Woman's right to choose the father for her child - what do you think ? - LONG story

[waitingandwaiting]

Hi girls,

Not sure this topic belongs in this list but I have recently found out something that bothers me a lot and I'm not sure how I should see this.
One of my very best, oldest girlfriends, who always has been very reasonable, very traditional has told me something about her life.

Just a bit of background: she has married her first man at 21 and has been married to him for 10 years. They are reasonably happy ( comfortable), but as far as I understand the sex life has never been enjoyable for her with him, it happens very rarely and has never been good for her IYKWIM( well she didn't do any better as he was her first).
The husband is a good man, very quiet and kind with very few friends and his wife is basically his only best friend. The husband thinks all is fine, although she discussed this subject with him many times. As the marriage progressed she did have a couple of lovers as she was frustrated with the whole sex situation. That's how she found out what proper sex is.

Eventually she met another man, the opposite of her husband - very much a centre of attention with hundreds of friends, with whom she end up having a long affair ( about a year - her husband goes away very ofthen). The man knew that she was married, but she told him they were in the process to get separated. She never thought of her lover as a partner material, as he was quite popular with ladies and also does not have a job ( he lives of his sports hobby which is his business with very low income and some odd jobs here and there). So she saw him more as a toy boy. But at some point she realised that she was pregant from the toy boy. ( The lover actually seemes to have fallend in love with her and wanted her to get a divorce and be with him all the time and wanted to have children with her when they could afford to have them).

She has recently lost her job, so now fully depends on her husband. In 10 years she was never pregnant from her husband and even thought that she or he was infertile. She asked the husband to get checked several times, but he refused, saying that he doesn't want to be treated like a sperm donor. Other than no children and bad sex she thinks that her husband is a good companion. So she didn't tell the lover that she was pregnant, but told her husband and he belives it's his. She says she knows that her husband would still stay with her if he knew, but would only be hurt unnecessarily if he knew everything, and this might be the only whay that they as a couple would have a child, as the husband would never get checked or do anything special like IVF for it.

She decided that she can choose who the father of her child will be and is choosing to stay with her husband. She broke up with the lover, who is completely heart broken, but will get over it as he seems to be quite popular.
Sorry for such a long info - what do you think - does a woman have the right to choose the father for her child?
I don't want to judge her, I actually could not understand how she managed living for 10 years in this closed marriage, she does come from a very traditional upbringing, but I think they may a good chance to live happily ever after ( well if you forget about sex and possibly future children).
X

wohoo validation
i may start a weekly news letter

I agree with the completely selfish bit

but I don't agree with "absolute slut"

I think she should tell her dh the baby isn't his
he has just as much "right" to decide if he he wants to bring this child up as his own

I also feel that even if she dumps this lover-boy, there will be more in future, as she is obviously not getting what she needs from the marriage (and possibly neither is her dh)

the fairest thing, IMO, is to leave her husband or be quite clear with him

I don't get how she is selfish

he is v selfish for not even going to get checked out for fertility

tbh this would end a lot of marriages, this "I don't want to do that so therefore, no family"

I think the dh is a selfish piece of work tbh

Having a affair for the sex, is that not selfish then?

Having another mans child and choosing not to tell her dh the truth for her own benefits, not selfish either?

Choosing to dump the lover and not let him know he is going to be a father becuase he would be crap at being a family man, not selfish?

Maybe her dh was being selfish by not going for fertitlty tests, but you can hardly say she hasnt been imo

Scientists estimate that 10% of people in UK are brought up by non-biological fathers- who do not know. She's hardly a rareity!

Oh well thats makes it alright to lie, cheap and decieve then

cheat not cheap, fraudulent slip

I thought the stats on families where the alleged father isn't actually the biological father and no-one knew about it (apart from the mother) were far higher. One in four or one in eight or something. Didn't it come out as one of the side effects of the human genome project or something?

So, it's not unusual, and if she can keep it quiet for the rest of her days, may be workable. Wouldn't do it myself, mind.

I have a feeling to be honest that if it "works" ( however morally wrong it may be, and it is morally wrong) that they will be both happier by staying together. The husband would make a good father ( which I suspect he otherwise would not have never been due to quite possible infertility). They wont break up due to lack of sex, as they never had much anyway and she will have a good companion to raise the child with.
My biggest concern would be the child's right to know who the father is, as well as the right of the lover to know that he has a child.
Knowing her husband he may feel pressure to leave her if she told him the truth, but this would not make him necessarily happy in the long run, he would have problems finding a new wife/ partner who would not do these or other things to him - he is not easy ( sorry, just a matter of fact - I may be wrong). In a way I can understand why she had those lovers, but never left him.
I also have a feeling she possibly will no longer need sex and affection as much after she'd have a child and may not be tempted to go through all this again.
I'm still thinking about this. Although she made her decisions I think she wants to hear my advice, but I struggle to figure out what to say.

sod the adults in this

she should do what is best for the child at the end of the day

every child should know who his bio parents are

the rest is just detail......

