Can an abuser change? Do you know someone who has?

[misssmilla]

Posted recently, but another thread made me wonder whether anyone had stayed in a formerly abusive relationship and whether their DP had changed completely and forever.

PS - I have suffered from emotional long running abuse, very low level, quite intangiable sometimes for years, then physical abuse more recently.

(((hugs)))) misssmilla

Am watching for replies with interest....

My aunt and her husband seperated many years ago after several incidents of his domestic violence. They had 2 small children, very little money, he worked in a stressful job he hated and he drank heavily on occasions. They were sepeated for at least one year, and she even moved towns to be closer to other family.

He was full of remorse, but crucially accepted full responsibility for his behaviour, and worked on changing the things he needed to. He changed his job, stopped drinking. At that time counselling was rare, but I think he just worked things out for himself with help of friends and family. They took their reconciliation slowly, but have now been back together for over 20 years. They have one of the happiest marriages I know.

I think this is very rare, but it can be done

It's like addiction. They have to want to change, not just for you, but for themselves. If they are only changing for you then forget it, because they don't really think they are doing anything wrong.

Hmmm, Yes I am not sure how much he is doing things like a perpetrator course because he HAS to rather than wanting to.

Still don't think he is realising the full extent of his resposibility for this. I know that is hard and a bit shit, but at the mo he is expecting me to take some responsibility for it.

Then it's a No.

Sorry.

I'm biased because we're all exasperated dealing with DH's sister who is a 12-year-relationship which is now escalating in physical violence, yet she refuses to get help, but I'm going to say NO.

She'll eventually get out of it, when he finally succedes in killing her. He gets close and closer every time, too.

And there is nothing anyone can do about it because she goes back.

LEAVE, PLEASE LEAVE NOW and don't go back.

I can't tell you the anguish DH's folks live with daily watching this happen to their daughter.

And her one son is already involved in a gang and has been in trouble with the law. He's 11, btw.

The others confesses he dreams of the day he can kill his father.

Thanks my counsellor recommended Patricia Evans and that book sounds perfect for the question I have just asked. You are always a mine of information dittany!

Hmmm, well I've just moved back in with my 'low-level long running emotional abusive' (d)H. I know my attitude to life as a whole has changed in the year that we were separated, and I believe that my changes have caused a fundamental change in his attitude towards me. But....... ask me in six months - we've only been living back together for six weeks!!

Seriously though. He admitted a long time ago that he was treating me badly, and he had always hated men who treated women like that. He spent months trying to change and failing miserably, so I walked out (finally). It seems that was exactly the kick we need, and we've both done a huge amount of work on ourselves since, and hence can start working on ourselves as a coulple now. If I didn't believe it could work I really wouldn't be here.

Ditzzy - Thanks for posting that. I have to believe that things can change. I know that I have certainly changed myself in the last year, but maybe not in a good way for the relationship.

I don't want to have to do what you did though and separate for a year. But on the other hand I keep thinking about SPACE! and am craving it.

DH seems to think I need to work at things and accept some responsibility, but at the moment, I can't accept any of it! I am feeling very feminist. I am a strong capable woman and shouldn't have to take that shit. However, round him I turn to jelly and can't express myself properly. Part of the problem. I think counselling will help me to find out whether I have been a cause - or an effect.

Seems like your fella has accepted a whole lot, and that is what I need to be able to continue in this marriage. And I am not sure how long I should wait for that to happen, or if I need to be pro-active in order to get there.

Thanks for your opinion, really hope in 6 months time you can still claim the same xx

When you put it like that it make (d)H sound far too much like an angel! I repeatedly said that I needed him to do something spectacular to save us - that a change in attitude to what it should have been all wouldn't actually be good enough. ie. he had to something actively positive to cancel out the negative, not just stop being negative. His response to that was to do very little... he refused to do counselling with me (I did it on my own) and we seemed to be history. Meanwhile the changes I had made seemed to be pushing us further apart as well - I have become a confident strong women (exactly the sort of feminist he's always hated). Even three months ago I would have told you it was completely over.

What changed? We stopped enabling each others behaviour. I stopped doing anything for him (well why should I? We'd split up!) and he stopped expecting me to do it. On top of that he went against my advice and got a new job right next to my office - I was furious! But not only had he had an opinion on the job, but he'd actually got off his lazy arse and got it all by himself - respecting his own self worth (solving the reason why he always used to put me down) and respecting my job mattered by woring next to it, making our working lives that much easier....

We are now two independant people that choose to live and cooperate together, no longer trying to be two half of the sam.e person. I know different lifestyles suit different people, but this sooo works for me.

Sorry, if I recall, you actually said "thanks" not "tell me your life story". Got a bit carried away there

Counselling was great, would thoroughly recommend it whether just for you or as a couple. Don't let anyone dictate a timeline to you, you give it however long you need. Most of the people around me think I'm nuts for moving back in after whinging about it being over for the past year - the true friends are really pleased for me though, and will still be there even if it doesn't quite go as planned. I always find time is dictated by external events anyway. The timing of (d)H's new job has triggered the move.

Best of luck with it all, its been the hardest year of my life, but I suspect its been very worth it. I'm always happy to chat through any of what happened (in case you hadn't noticed) so ask anything you want.

xx

Over the years I've made several threads about my relationship and verbally abusive partner and received all kinds of advice.

In the last year or so he finally took on board what I was saying, that his behaviour was unacceptable/abusive etc and he HAS changed a great deal. I'd be lying if I said we never argue, but it's a level playing field now and it doesn't get into nastiness and head games. It's early days but I'm hopeful.

My uncle was an alcoholic, and very abusive and cruel in his cups. However, he went to AA and became a whole other, lovely person. A really lovely person, who couldn't do enough to make up for his past behaviour.

But they have to WANT to change....