In the end, we buggered off to Scotland (told parents and our siblings we were planning to get married but no-one else). We then just took two close friends with us to be our witnesses, who helped look after my DS1. It was so relaxed - I knew having my family there bickering would stress me out no end.

We told everyone else when we got back. I would recommend it! Family politics should not ruin your wedding.

Ooh yes - you could go away for the weekend with your best friends (from where you lived before maybe ?) and dd. That was our plan originally and I found some fantastic venues, if you do like the idea......

The good bit about it was that 3 of our friends wre organising weddings at about the same time as us, and they were getting really stressed and visiting wedding fayres (my idea of absolute hell). Our wedding was organized totally within 2 weeks and I could justify spending a ridiculous amount of money on my dress, as we weren't coughing up for a load of people to attend who we didn't want there anyway.

I'm lucky that I get on with my PIL, so would like my parents, brother, PIL, BIL, SIL and wee Tom (2.6) to be there. I would prbably ask my 2 closest friends from down south to be witnesses. Then go for a meal in a carvery. When I go back down south, i'd probably have a party to celebrate with other family and friends. Well, thats the plan for now anyway. Otherwise, everyone will have to have a wee holiday in Scotland, lol.

Put a call out on Mumsnet and I betcha that someone will be around and available to do the whole witness thing!!

Give DD a princess/fairy dress and a wand and she will be fine. Jigsaws or new doll and she wont even notice what you are doing.

my ds was 3 when we did exactly that

he was doing a sticker book and colouring and then running up and down the council chamber whilst we were doing the vows - made us laugh - ps there were 6 of us including us,the registrar and ds

My parents got married when I was 5 and my sister was 3. We were at school and didn't even know about it!

We got married with just 2 friends and the two DSs. We rang everyone afterwards and told them we were married.
I still think some people(family not friends) are a bit miffed at how we did it. I don't lose any sleep over it though.

I'm an assistant registrar on the weekends, and taking DD along without chaperones needen't be a problem. Registrars get used to dealing with all kinds of different set ups. Ceremony can last as little as 10mins if that's what you want and a wee one running about / being carried / playing on the floor etc won't prevent the marriage at all (although in a bigger event it could be distracting for guests, but it's what the bride and groom want that counts.)

Further to that... go ahead and do whatever makes the three of you happy. If your MIL and SIL are vile, don't ask them, it's not going to make them any worse is it ?

Can't your witnesses look after your dd? Ours looked after our dc, though dd actually sat on my lap for most of it.

Thanks all, some great suggestions.

Dp and i are ruminating at the moment about the whole thing... decisions decisions