Can I bring the rights of the CHILD back to the forefront in this debate/dilema....

The child has a right to know their biological heritage and have a chance to have a relationship with their dad, even if the parents are not together.

My 2 pennys worth - without knowing the person in question it is quite likely from what has been said that she will go on to have affairs in the future and this child will be caught in the middle and this is very sad.
The child has a right to know who it's parents are.
The father has every right to make a informed decision as her husband does.
I feel that she cannot make a decision for 3 people without them even knowing the full truth.
There are so many ways this could play out including all of the above - what if the father dies and the child never gets to meet their father?
Also your friends happiness - she obviously isn't happy in her marriage and wouldn't it be better for a child to see a loving relationship and less money - assuming that she is staying because of the security.
So I think my gut instinct answer is - no she cannot choose in these circumstances.
Although I feel sorry for her as I am guessing she is very unhappy

sorry - x posts with af

I really hope she never gets pregnant.

great minds, unavailable....

ImNotMama, she is pregnant

leoleo sums it up - she is selfishly making decisions that involve other people's lives rather than facing up to it and being
honest and letting them make their own decisions.

It's possible the DH may decide to bring up another man's child - but he may decide he doesn't want that. But the important thing is KNOWING so that he can make a choice.

Selfish selfish selfish.

And I still think this is such a messy situation that it'll go tits up at some future point, possibly at a stage when the child will be really screwed up about it. Better to be open now. It won't be easy - there's nothing easy about a mess like this - but better in the long run.

lhen I feel very sorry for the child.

What she is doing is wrong on so many levels.

Thing is, it's not really about rights. It's about being practical. And historically LOTS of women have done the same. Out of necessity in the old days, I suppose, when if your husband kicked you out you'd be in real trouble.

She doesn't have to tell either of them but I think should proably break off all contact with the lover if she is intending to keep this from him.

Do you think she can do this?

It anmazes me that people could live their lives with this level of tension and deception. It would make me ill and wretched. Get out of the marriage; it is already over.

Only read OP, not the rest of the posts but felt I must reply.

I found out last year that the man I had thought was my biological father isn't. My mum had had an affair and I was the outcome.

Unlike your friend my mum told my dad about the affair so they both knew there was a possibility that I was not biologically my dad's. In fact, I think they both knew but were really in denial for 20-odd years (my blood type confirms it - they lied about my blood type for years to cover it up).

Honesty is the best policy. She needs to tell her husband and hope that he understands and agrees to work through it and stay with her. I think it's only fair she tells her lover the situation too.

Then they need to let the child know as soon as he/she can understand that she has another "daddy" or however she wants to phrase it.

I am still furious that my biological father does not know of my existence and I can't find him. I have at least one half brother and one half sister out there with no hope of finding them and probably nieces and nephews by now too.

Some people don't seem to be bothered by biological background but I'm not one of them, and your friend can't predict whether or not her child will care or not.

Deception is always found out in the end and it's better to be honest to begin with.

I would hate to be in that girl's situation. I feel really sorry she has to make these choices thinking what may be best for the child.

Lots of mariages are comfortable enough not to leave the convenience and yet not satisfying enough to push you over the line and cross moral boundaries. In such long marriages there are usually too many issues, people, conections involved: his/ her families, common friends, common assets and savings and other practical issues, that are especially difficult to break if she is as far as I understand in a normal middle class/ higher education part of society ( although this is possibly irrelevant).

I don't know what I would have done in her situation, when the lover might or might not stand by her and be a reliable partner and provider when every woman needs in this situation.
On the other hand the husband may have contributed to what happended ignoring the issues that bothered her over many years and ultimately justified in her mind the infidelity and the need to have normal sexual relationship. I don't think she is purely using him financially - they have been together for 10 years and have build their comfortable lifestyle together. The fact that she doesnt have a job now and may not have it for a year or two while the child is small does not mean she will always depend on him financially.

The husband will feel pressure to separate if he finds out the truth. Otherwise he will probably be a good and a happy father to this child (quite possibly the only child).

So leaving the moral rights/ issues aside as life is not always about being morally right, ultimately it is about whether the knowledge about it's biological father for the child and the knowledge for the lover about his child are of the highest priority in life.

Those who think it is - will say " break the marriage, tell the truth to everyone and risk being a proud single mother".
Those who don't may decide that what she has decided to do could be the best thing she has done for the child and for all others involved, sacrificing her own needs by staying with the husband.

I would so hate to be in her shoes.

"sacrificing her own needs by staying with the husband."

biggest amount of bullshit yet.
at no point has this woman thought about anyones needs other han her own.

Maybe I just take a very simplistic view of life, but I don't see anything complicated in this at all. It is just simply wrong to lie to three people about the situation. If there was absolutely no chance she'd ever be found out, and her husband was an absolutely wonderful "father" then it would still be wrong. Whatever benefits she or the child get from staying in this marriage under false pretences do not outweigh the wrong she is doing to everyone concerned.